Why do some people love the IDEA of having an affair?
Maybe because they are bored? It’s sexy? It’s dangerous? It makes them feel desired? Feel alive? Who knows? Some combo of all of the above?
But they don’t have the guts to follow through.
They are the ones that have an idealized view of an affair.
“Hot hotel sex whenever I want!”
“She’ll do everything my wife won’t!”
“Her tits are so much better than my wife.”
They are looking for fantasy fulfillment. When faced with the reality of taking the next step, meeting and figuring out logistics, they balk and retreat. It’s no longer so “easy.” It gets complicated fast trying to maneuver schedules of two married people with jobs and kids.
“How available are you?” I ask.
“Oh, I own my own business,” potential affair partner responds (the amount of times I’ve heard this is mind boggling). “I’m VERY flexible, wink wink.”
“Are you?” he adds.
Holy shit. Stop it!
I’m flexible enough to dump your ass before this even starts.
Except when it comes down to finagling schedules, they won’t lock down time.
“When do you want to meet?” I ask.
“Let me look at my calendar…” they hem and haw.
And….crickets. Then ghost.
Or they want to get laid and go back to their little life.
“I need sex, and I need the sex without feelings.”
“This can’t get complicated.”
“No drama.”
This type of dude needs to get a professional…not disappoint a woman looking for a real affair.
“Have you had lovers?” I question a potential affair partner.
“Um, I had a few one night stands.”
Never a good sign. You are either a skank who sucks in bed or a skank who just sucks. No thank you.
“You know you want it.”
FIVE words that make me dryer than toast.
No, I don’t want sex with you that badly. My toys and my fingers work just fine.
What I would like is a perfect “old-fashioned-lifelong-countryside-English affair.” Drinks in the afternoon and sex in a cottage kind.
A love affair with cashmere and pearls and tweed — so classy. Lift up my wool skirt to find me nude underneath. Think of a Colin Firth type of guy. Or Ralph Fiennes. A romance that transcends decades.
But that ain’t happening either.
Yes, the affirmation that I am sexy and desirable is lovely from a man who is interested. But only if you want to proceed. If not, you are wasting our (e.g. us career adulterers) valuable TIME. We don’t have guilt. We know the ropes (see below). We want a lover.
Seal the deal.
Don’t be a “toe in the water” kind of person.
I found a lot of people did not have the emotional readiness, flexible schedule, financial independence, freedom from spouse, and in some part, resolve and/or desperation needed to take the next step in adultery.
It’s kind of like skydiving without a parachute. Nothing prepares you for the free-fall until you are in it. Many people out there simply want to get the thrill, without jumping.
Adultery is a risk. A HUGE ONE.
Toughen up. You are in for the ride of your life.
Sometimes, I try to teach them the basics even though I’m not particularly patient. This is why I end up avoiding newbies.
If a man doesn’t have a handle on his guilt or schedule, then I’m out.
“You don’t want this bad enough.”
No more toying with “the idea” of an affair.
Have one or don’t.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Mika Baumeister on Unsplash
