We Adults Are Really Just Old Children, Cleverly Disguised as Adults

There’s a T-shirt I’ve always wanted to give my friend, Byron. It says,

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

He is boyish and silly, in spite of being a good father to two actual boys, who are now grown young men, like my son. I pretend I’m more responsible than Byron is, but deep down, I’m as much a child as he is, and as our boys were.

My son could catch me at the right time and the right mood. Then I would join him on the trampoline, or play with him in the sprinkler on a glistening summer lawn. Now, in the spirit of play, my adult son and I trade barbs and inside jokes, and what I deem “boy” humor. We crack each other up.

In spite of achy muscles and creaky joints, I am still a child at heart. One who has been tossed and battered by life, yes, but one who has also been lifted and carried joyously along by the same life.

As adults, and particularly older adults, we may push our Inner Child down and to the side, but the child is still there, inside us. Sometimes cowering in fear, sometimes shouting with joy to get our attention and get us to play, and sometimes plotting rebellion under the surface. All of which, when we were actual children, saved our sanity and even our lives.

Transactional Analysis, Gestalt, and the Inner Child

The Inner Child has three parts, according to Transactional Analysis. The Adaptive Child, who goes along to get along, the Rebellious Child, who acts in our best interest, whether it appears that way to the world or not, and the Free Child, who is the one who jumps up and down to get our attention, inviting us to leave our comfortable couches and opinions, and come play.

For many of us, as children, the Adaptive Child is the only one who got praise. The Adapted Child may have gotten attention for being “good”, polite, and quiet. Or they may have flown under the radar so as not to attract attention from self-centered or abusive adults. The Adapted Child knows how to stay safe, but not how to be fully themselves.

The Rebellious Child is the part that acts out our anger at being controlled or ignored. The Rebellious Child comes in handy, though, when adult commands are detrimental to us. In therapy, it takes the Rebellious Child for us to free ourselves from detrimental upbringing. Also, the Rebellious Child is the one who recognizes injustice early on, and becomes the activist demanding care and justice for the oppressed.

The Free Child is the part of us who is free to be fully ourselves. This is our innocence and our joyfulness. The Free Child may have been considered “too loud” or “too rambunctious”, and so we silenced her, and calmed him down. We gave our Free Child power to the Adaptive Child, while the Free Child hid, or waited for permission, that seldom if ever came, to be free.

We can tap into our Rebellious Child to set the Free Child free. The Rebellious Child, in Gestalt therapy, talks back to the detrimental parent or other voices in our head. Stands up for the Free Child , and defends the Adaptive Child. As long as we allow detrimental voices to keep our Free Child hidden, and our Adaptive Child to toe every line, we can’t be happy. The Rebellious Child silences those voices, and shows the Adaptive Child there are other ways of being.

As with the Rebellious Child, when it frees us from critical voices, and becomes an activist for justice and the oppressed, the Adaptive Child serves their purpose as well. We can’t go full rebellion at work or in the classroom, in a courtroom or other places that demand decorum. The Adaptive Child knows when to adapt and when not to, once there are other options, such as full Free Child.

The Free Child serves the greatest purpose. They are the part of us who is fully authentic and confident in who we are.

Set your Free Child Free

Once, I showed a child a dulcimer. I stroked the strings for a moment, then placed it in his lap. He held it carefully and reverently. I told him he could play it if he wanted. He looked up, astonished, and asked, “So this is a FREE instrument?”

I assured him it was, indeed, a free instrument. He then strummed it, making music with no rules or formal instruction. His spirit as free as the music he was making.

I remember him every time I try something new. Every time I find myself cleverly disguised as a responsible adult, attempting some new adulting. I remember we are free to try things our way, to learn as we practice, to feel the joy of making new sounds, art, stories.

I remember him when I feel playful, and a voice from somewhere in my past reminds me to be mature, or tells me a therapist doesn’t make jokes. Or when a man I’m seeing tells me I’m being too loud, implying I’m embarrassing him.

I remind myself and the Free Child inside me that we are allowed to be silly, funny, joyous, and yes, even loud sometimes. My Free Child appreciates me helping her be free, and she helps me be happy.

Love your Inner Child, and all children

I like my little girl, and all her parts. We hold hands when she is scared, and I still the voices in my head who still yell at her sometimes. She reciprocates by showing me joy and laughter, absurdity and silliness, enjoyment of splashing in water, and climbing dusty hills.

Laughing at the absurdities of grown-ups who are taking something too seriously. Or bringing to their attention something they aren’t taking seriously enough, such as the beauty of the earth, and the worth of all children everywhere on the planet, including the ones inside themselves.

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Carol Lennox is a therapist who has worked with both children and adults. She practices Gestalt therapy, and specializes in helping clients become their full, free, authentic selves. She also fights for freedom and justice in our unjust world.

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This post was previously published on Crow’s Feet: Life As We Age.

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