Jonathan Delavan reflects upon the influence different individuals can have on one’s life as well as his own life.
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One of the first discoveries I made in my personal journey (that I introduced in my previous article) was the importance of persons who could be considered “significant others” in your life. Now by “significant others,” I do not simply mean its romantic implication as it is often used today. Rather, I mean those who have made a substantial and meaningful impact on your life by reflecting and sharing their own lives with you—whether that was from face-to-face interactions or through a book or some other medium. I first came across this life-altering concept in Kurtz’s and Ketcham’s book The Spirituality of Imperfection about a year and a half ago. As these two authors describe it:
We need “significant others”—not in the soft sense of needing others whom we cherish and are cherished by, important as this may be—but in the meaning intended by the originator of the term, the early twentieth-century philosopher and social psychologist, George Herbert Mead. Mead coined the term significant other to indicate the one who signifies or reflects back to us the meanings of our gestures and, in doing so, develops with us our ability to act meaningfully with others. The point is that it takes two. Being human requires more than one, for human be-ing—the behavior that flows from our humanness—never takes place in a vacuum.
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In other words, we humans are best able to develop our whole selves through the identification and modeling of other human beings, a.k.a. significant others. These significant others can be family members or loved ones, but they are usually people outside of our normal life yet share some degree of similarities with us. Furthermore, significant others tend to mirror some important aspect or several aspects of our own lives and thus model or represent those meaningful qualities back to us.
Identification has been called “the half-way house between self-love and other-love.” It is a reaching out from the self toward another whom one admires and respects, but it stops short of trying to be other than who one is. Each of us is and can be only our own self.
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I guess one could also use the term “role model” as a synonym for the earlier one, but I have found this phrase has become somewhat diluted over the years as it tends to infer a desire to imitate someone else’s career, fame, appearance, or talent rather than drawing from that person’s example the desire to become one’s unique self—to live out one’s distinctive life. A better synonym would be “mirroring” another’s actions or philosophy, but even then this term can imply a kind of superficial mimicking not intended by Mead. Kurtz and Ketcham make this same distinction later on in their previously mentioned book:
The desire to become [your unique self] and the commitment to do whatever is necessary to become [that self] distinguish identification from imitation. Imitation indicates wishing: “it would be nice” to be like so-and-so. Identification involves willing and especially willingness—the openness to do whatever is necessary to become like the model, the willingness that accepts that one can never “be” another…
Identification has been called “the half-way house between self-love and other-love.” It is a reaching out from the self toward another whom one admires and respects, but it stops short of trying to be other than who one is. Each of us is and can be only our own self. Yet learning how to be a person—or, more accurately, learning to be the particular kind of person we are—originates through identification, and identification takes place in community. The question “Who am I?” really asks, “Where do I belong or fit?” We get the sense of that “direction”—the sense of moving toward the place where we fit, or of shaping the place toward which we are moving so that it will fit us—from hearing how others have handled or are attempting to handle similar (but never exactly the same) situations. We learn by listening to their stories, by hearing how they came or failed to belong or fit.
Throughout my personal odyssey over the years, I have encountered a number of people who I would consider my significant others as I have described the term. However, I have met most of these significant others through their books that I have read or by reading about their individual lives respectively. This has been the case because a number of those significant others I am referring to have passed away a long time ago, leaving their inspirational works behind for others to read like myself; or simply because I have not met them personally, nor live near them, or studied under them, or whatever the case may be.
I would like to share a few of my significant others with you in this article to better illustrate this concept and how it has affected me over the years. The three I would like to briefly review with you are the German-born Swiss novelist Hermann Hesse, Dutch priest and scholar Henri J. M. Nouwen, and international pop-star and artist Katy Perry.
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Hermann Hesse
Hermann Hesse has become most well known as a poet and novelist of the first half of the twentieth century with a penchant for coming-of-age stories as well as exploring Eastern mysticism from a Western perspective. Hesse was born to Protestant missionaries to India and grew up within a Germanic and religious community. He struggled with depression and even attempted suicide at a young age. Later on, as he began his writing career, Hesse became an outspoken critic of the militaristic nationalism that led Germany into World War I and later the Nazi Party before the outbreak of World War II. As a result of some life crises during and after WWI, Hesse moved to Switzerland and eventually gained Swiss citizenship. Throughout his life, he has struggled to be true to himself while also being truthful about himself through his novels and poems. He died in 1962 at his Swiss home.
Steppenwolf changed my life and for the better! Reading about an autobiographical character who struggled in ways similar to my own experiences yet eventually finds his own answers and way through life was an enlightening experience for me.
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I did not come across Hermann Hesse or his works till the beginning of last year. A dear mentor of mine recommended to me that I read Siddhartha as an attempt to help me gain some perspective on a difficult time in my journey. I’m glad she did introduce me to this author and his book. I so enjoyed reading her recommendation that immediately after finishing Siddhartha, I picked up another book of his that instantly piqued my interest: Steppenwolf.
Considered one of his most popular books along with Siddhartha, Steppenwolf is a very powerful and cerebral novel whose main character shared many of the same struggles that I do; so much so, that it was very eerie and somewhat difficult for me to read through it the first time, as it was with Siddhartha as well. I also came to learn that Steppenwolf was somewhat autobiographical since he based much of the protagonist’s background and struggles from his own life.
Nevertheless, Steppenwolf changed my life and for the better! Reading about an autobiographical character who struggled in ways similar to my own experiences yet eventually finds his own answers and way through life was an enlightening experience for me. It really did help me put things into better perspective and showed me that there can be ways for me to address them meaningfully—as was my mentor’s hope in recommending that first book.
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Henri J. M. Nouwen
Henri Nouwen was also born and raised within twentieth-century Europe. However, the conflicts he spoke out against were those of the Cold War proxy conflicts being fought in third world countries. Nouwen was also a Catholic scholar who taught religion and psychology in various prestigious universities in America, including Notre Dame, Yale, and Harvard. Over the course of his life, he wrote numerous books and articles on spirituality, social justice, ministry, and psychology. He also struggled deeply with loneliness and a void of intimacy due to his celibacy vows as well as his hidden homosexuality, which he kept as a secret from the public all his life. Towards the end of his life, Nouwen left academia to work with mentally and physically handicapped people at the L’Arche Daybreak community in Ontario, Canada. He passed away in 1996 from a sudden heart attack.
The Inner Voice of Love is actually a journal of Nouwen’s during the most difficult time of his life, chronicling his journey through anguish and towards freedom. This second book of his was more impactful than the first simply because of its rawness and empathic honesty.
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I first heard of Henri Nouwen from another author, Philip Yancey, in his book Soul Survivor where he discusses how Nouwen influenced his life and Christian faith. After reading Yancey’s experience with Nouwen, I decided to get some of his books and read them for myself. However, I did not get around to reading them until a few months ago, so Henri can be considered the latest addition to those whom I would consider my significant others.
The first book of his I read was The Return of the Prodigal Son based on Rembrandt’s painting of the Gospel parable. Once again, I encountered a book that deeply touched me and influenced how I see myself and my faith. Afterwards, I read another book of his titled The Inner Voice of Love. This second book was actually the basis for the writing of the earlier one, but was published after it.
The Inner Voice of Love is in fact a journal of Nouwen’s during the most difficult time of his life psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually, chronicling his journey through anguish and towards freedom. I have to say that this second book of his was more impactful than the first simply because of its rawness and empathic honesty. As a result, I found so much of myself in Nouwen’s journaling of his own struggles to the point where I am trying to apply aspects of his wisdom to my life where applicable.
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Katy Perry
Now, I know what you may be thinking with this choice: “Really!? Katy Perry!? Why would you choose her as a significant other when she seemingly has nothing in common with the previous two?” Well, let me explain.
I did not encounter Katy Perry or her work till the fall of 2013 with the release of her latest album, Prism, over the radio. In fact, it was her flagship song “Roar” that first attracted me to her and her songs. On a whim, I decided to buy a digital deluxe copy of her album a week or two after its official release. Boy was I in for a surprise!
Some songs would terrify me right down to my core while others would soothe me and some others even seemed healing for me to simply listen. With such a wide range of emotions from one album and one singer/songwriter, I just had to figure out who this woman is!
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As I listened through each song in her album, I found myself deeply impacted in one way or another. Some songs would terrify me right down to my core while others would soothe me and some others even seemed healing for me to simply listen. With such a wide range of emotions from one album and one singer/songwriter, I just had to figure out who this woman is!
Eventually, I learned that Katheryn E. Hudson (her birth name) also grew up in a religious family somewhat similar to my own, and she also struggled early on in her music career being true to herself and not selling out to corporate pressure to become someone she was not (are you noticing a pattern here yet?). Tying in her life story thus far with her music has made it all the more empathic for me to deeply listen to and enjoy. Moreover, a number of her songs have also changed my life for the better and continues to be a source of support and challenge for me.
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I plan to go over each of these significant others that I have reviewed here in more depth in upcoming articles. And as a side note, I would like to meet with some of my significant others one day to share with them how they have changed my life and helped me become the man I am today and will be tomorrow. Unfortunately, that will not be possible with Hermann or Henri. As for Katy, though, that’s an encounter I can continue to hope for!
In conclusion, let me challenge you, dear reader, to examine your own life and see who have been your significant others: Why is he/she a significant other of yours? What impact has his/her life had on your own? Does that person continue to influence your life today? Please feel free to share your thoughts and feelings about these reflective questions in the comments section below.
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Photo: Chris Robinson/Flickr
Very interesting article and deeper than most things we see here. I also enjoyed Hesse. Thanks for this piece. I was starting to think TGMP was just becoming another whining MRA site.
Thank you for your input John! It’s always good to have honest feedback.