We All Need to Tell Fibs

We all know the scenario.

Woman out with friends, guy wants to buy her a drink. She politely says, “No, thank you”, but he hangs around anyway. Even though she’s with friends and not looking to ‘pull’, he thinks he’s in with a chance; she just needs to be persuaded. Finally, after exhausting all other responses, she explains that she already has a boyfriend.

Sometimes the guy screeches insults and accuses her of ‘leading him on’, but more often, he just fades away, muttering, “Ah, okay.”

Note how the hassler is more respectful of someone he’s never met than of the woman’s disinterest. Additionally, he believes THE only reason he failed in his quest was because of the other dude. He’d rather lose out to Mr. Imaginary than entertain the thought he wasn’t her type.

Most importantly, though, he sees women as owned by men, whether it’s him or another man. We’re not autonomous; we have no right to turn him down just because. (Red flag, right there, ladies.) And so, we reach for the go-to fib to escape.

It probably doesn’t help that there are ‘personal development’ websites like Fearless who give guys the following advice when hearing about The Boyfriend —

What should you do if the woman you like tells you she already has a boyfriend? This can be a difficult situation to navigate, but with the right approach, it’s definitely possible to win her over.

Just NO!

Note to any guys reading that site — the chance that “she might be testing you”, as they suggest, is as rare as hen’s teeth. You’re safer to go for the ‘not remotely interested’ message. As for the idea (further down in the linked post) that she mentions a boyfriend because the alleged connection was getting deeper between you, and she “needed to hit the brakes”? Maybe ask a few women friends instead of listening to men who clearly can’t read a room.

But I digress. It’s not just in bars where women have to lie to protect themselves.

Many single women who regularly attend conferences report wearing fake engagement or wedding rings to keep the wolves at bay. For an eye-opening thread about what goes on at conferences, take a look at journalist Phil Baty’s Twitter question — “Okay, what’s the most terrible behaviour you have witnessed at an academic conference?” He was inundated with responses.
If they live alone, women often have to pretend they’re not flying solo when a workman comes. Some even go as far as having an ‘extra toothbrush’ lying around or guys’ shoes in the hallway.
In researching my book, I came across dozens of women who’d dragged the nearest warm-blooded male along to the car dealership when looking for a new car. Even though those situations aren’t usually threatening, we still have to pretend we’re attached when we’re not.
We often have to walk past our streets or houses so that the guy we fear is following us won’t find out where we live.
If we’re out walking and minding our business, they’ll often follow or walk alongside, asking for our number. Again, it’s usually only the “I already have a boyfriend” or “I’m going to meet my boyfriend” line that gets rid of them.

Yes, it’s not very feminist-y to invent a boyfriend or husband to be able to say “No”, but this is the real world. The world where it’s often easier, quicker and safer to say that. The world where, quite frankly, you don’t want to waste any more oxygen on him.

Given that women shouldn’t be dealing with harassment alone, what can everyone else do?

There’s a lot of chat at the moment about being active bystanders, but sometimes it’s hard to know what to say or do. Is it what we think it is? Can she take care of herself? Will I get beaten up? All these questions are legit, so try to figure out what’s going on and trust your gut. If you’re worried about escalating a situation, take a friend along to help.

When we see a woman clearly trying to shake someone off, one option is to jump in with our own fibs. We know he’s not going to leave her alone just because she’s not interested, and anyone pointing out that disinterest won’t be welcome, so needs must. Depending on the situation (and the size and sobriety of the guy), some options are more confrontational than others.

“Hey pal, if you don’t stop bothering her, I’ll have you barred from every pub in the area. How come? Because I own the chain. Now on your way.” If he challenges you on this, you can march over to the staff and tell them what’s going on anyway.

“If you don’t leave her alone, I’ll have to radio some of my colleagues on duty this evening.” Although there are laws about impersonating a police officer, you’re not saying you are one. Additionally, I can’t imagine any judge or jury would seriously class this situation as the deceptive scenario most laws require. You could also be talking about security staff.

“I’ve just pointed you out to the bar staff, so you might want to back off.” Even if you haven’t, it reminds him he’s not invisible.

“Seriously, dude. Do you know who she is? You’re in over your head.” Or go one better and act like her security detail.

“THERE you are. I’ve been looking all over for you. We’re over in the corner with your drink.” If you’re a guy, don’t be surprised if the woman is wary or doesn’t come over. After all, she doesn’t know you and might think, “Out of the frying pan into the fire”. However, it interrupts the flow of things and lets the hassler know others have her back.

“I’m sorry, I think I dropped my wallet/key/phone down here.” Create a distraction. Point to the floor near her and take an undue amount of time to look for the ‘lost’ item. If she wants the lifeline, she’ll help you in the search. Hopefully, he’ll get bored or start feeling ridiculous as he waits for the object to be found.

There are many ways to be an active bystander; this article simply points out that the women in question needn’t be the only ones making stuff up to get rid of a pest.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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