Would you like fingerprints or a DNA Sample? JJ Vincent talks about the fear of men as predators.
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I’d like to begin by apologizing. I’m not sure what for, but you seem to be awfully scared of me.
Maybe it’s the 24/7 news cycle that goes into overtime whenever someone in power abuses a child. Maybe it’s the whispers in the neighborhood when a dad gets accused of hurting his daughters. Maybe it’s the idea, planted early and deep, that men are, by nature, aggressive and predatory.
I can’t speak for your mind, but I can speak for myself, and a darned lot, if not most, of the men out there.
Your child is safe with me. Your child is safe with us.
♦◊♦
Kids love me. Friends’ kids, strangers’ kids, if they’re under 10 there’s a good chance that they’re going to take to me. Every time a kid hugs me, I cringe a little. Even when it’s a child I know well. When they treat me like a jungle gym and I need to grab them, when they reach to be picked up, when they want to hold hands or drive their toys around on me, I look around. If I don’t know them, I put a stop to it immediately. If I do know them, I am careful how I touch or handle them. I watch where their hands go and divert them if, in their tiny 3-year-old enthusiasm, they are about to grab (or even brush) the junk.
♦◊♦
You might be afraid of me. I am equally afraid of you.
It’s a sad truth that men who interact with children are often viewed with suspicion. That people watch them a little more and questions their motives. That the same people who bemoan the lack of male influence in children’s lives are concerned when men want to be involved in children’s lives, especially unknown men.
It’s a sad truth that many men don’t get involved in children’s work-and-play because of the negative stigma attached to it, that being a caregiver or enjoying children’s company is somehow wrong or “unmanly”. And if you’re gay? Well then, you must have some sort of ulterior motive.
It’s a sad truth that men, particularly single men without children, are held to a different standard when interacting with children. Many of us hold ourselves to very careful standards. We guard our interactions, lest we do something that a person may think is inappropriate. We are careful how and when we take pictures. In some cities, we walk quickly by parks, very aware of the “No adults without the company of children” rule. We don’t linger too long, looking at children playing.
♦◊♦
I am taught to be afraid of you. You are taught to be afraid of me.
During my teacher training, all of us were repeatedly instructed on the “touch touch pat pat” rule. It was ok to touch or tap a student on a shoulder to get their attention, or pat them on the shoulder to praise or comfort. Hugging or any other displays of affection were out-of-bounds. This was for our safety.
I never once heard of a female teacher reproached for this. I did hear from a few male teachers who were spoken to after female students hugged them, and they hugged back.
While part of me understood and understands the tendency of a school district to err on the side of caution, part of me hates to think of a child in need of a hug or an arm around the shoulder being pushed away for fear of a lawsuit.
This vigilant monitoring, or the potential for it, is why, when I was carrying a friend’s 3-year-old a few weeks ago and her dress shifted, resulting in my hand on her bare leg, I set her down quickly and picked her up again in a different position. Never mind that her mother was 10 feet away. Never mind that she had asked to be picked up. Never mind that it was a hot day and you can’t always control the clothing of a squirmy kid. Never mind that most of the people around us were longtime friends. My brain kicked in to “man survival” mode. My accidental hand-above-her-knee could be your “inappropriate contact”.
This “suspicion of men”, started early and repeated often, is why, whenever I watch a friend’s kid and they do something that yields a bruise, I worry that people will look at me and think that I am abusing this child. It’s why when a little girl tries to use me as a climbing tree, I hope she is careful of what she grabs as a handhold.
I’ve been told it’s why some men are afraid of children. They are not afraid of children. They are afraid of other people’s judgment.
♦◊♦
I am in no way saying that there are not bad guys out there of every shape, size, age, color, and identity who hurt children. There are. We hear about them all the time. Every day. In local and national media. I was raised with “Stranger Danger” and “If anyone touches you…” TV commercials. I’m not saying that we should not be vigilant in the protection and care of children or trust them with just anyone who walks by.
But not every man who wants to mentor a boy is a predator. And not every man who wants to take a picture of a girl on a playground is a deviant.
I’d wager that most are not.
And it’s sad that they are, too often, treated like they are.
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photo: stewart black / flickr
If you liked this, check out: Dads Are Not The Enemy
Men are still seen as a ball or sexual frustrations always in desperate need of a woman both as an outlet and to hold them on a leash. This is too much pressure for women (we’re not brains with no hearts nor genitals, we’re just human beings!) and just degrading to men. Just look at how gays are perceived; as people more likely to be pedophiles who, even when they are not, will sleep with anything that has a pulse. Why? No smart, belevolent mother-like woman around to keep them in check.
As a recent casualty of seperation I was warned only this last weekend by a close friend that as a single dad I will need to get to know the other kids parents and be involved with the school before parents will generally let the kids over for a play date.
I find this quite sad really, as if to say 3-4 months ago I was an acceptable host for a play date but now because I no longer have a wife I am a possible predator.
Honestly WTF is wrong with people.
On Cynthia’s point that one in four men in Asia is a rapist and 1 in 10 rapes is reported: Those statistics don’t have to be combined – you can have both scenarios at once. There’s an “evolutionary strategy” argument that persists that all men would rape but society holds [most of] them back. It’s simultaneously rape-apologetic and really awfully pessimistic. And yet, it’s somewhat standard… and the problem is that there IS a difference in the sexes, but how far does that difference really extend? I do feel your pain. As a woman who has JUST recently had my… Read more »
Oh, Thank you so darn much for writing this article! This culture of fear has gone too far and nobody has the guts to point out the “statistics” that don’t make any sense! Just today, I saw a headline on Google News; one in four men in asia is a rapist. The same people tell us that only one in ten rapes is reported. So either all of the rapists in asia had a sudden case of bad conscience and decided to report their bad deeds (not likely), either 250% of men in asia are rapists, or those statistics don’t… Read more »
I sometimes feel that ‘fear’ (legitimate or illegitimate, genuine or disingenuous) is used as a fig-leaf to conceal & justify a prejudice or hatred that’s already there anyway. Fear warns us of potential harms, yes- it serves as a survival function; but ‘fear’ is also the rationalization that lets people hate & shame & discriminate against others at will all day long, and still sleep peacefully at night with a clear conscience. Who is apt to fault one if they say they just acted the way they did because they were ‘afraid’ of something worse? Better safe than sorry, right? The… Read more »
“Either you die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villan”, was it Batman (Bruce Wayne) or Harvey Dent that said that? Likewise, feminism, women’s rights, women’s protection have often become excuses for racism. We are constantly led to believe that only white, english speaking people from western countries are vaguely aware that women are humans with feelings. Oppression of women was used as an excuse for invading Afghanistan. I guess the US had their reason but I don’t think the bombings did women any good, as much as being a child bride with a… Read more »
I sometimes feel that ‘fear’ (legitimate or illegitimate, genuine or disingenuous) is used as a fig-leaf to conceal & justify a prejudice or hatred that’s already there anyway. That’s pretty much it. When it comes to men around children the justification is that someone needs to think of the children and if someone has a problem with the idea of being sexist and prejudiced towards men under these circumstances then that means you don’t want children to be protected. (And you can see an example of this a few years ago with the British ariline that had a policy that… Read more »
” This is not empowering, and yet second generation feminists, who are ssupposed to empower us, completely believe that and nourish that culture of fear! ”
I think this has more with politics to do than ‘ empowering ‘ some feminist push for more grants from the governements by installing anxiety in women. Thus giving them more political power.
I think it has more to do with the media trying to get more clicks and more views and more attention with alarming news using an infaillible tactic of constantly churning up the insecurities and fears. Many women who have seen rape up close (on themselves or someone they knew) and been (understandably!) emotionally damaged by it will listen to those horror stories without a grain if salt. Whoever uses it know how tu push our buttons, how to exploit our fears and scars are damaging us even more for their interests and are commiting a form of psychological violence… Read more »
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/3352895/Day-of-the-dad-paedophilia-hysteria-leaves-men-afraid-to-help.html
A sad story about a man who saw a kid maybe in need of help but fear of what others might think of a guy in a car pulling up and going to “check on the kid” kept him from helping… the kid is now dead.
Heartbreaking.
Oh do I have information to share on this topic! Sadly, I cannot respond right now due to my schedule. There are strong reasons why men became boogeymen in our culture today. The short answer is that politicians set it up this was. Research The Mondale Act of 1974. Think about unintended consequences as you research this. And I will tell you that even today, your local prosecutor receives federal funds if he/she can bring charges against you. A strong case with evidence is NOT necessary. Child abuse allegations are a golden goose that keeps providing golden eggs. Do you… Read more »
Thanks for a piece that I hope starts some needed discussions. I am always torn about this: in contrast to John’s statement above that more women hurt children, I don’t think the statistics bear that out. Men are more likely to be predators than are women. But men are MUCH more likely to NOT be predators than they are to be one. I have felt what you are describing, and it pains me when it happens. I try to be understanding of the looks I sometimes get when I smile at a child as I walk by, but it hurts… Read more »
Then you would be surprised Les. Based on a CDC report a mother is much more likely to abuse her child than a father (like 1.5x more likely if I remember correctly) statistically speaking. Mind you we have to remember that women, particularly mothers tend to spend much more time around children than men do and, someone please correct me if I’m wrong I don’t have the study in front of me, there is a disproportionate amount of abuse in single family homes, which tend to be single mothers.
@Leslie Smith: Actually the stats very much bear it out, now if you are only referring to sex crimes then NO, men do it more than women but when you look at overall child abuse, women do it more than men.
Les, I find your comments very touching and I greatly sympathize with your experience. It wouldn’t feel good to be always looked at with suspicion. Especially for something as heinous as praying on children. Even as a grown women, I logically know most men are not a threat. But the men that are, know how to pray on vulnerabilities. Which probably does make me more guarded than I truly need to be. But how else do I protect myself? How do you purpose we more reasonably balance this structure so that men are not unnecessarily criminalized while still maintaining personal… Read more »
Good article! Sad but true. I remember one time many years ago, I offered to babysit for a married couple of friends so they could go out for a Valentine’s Day dinner. While they were gone, their daughter wet her diaper, so I took her snappy pants off and changed her. I forgot to put her pants back on, probably because in my family, babies ran around in their diapers all the time. When they got home, the wife said to her daughter, “Hi sweetie, where’s your pants?” I told her where they were. No big deal, no accusation, no… Read more »
To the OP: What absolutely drives me bonkers is that statistically speaking women hurt more children than men do, now true most of the time those children are there own children but still. I mean some airlines don’t allow men to sit next to children who aren’t their own (in fact one UK MP was asked to move some years ago away from his own children), From my research I could find maybe half a dozen incidents of children being molested on aircraft during flight and yet there were WAY more incidents of parents who abused their children while on… Read more »
John, exactly. It makes me sad that when members of any given group are tarnished by the few bad apples that get all the press, and people focus so narrowly that it’s almost like they can’t see the larger picture anymore.
It IS sad that men are treated and viewed this way… which is why feeling the need to apologize, simply for being a man, is even sadder.