We’ve been told so many lies about how “perfect” relationships look like.
We grew up witnessing bad relationship models in our families. We were repeatedly told how vital it is to go with the flow of societal norms.
As a result, now we mistake bad behaviors for right, toxic habits for healthy, and follow familiar, yet damaging relationship concepts.
We end up struggling in silence, carrying the burden of our unrealistic expectations.
Here are some things we desperately need to normalize in relationships.
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Having Bad Days
Being in a relationship isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. There are bad and uncertain days too.
Some days you might feel happy and excited to spend time with your partner and some others you might prefer to be alone (e.g., after getting into a fight). Some dates might go perfectly well and some others might turn into a complete disaster. Sex can be amazing one night and pretty mediocre the next.
The thing is, having bad days in your relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you have a bad relationship.
The amount of work and responsibilities you have, stress, and your general well-being are all factors that come into play in the way you approach and feel inside your relationship on a daily basis.
Discontent, disagreements, arguments, and conflict are all things that will occasionally arise in any relationship. As long as you and your partner are committed to working things out together, you’ll get past every bad day.
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Having mismatched sex drives
As individuals, you and your partner will be living your separate lives outside of your relationship, which means you’ll have different experiences, feelings, and thoughts throughout your days.
When you come home to each other at the end of the day, there’s a high chance you won’t be both in the mood for sex.
For example, what if your partner is going through a stressful or grieving period? What if they have been having bad days at work?
Truth be told, your sex drive won’t always be the same as the person you’re in a relationship with. The sooner you accept this and let go of the “right person = amazing sex all the time” expectation, you’ll take the pressure off something that’s supposed to be exciting and pleasurable.
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Asking For Affection & Reassurance
So many of us get insecure and self-conscious when we feel the need to ask our partners for some extra affection or reassurance.
We’re afraid they’ll think we’re “needy” or “clingy” when in reality the need to be reminded of our partner’s love and affection every once in a while is absolutely normal.
Fears and doubts might show up anytime in a relationship. Even more so during times when our partner neglects us due to work, stress, and responsibilities.
Asking our partner for validation in order to put our mind at ease and stop worrying about their feelings or our relationship’s status is something we should feel free and comfortable enough to do.
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Having Regular Check-Ins
As humans, we are ever-changing and ever-evolving. As we grow on a physical and emotional level, our needs and feelings towards our partner might change as well.
Instead of waiting for problems to arise or start making assumptions about our partner’s feelings and thoughts, we should normalize having regular check-ins with them.
For example, it could be a weekly date at a restaurant or a meeting at home where you and your partner talk about what’s going on in your lives, what’s been stressing you, or what you’re struggling with.
You can also discuss how you currently feel about your relationship, some short or long-term plans you have for the future, and if you’re still 100% emotionally there with each other.
That’s what I call open and consistent communication. The more of it you have, the healthier your relationship will be.
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Setting Boundaries
No matter how madly in love you are with or how deeply you love your partner, you shouldn’t say yes to them all the time or do things you don’t want to do just to please them.
Establishing physical and emotional boundaries in your relationship is important in order to stay authentic to yourself and create a net of safety and mutual respect in your relationship.
Boundaries, of course, differ from person to person.
They can be physical, sexual, emotional, and even spiritual. The need to ask for personal space and quiet when you’re working, for example, or to communicate your discomfort when needed. The right to your own time or your privacy. The ability to communicate your physical needs.
You might need to set all of the above boundaries, some of them, or some entirely different ones. That’s up to you. What matters is that you stop feeling guilty about your need for boundaries — or bad about other people’s boundaries towards you.
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Great relationships take intentional work and effort.
It goes without saying that everyone has their own understanding of what the ideal — for them — relationship looks like.
One thing we can all agree though? De-bunking people’s toxic ideas about relationships and letting go of harmful and unrealistic expectations is a great first step toward a healthy relationship.
Remember:
- It’s normal to have bad days in your relationship.
- It’s normal for you and your partner to have mismatched sex drives.
- It’s normal to ask your partner for affection and reassurance.
- It’s normal to establish regular check-ins with your partner.
- It’s normal to set boundaries in your relationship.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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