We’re Attracted to the Emotionally Unavailable

There is a quote I see floating around:

“It’s not about having time, it’s about making time”

and the crux of this quote can go back to if they want to they would or many other versions of that. I find myself attracted to often yearning for the unavailable and after crying myself to sleep from humiliation when I put myself out there again and got rejected again, I realized it’s because I’m probably unavailable. It all goes back to rule number one.

You attract what you are.

My parents would say to me “Your friends are a direct reflection of who you are.” They said this a lot, they usually said it when I was in some sort of trouble and as a cops kid, I was always in trouble.

Later in life, they would say “you’re partner shows what interests you.” I had a thing for bad boys growing up. Not the cigarette smoking, bike riding type, but the misfit pot smoking type (they’re different trust me. Think, Jax from Sons of Anarchy vs. Pete Davidson. I liked the Pete Davidsons.)

This would trickle into my love life later in who I almost married. He was a college drop-out type, not very ambitious, but he looked like the perfect clean cut type and my parents liked what his family was on paper. Which is all I’ve ever really been, good on paper. I let myself fall in love with the paper and I became more than paper and actually followed through with my ambitions and eventually outgrew him.

Now, I’m unavoidable unavailable and that’s exactly what I’m attracting, smart, funny, unavailable me.

The unavailable guys breadcrumb, hard.

They leave a little bit of interest here and there, and it keeps you in and interested in them. Maybe even allows you to fall in love with them. But they stay far enough so they don’t fall in love with you. It’s a game really. Stay close, but not too close. They get off on this type of activity really. They usually also do this to multiple people at a time.

I once knew a guy who had 4 girls wrapped around his finger, he would text them once a week, pretend he liked them, the ball was always in the woman’s court however, he was in full control. It’s a tactic that is used by narcissists and boy do we love narcissists. We love them because they are charming, witty, smart, and most importantly, manipulative. Or — we love them because we are them?

I had a fear that I am attracted to the men who love to be the center of attention and men who are narcissistic because, well, I was one of them. I asked my therapist to do a full breakdown of my personality and asked if I was narcissist and she said something that sticks with me:

Narcissists don’t ask if they’re narcissist.

The funny thing about liking narcissists is, they are emotionally unavailable.

…

There is a man, let’s call him Reed. He’s tall, funny, we have a lot in common when it comes to our extra-curriculars and his son is the cutest little kid, and I don’t like kids. But both of us are emotionally unavailable. We flirt around the idea of liking each other. Liking and sending emojis back and forth to each other and texting a few times a week as if we’re in high school again.

There’s another man, he’s also funny, very attractive, smart, and all around everything I’m looking for. If he were to ask me tomorrow to be his — I’d probably say yes. But either his job comes first or he’s not that into me.“They say” if he’s sending mixed signals take it as a no, but, his signals are hard yes’s when we’re together, and a who are you when we’re apart. I’m not sure where I stand or if I have future and I keep trying but I’m at my wits end with that and my try is slowly going away.

Then there’s me. I have high self-esteem and even higher self worth. I don’t give people multiple chances anymore and I also cut out at the first red flag. But what I don’t do is tell men how I feel. I’m not openly honest about my true feelings and intentions.

So that’s what I attract. It’s a sticky situation really.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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