What a Breakup Can Sound and Feel Like

This is what a breakup can sound and feel like:

• I get it. I see you and understand you. I get what it is you’ve been asking for. I in no way think your vision or desire is wrong, or that you’re somehow wrong for wanting it.
• I’m clear what’s being asked of me, what would be required, and I’m clear that it’s out of my range to be that/do that/provide that/go there with you.
  (Or… I’m declining because it’s not what I want.)
• I also feel deeply seen, understood, and gotten by you.
• I can see that you understand what I’ve been asking for. And I get that it’s out of your range to meet me in my vision and desire. (Or your conscious choice to decline.) In no way do I see any wrong in you for not meeting me there.
• I respect your choice, and feel no disrespect from you regarding mine.
• My heart aches, but we both accept that these are dealbreakers. It’s time for us to shift direction, and start crafting our new way of relating, based on putting distance between us rather than closeness.
• I will greatly miss and appreciate everything that has been wonderful about our relationship.
• I’m sad, and — I’m not gonna lie — oddly relieved. Like I can finally exhale. I’m no longer in mystery and paralysis about our future, and feel a seed of excitement and wide-openness for my next chapter, with a sense of resolution about us.
• With that exhale, resolution, and distance, I can start to feel my appreciation for you as a human being more than I’ve been able to in recent months.
• I genuinely feel grateful for the relationship and I genuinely wish you well.
• Let’s set a time to talk about logistics of disengagement, and about how we want to relate with each other moving forward.

I’ve mentioned in the past that when couples work with me for relationship coaching and end up breaking up instead, they still write glowing testimonials, and enthusiastically refer other couples to me.

They’re grateful to have arrived at the clarity they needed to make the difficult life choice to separate without guilt, blame, a sense of failure, or fear of regret over the decision.

Anyone who’s had a rocky breakup can probably understand the gift of an amicable and easeful breakup.

And along the way they’ve acquired valuable new relationship skills that will serve them for the rest of their lives and make any future relationship better.

I’ll be going into a lot more detail on breakups in future posts.

If you’ve been together for 1–5 years but still feel hesitant, indecisive, or in disagreement about fully committed life partnership, I’d love to interview you. I’m researching for a program I’m designing for couples; this isn’t a sales call. I’d love to ask you a few questions about your experience to help guide the design of my program. Schedule here.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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