What a Narcissistic Spouse Taught Me About the President

If you caught my subtitle you know I like a good pun. But I promise this is not about politics. I hope you will read enough to recognize that.

If only Donald Trump hadn’t become President, no one would have been the wiser. As a business owner, he remained inconspicuous. His harsh persona perceived as authoritative and influential. He was interpreted as the embodiment of a fierce and powerful professional.

The narcissist is veiled by charm, money, and success.

As they so often are.

There are many who find the narcissist irresistible. A magnet of undeniable proportion. And then, there are the others. The disillusioned and the frustrated. The individuals maddened by the world’s inability to recognize the troubling clues.

It’s the narcissistic Yin and Yang.

Both must exist.

The followers which blanket the narcissist with admiration, and the others who attempt to expose their naked truth.

It doesn’t matter whether you are republican or democrat. This is not political. This is about human behavior. It’s about the extreme danger of those who lack critical ‘empathy.’

Ironically, this frightening deficit is what drives a narcissist’s success. It is a ruthlessness which allows them to stampede people and topple organizations…

As if they were merely swatting at flies.

The narcissist continues to rise to the top. The narcissist’s callous instincts, and their self-addictive tendencies feed this.

Most people will unintentionally entangle themselves with the narcissist.

Certainly, a Nation did.

This further proves what an alarming personality disorder it is.

No one ever suspects the cruelty and inhumanity concealed within. By the time it is finally uncovered, a fight for survival has begun. It is extremely difficult to break free from narcissistic clutches.

Especially if you have unwittingly made the narcissist more powerful.

The majority of people never saw my ex-husband as anything but funny and disarming. A likable, life of the party, success story. I couldn’t blame them. Neither did I.

But there was another side to him.

Still, few would’ve ever believed me.

Again, I couldn’t blame them because I wrestled with it myself. I was baffled by an otherwise fun and engaging man who was capable of yielding coldness, cruelty, control, power, and punishment.

He was a disturbing contradiction. Every narcissist is a terrifying contradiction. The attractive exterior and the crippling interior.

The controlling, manipulative, self-addicted, fragile ego that lacks crucial empathy and can wreak havoc on their intended target.

If I hadn’t divorced my husband no one would have been the wiser. Except the few who were witness to my reality. The majority of people would’ve believed this charming, and successful man was simply a victim of a marriage gone wrong. A good guy who got a bum deal.

But here’s the thing.

Anger pushes the narcissist out of hiding.

Narcissists expose themselves when they are angry. Narcissists unearth themselves when they are no longer in a position of power. The narcissist’s unrestrainable need for control reveals the disturbing personality disorder…the one that’s hiding below the charming exterior.

And their ungovernable need to win becomes public.

This is where the narcissistic Yin and Yang collide.

The once perfectly separate and controllable worlds of the narcissist begin to fall apart. Why? Because even some of the narcissist’s admirers can detect something is not right.

Something is not normal within this individual.

An alarm is signaled.

Perhaps this individual is not who they appear to be. The lack of empathy, manipulation, and control become apparent as the narcissist bullies their way towards the win.

And of course, threaten and punish anyone they believe wronged them.

The husband who can no longer control the wife and money. And is capable of stepping far outside emotional, financial, and legal limits.

If Trump had not entered a democracy he would never have exposed himself. Had he stuck to running his own organization most of the world would never have witnessed the unmistakable narcissistic signs.

Narcissists do not play well with others.

They do not like to be told what to do.

Nor will they do anything they do not want to do. They believe they are above the law. The narcissist operates outside of typical societal norms and boundaries.

The narcissist will dismiss and ignore those around them, in favor of control and winning. Narcissists will behave in any manner they please. Rules do not apply to them.

The narcissist believes they are superior.

The narcissist operates in their own perception of reality which often makes them untethered to both ‘truth and actual reality.’ They do not care what others think which makes their behavior egregious and unpredictable.

The narcissist will attempt to take down. or remove anyone who obstructs their path. or their desired outcome. If they believe an individual has wronged them, they will be unrelenting and punishing.

This stems from a lack of empathy.

But unbelievably, there is something which can make a narcissist more menacing. It’s allowing them to gain enough power to understand your vulnerabilities. The narcissist’s highly manipulative nature will capitalize on this to weaken, or destroy anyone they feel is a threat.

Even more worrisome?

The lack of empathy creates essentially one world. The narcissist’s world. This means they do not care how damaging the outcome is to others. Even those who haven’t hurt them.

They are collateral damage.

The narcissist will rationalize this.

They will weave it within their own perception of the truth. Sure, others suffered…but it was because another person did the wrong thing. It’s that person’s fault, not the narcissist.

The blame will never fall upon the narcissist.

The narcissist is incapable of accountability.

Many individuals around the narcissist will exhaust, and frustrate themselves attempting to hold the narcissist responsible. To no avail. The narcissist is a skilled manipulator and will always find a way out. They will always have enough admirers to assist them, or enablers to excuse them.

The narcissist operates outside of typical societal norms and boundaries.

The fear is real and justified.

All of this creates a fight for reality.

It escalates.

The individuals who attempt to expose the narcissist because they recognize the narcissist’s lack of reality. And the individuals who continue to admire and enable the narcissist who reject this.

They rationalize the narcissist’s disturbing behavior.

They say it’s a part of their success, their personality, their strength.

When in reality, it’s anything but that. It’s a frightening personality disorder that is masked by flamboyance, charm, money, and success. Sadly, it makes otherwise rational people look beyond irrational behavior.

It’s difficult to identify and understand narcissism.

True empathy lacking narcissism.

And it’s impossible not to recognize it if you’ve experienced it. It’s not a little bit of ego, or selfishness. It’s a damaging personality that disguises itself in a nearly harmless manner…at least initially.

If only this disorder presented in an easily comprehensible fashion.

If we could see it coming.

The alcoholic who falls down drunk is understandably digested. It is overt behavior. It’s not that simple with narcissism. It’s not immediately obvious.

The charm and success excuse the narcissist’s extreme behavior.

And narcissists don’t seek treatment because they never reach emotional sobriety. The inability to see outside their own world makes it impossible to see in. The narcissist lacks the ability to self-reflect.

If Donald Trump had not become President, no one would be the wiser. But a divorce, and representative democracy will force a narcissist out of hiding.

It will expose the extreme danger of those who lack critical ‘empathy.’ It will flaunt the unrestrainable need for control, and their ungovernable need to win.

A serious personality disorder that trumps politics.

Or it should.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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