'What Are You Wearing Right Now?'

How often have I gotten the infamous “What are you wearing?” question from a potential affair partner?

Way too often.

“Ummm, dirty yoga pants and an old top with stains.” The truth ain’t gonna fly, peeps. I can add, “My hair is in a very messy bun, and I don’t have a stitch of makeup on.”

Picture that, dude. Does it make you hard?

It seems most men want a pornstar instead of a real person. Most of us eat chips on the couch in front of Netflix at home, making a mess of ourselves. We aren’t in designer clothes lounging with lipstick on. Or in some skimpy negligee with side boob hanging out.

I should answer, just to fuck with them, “I’m sitting here naked with my legs spread, waiting for you to ask me…” Are you getting a boner now, babe?

“Do you want me to lie?” is my go-to.
Cause, I ain’t telling the truth.

Guys who ask me, “What are you wearing?” aren’t the right ones.

Nope.

That demand triggers my rebellious streak. I want to make myself as unsexy as possible.

“A penguin onesie,” one lady on Reddit answered.
“Granny gowns and socks.”
“Harry Potter t-shirt that has absolutely zero shape whatsoever.”

LOL.

Which of the three is worse? I think the penguin onesie is kinda hot. I’d like to unzip that bad boy to reveal some smooth skin.

I don’t have time to be your sexy FREE OnlyFans model. Break the bank and pay some enterprising lady the $10 per month already.

Pester me for pics and I’m likely to Google some boobs and send them. “These are kinda close to mine. Enjoy!” I’m not here to build up your FAP bank, dude.

Flog your wiener with some other woman’s vagina.

I don’t need someone who doesn’t treat a woman like a person.

Send me some dark and funny memes.
Send me witty banter.

Don’t ask me for sexy snaps at all hours.

No more “What are you wearing right now?” questions.

I’m grubby and disgusting. Probably just like you.

Yet, I still want you to look at me like I’m a gazelle crossing the Serengeti in Africa and you’re a hungry lion waiting to pounce. The thought of my jiggly goodness sends you into animal mode.

Is that too much to ask for?
Naw.

But I need your heart, brain, and cock in alignment — the holy Trinity (as per u/Looking4LittleSpoon).

I love steamy sex. I love sexting. But the posed dumb pictures? Spare me. I’d like to know about your life. Maybe even your dreams. But I don’t need to “doll” myself up for these photo ops. Nope. Affairs should be what you want them to be (or the risk ain’t worth it). Find what type of lover is right for you — one that won’t pester you for photos that you find uncomfortable.

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What’s your stance on the “What are you wearing right now?” requests? Tell me in the comments.

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Follow me at [email protected] because I tell it like it is, and it’s free, motherfucker. Plus, I like to swear if you haven’t noticed.

Support me at [email protected] ’cause you like me, really really like me. I’m only a tiny bit delusional.

Buy me chai tea at ko-fi/monalisasmiled. Please and thank you. That’s as nice as I get.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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