What Cheaters Are Really After in the Affairs They Start

I have come to view affairs a little differently than the unrestrained passion and mystery that they appear to be to the casual observer, and even though affairs all tend to look different, I still see the very common threads running in each one.

You shouldn’t find this at all surprising because cheaters are, well, human after all so, their motivations will come from some very human places. Therefore, far from being just random acts of betrayal, they are driven, for instance, by some deep-seated needs, unresolved feelings, and even a search for something that the cheaters can not properly define themselves.

It is only when we look past the usual superficial judgments that we will uncover why people can take such risky steps outside their committed relationships and the true consequences.

What are they really after? Do they ever find it?

For some it is about the thrill of infidelity, the rush of doing something “forbidden,” the wild ride, that is, until they get off and realize their head is spinning. Nonetheless, the allure of the new is just so intoxicating but the thing is, as fresh and different as it may be, it is just an illusion.

As they come to find out, the thrill doesn’t last and the excitement quickly fades when the reality sets in. This is because, for thrill seekers, the “new” eventually becomes “normal,” and they are back to where they started, only with a bigger mess to clean up.

44% of men cheat on their partners because of the desire for more sex, and the force of motivation for this act is the excitement they derive. [Source]

Another motivation is to escape what they see as stagnation in their primary relationships. If you have ever felt the doldrums of routine you can understand why some people look for any break from the norm, and for some cheaters who find themselves feeling trapped in a “stagnant” relationship, the thought of an affair becomes like an escape route to reigniting that spark in their lives.

“I feel like I have betrayed his trust and can never have a normal life with him anymore. Every gesture of love he shows me makes me feel more and more guilty every day. I want us to stay together but I don’t know how to deal with my guilt, which leaves me stifled every moment. That’s precisely how cheating affects the cheater.” –Nyla

The reality here is, those routes don’t lead to more problems than solutions. All they are doing instead of working through the “boring” phase and figuring out why they are feeling disconnected, is taking a detour. Sure, it may feel liberating at first, but the excitement they hoped to regain is soon replaced by new tensions.

Some, yet again, have turned to affairs for ego boosts because they feel the spark that made them once feel special has now dimmed, and they are beginning to question their own desirability. The affair is, therefore, like a mirror that reflects back to them their new and improved self, and for a moment it is validating to feel desirable again.

However, what cheaters fail to realize is that true confidence doesn’t come from back-alley romances but from honest and stable relationships. The validation that depends on deception is only a temporary fix that once it fades, they will be left feeling even more insecure than before.

33% of women cheated on their spouse to find out if they have lost their charm. [Source]

I cannot even begin to explain how I feel about myself after cheating. Do cheaters realize what they lost, you ask? Every single moment. Cheaters suffer a lot, I’d say.” –Salma

One curious variety of cheaters are those who turn to infidelity as a twisted way of getting the upper hand because it makes them feel like they are calling the shots. This desire stems from feeling slighted in their primary relationship or feeling they have lost control.

Here is the irony, though: the more secrets they keep, the less control they actually have. They are forever looking over their shoulder, calculating, hiding, until the thing that they thought would empower them ends up trapping them. It thus becomes a classic case of: “I’m not in control, the affair is controlling me.” I imagine, for most, that is a miserable way to live.

“They are forever looking over their shoulder, calculating, hiding, until the thing that they thought would empower them ends up trapping them.”

Finally, we will look at those who see infidelity as some grand adventure in self-discovery and those who imagine themselves as bold explorers, finding parts of themselves they had lost or forgotten. However, an affair feels like the perfect chance to shake things up and “find themselves” again.

In reality, however, going this route is a journey to nowhere. An affair only gives the illusion of a fresh start, but it rarely leads to any true, long-lasting fulfillment, and most cheaters eventually come to realize they have been searching in the wrong place all along.

So, what do we get from all of this?

First, affairs are not just about desire or romance; they are a deep reflection of unmet needs, but instead of addressing those needs head-on, cheaters characteristically opt for shortcuts. And these routes, as we have seen, rarely lead to anywhere worth going.

True connections, fulfillment, and even adventure can be found within primary relationships where the effort is made. All a partner needs to do is to look inward and/or face their primary partner with honesty.

For those who still think an affair sounds more appealing than the simple, honest communication they need in their relationship, then maybe it is time they ask themselves whether the problem is really with the relationship, their partners or it is with them.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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