What Divorced People Secretly Carry Around

According to the American Psychological Association, 40 to 50 percent of marriages end in divorce.

With so many getting divorced, why does it seem to inspire such feelings of guilt and shame?

It’s become such a common occurrence in modern society that it seems strange that a marriage breaking up still holds such a social stigma… yet, oddly enough, it does.

Here are four things divorced people feel shame about, even if it was the right move:

1. ‘Divorce went against my values’

This doesn’t mean that divorce is a bad thing (at all). But it’s fair to say that most cultural and religious institutions are not big advocates for the benefits of divorce.

No religion endorses divorce (though some are softening their attitudes towards it), and most governments incentivize people to get and stay married (through tax breaks and other means).

So, even though nearly half of married couples get divorced, our societal institutions have yet to adopt more open-minded and empathetic attitudes towards divorce.

This means that when we decide to get a divorce, it feels like we’re not being supported by society.

2. ‘Divorce felt like failure’

We don’t deal with failure well, do we?

Even if it’s done for the best reasons, divorce does, in many ways, represent a broken promise. “We said we’d be together forever and… we’re not.”

In reality, divorce is more like just moving on from an unsatisfying relationship.

Things have come to an end, we’re heartbroken, and it’s the healthy choice to try something new.

But, because you stood in front of your friends and said “I do,” the whole break-up can feel more like a step backward than a step forward (even if the opposite is true).

3. ‘Divorce impacted our kids’

This is sometimes the most potent source of divorce-shame — the feeling that, by getting a divorce, you’ve somehow let down your children or deprived them of a loving family.

Often, in these situations, we feel like we didn’t do enough to keep the family together, even though, in reality, it can be much more detrimental for the family in the long run to keep the parents in a dysfunctional relationship.

The key to dealing with this kind of divorce guilt is just showing your children, through your words and actions, that divorce doesn’t have to tear a family apart.

Even if you don’t like your partner anymore, if you keep your divorce civil and professional for your children, you’ll be able to leave the proceedings with your head held high.

4. ‘Divorce wasn’t supported by my community’

You’d think that people would be used to divorce by now, but, more often than not, our friends and family struggle when it comes to supporting people going through a rough break-up.

Divorces make people uneasy. They don’t know how to offer help.

But how great would it be if our community didn’t automatically have such a negative reaction to divorce?

What if their response to hearing that you’re getting a divorce was “Congratulations!” or “How can I help?”

If we can all stop seeing divorce as a cause for embarrassment and instead just start viewing it as a normal transition point in life, we would (hopefully) start supporting each other more and stop treating divorce as a shameful thing.

Divorce can be an isolating, confidence-shattering act, but it doesn’t have to be.

More than anything, we should see divorce as an opportunity, as an act of hope.

Getting divorced opens doors to new relationships and possibilities — it shouldn’t be something that causes us shame or guilt.

It’s just the start of a new chapter in our lives, and with the support of our family and community, we can feel proud about our decision to take those next steps into the future.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.