Can you let him know he’s needed, even necessary, and capable of anything?
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I’m originally from the beautiful twin isles of Trinidad and Tobago, and for many years I lived in South Florida where most of my colleagues and friends were of Caribbean or Hispanic descent. I noticed a trend in the way boys are raised that may or may not derive from cultural similarities. On any given day, I would hear women complain about men being lazy, worthless, and good for nothing. Yet, many of these women were the same ones coddling their sons and the males in their lives. I don’t live with these men, so I cannot comment on their traits or behaviors, but I do wonder about our role as women in these dynamics.
Just as women do not care to be reduced to sex objects and body parts, I’m sure men do not care to be reduced to a paycheck.
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All relationships are imperfect. I know that I have faltered in giving the men in my life the love, acknowledgement, and respect they deserve. I still don’t have all the answers, but as with any issue, acknowledging it and reflecting on it is always a step in the right direction.
This starts with making the boys in our lives feel needed and necessary, capable, and loved. However, treating their fathers and adult male peers this way is equally important. How comforting would it be for boys to grow up knowing that they will be treated well, respected, and valued when they reach adulthood, too?
Needed and Necessary
There was a time when men were needed to support the household financially. In many modern households, this may not be the case. I’ve heard true stories about men being told that they are not needed simply because their finances were not. I cannot imagine how hurtful this is to a male partner. Just as women do not care to be reduced to sex objects and body parts, I’m sure men do not care to be reduced to a paycheck.
While most women are probably not this extreme, we sometimes may send the message that we don’t need and value the roles that the men in our lives play. I’m not suggesting we stroke their egos in a superficial way by pretending we need them to open the pickle jar.
I am suggesting that we think about all the ways they contributes to our lives. What would we miss about them if they weren’t around? What would be so much more difficult? What tasks do they take off of our hands that we really appreciate?
I’ve heard women openly say that having their husband around is like having another child in the house.
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Some of these may be big and some may seem insignificant, but once we identify them, the next step is the most important- tell him. Show him. Make sure he doesn’t forget.
Let’s make sure we don’t forget, lest we start taking the men in our lives for granted.
Capable
I’ve seen women speaking to men in a way that makes me cringe, in a way that we would never accept if the tables were turned. I’ve seen men trying to help and being criticized and micromanaged for not doing things the exact same way that we would. I’ve heard women openly say that having their husband around is like having another child in the house. Treating men this way is unacceptable, unfair, and inequitable. We do not accept women being treated this way. If a man puts a woman down, especially in front of others, we call this emotional abuse and we call him an asshole.
You might say that your husband is like a child and he does mess things up all the time. I would implore you to look into how frequently these statements are really true and to explore your role in these dynamics. We cannot control a man’s actions, but we can control our own. You can choose to remember that we are all imperfect and treat him respectfully. You can choose to focus on his efforts and what he does do well. We can make a choice to remember and appreciate these things.
Loved
Only you know what makes your man feel loved. Whatever it is, try to give it generously. God knows there are times when this is difficult.
Try to hold your partner in a place of love by noticing and appreciating all the ways he’s loving to you and others. I actually keep a running list on my phone of all the things I appreciate about my significant other. It includes, but is not limited to, his best qualities; sweet, little things he’s said to me; kind gestures toward me or others; and special moments or funny inside jokes we’ve shared. I look at it and add to it regularly. I add to it when I’m feeling good about him and our relationship, and I study it in those moments when our relationship currency is running low.
We will never be perfect, but we can learn how to make the men in our lives feel more needed and necessary, capable, and loved every day.
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Work on speaking to your partner in a loving way. I can be a very blunt person and this does not always go over well when dealing with sensitive topics. I’m learning the hard way that talking about things while I’m upset is not usually a good idea. While I’m aware of this, it’s often easier said than done. If I can’t communicate constructively, I’m working on at least saying nothing at all until my emotions are not in control. I would rather withdraw temporarily than say unloving things that cannot be taken back.
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The man in your life may have different criteria for feeling loved. You may have different areas for growth to make him feel this way. You are the expert on your partner and your relationship, but there’s always room to learn more.
Thankfully, love is forgiving. Thankfully, we can always start fresh when we have fallen short. We will never be perfect, but we can learn how to make the men in our lives feel more needed and necessary, capable, and loved every day.
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Photo: Getty Images
FlyingKal and Erin,
Thanks for your sharing your thoughts! I love hearing different perspectives on these issues. Helps me to become a better person and writer.
Gena – I look forward to any other articles you may write.
Hey Jules,
I don’t know what happened to your comment. I don’t handle the comment moderation.
I will have a new post out every Monday at 7 p.m. EST.
Cheers! Thanks for reading!
Great!
I like some of the advice in this article. But I also feel uncertain about other aspects of it. I liked the questions Gena asked when she said, “ I am suggesting that we think about all the ways they contributes to our lives. What would we miss about them if they weren’t around? What would be so much more difficult? What tasks do they take off of our hands that we really appreciate?” I think these are great questions any woman can ask herself to help her with her relationship. But I also think part of the issues being… Read more »
Good post. Thank you Erin. I think people who feel mistreated in a relationship need to have honest discussions about how and why. Yes, I guess some people really are lazy, drinking beer and watching TV (or porn…) 24/7, and just leave everything for their partner to handle. But often, there’s a lot that might get misunderstood in perception of what is done, and when. I think that familiarity often grow complacency, if I’m expressing myself correctly? And the small things that gets done by routine every day will start to get overlooked. I also think that keeping a list… Read more »
Haha…you’re a courageous man to say the ‘p’ word to me directly lol. Rarely do I miss an opportunity to speak out against the ‘p’ word.
Misunderstanding, complacency and a general lack of communication are all good points FlyiingKal. I simply think that a lot of people haven’t yet developed some of the communications skills to be honest and direct about what you need in a relationship. I struggled with that one for most of my life. But honest, sincere, non-accusatory discussions are important. And having a partner who is open to hearing it is key.
Hi Erin, Well, I know we argue a lot. So I wanted to acknowledge you writing something I agree with. No more than fair, if the expression is correct? Communication skills are important, yes. And also knowing the “triggers” of yourself and your partner. I grew up in a rural, sort of “redneck-light” area (mostly farmlands and forests/lumberjacks around). I tagged along where I could and learned quite a lot about being handy at lots of stuff. But reading also came easy to me, and I got high grades in school, something my parents seemed to have some trouble grasping.… Read more »
Richard, thanks for sharing that experience. The reminder might come in handy for me as I navigate my relationship. I added that book to my reading list! Jules, thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful feedback! I definitely get what you’re saying about not needing to be needed. I think we could all benefit from finding that validation from within. Perhaps it’s more about making our partners feel appreciated and valuing what they bring to the table. I also don’t want men, or anyone, to feel disposable- a sentiment I’ve heard from a few men. Maybe if we… Read more »
You’re welcome!
Hopefully we will be reading more from you soon!
Btw, I posted a reply to FlyingKal. Was the kisbosh put on it?
Hi Gena, and thank you for your feedback. I honestly can’t say if it’s getting worse in general, since I’m mostly speaking from my own experience. I’d guess the “providing” pretty much stays the same, but the objects are shifting to more emotional and maybe a little less financial. Then again, in some kind of crisis it’s always been the responsibility of the man to be the emotional “solid rock” of the family, right? And regarding finances, even in equal money-making relationships, who usually gets first dibs on the stay-at-home-business in the event of a child? So, maybe we’re putting… Read more »
@ FlyingKal, “I’d guess the “providing” pretty much stays the same, but the objects are shifting to more emotional and maybe a little less financial.” Yes, you are correct. I cannot speak for Sweden. But, here in the US women are demanding more of their men in ALL areas. Now, I do not have a problem with this, prima facie. However, there is not no reason for women to be demanding more of men financially. The financial status of women here has increased dramatically. Where women are justified in demanding more of men is in the emotional and educational/cultural areas.… Read more »
Well said Jules.
Thank you, Jules.
I agree that we could all do a lot better in the area of expanding our horizons and comfort zones.
Now, I don’t usually have a problem with that. It’s mostly in conversations I get shut down or ignored.
PS. Forgot to add.
Thank you for a stellar article. Especially the notes at the end about making someone feel loved.
(From my own experience, using sarcasm on people who already think they are “broken” or inferior, is not a useful way to go.)
Gena, Thanks for this very special piece. It is not very often that men get praise, empathy, and understanding even on GMP. As humans we all have basic needs whether man or woman. As I man, what I need from a woman is: 1) To be genuinely loved for the person I am 2) To be respected 3) To be genuinely desired (sex) 4) Loyalty That’s it. I really don’t know or understand why so many men want to feel needed or necessary by a woman. I could never grasp this. I really do not get it at all. I… Read more »
Jules, “I really don’t know or understand why so many men want to feel needed or necessary by a woman.” I think it’s caused, largely, by an upbringing/socialization (schools, parents, media…), telling boys and young men that we aren’t really lovable in ourselves. We are told that we are first and foremost providers and “protectors”, and that basically we can’t be loved as persons. On this site alone, rarely a day goes by without articles telling us that our most important mission is to provide financial and emotional stability and security for a family. We don’t really have any business… Read more »
@ FlyingKal,
Thanks for the insight.
I posted a reply to you earlier. I guess the kibosh was put on it…But, Gena did make reference to it below.
Crabb, in “Men and Women; Enjoying the Difference” spends a good part talking about the effects of trust and appreciation. Other practitioners address it, but Crabb–searching and profound review on Amazon–goes into the subject in detail. Given trust and appreciation, says Crabb, a man becomes a bigger man in a number of ways; competent, takes initiative, courageous, leadership, so forth. And better in bed. A man whose partner withholds or discredits issues of appreciation and trust will lead to the man becoming a sullen wimp sitting on the sofa thinking sordid thoughts. Some of it is, Crabb implies, conscious. Some… Read more »