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Why Early Dating Can Be So Confusing
In early dating, it is hard to tell if someone’s interest is authentic or if it is driven by something that has nothing to do with you.
Maybe they’re driven by lust, by the search for a rebound after getting their heart broken, or simply by ego—to see if they can get you.
It’s easy to see all of these types as bad actors who know exactly what they’re doing. And some of them are, of course. But others aren’t even conscious of what’s driving their behavior. So you wouldn’t learn the truth even if you asked them.
This is why signals like someone being open about their feelings toward you, eagerly setting up the next time you’ll meet, and taking you on fairy tale-like dates are not necessarily strongly correlated with how great your relationship will be with them in the future—or whether there will ever be one.
A classic error is mistaking someone’s attention for their intention.
In truth, some of the best relationships burn more slowly, have less certainty in the beginning, and even have more friction—which we’ll talk about later in this video.
And some of the worst relationships start off like a perfect Disney movie with fireworks.
It is confusing. It is hard to tell what emotional availability actually looks like in the beginning.
So in this video, I wanted to share a few signs—or green flags, for a change—of what to look out for in the first few weeks or months of dating that can help you figure out if someone’s behavior shows real intention and possibility, or if this person is doomed to break your heart.
If you’re new here, I am Matthew Hussey. I’ve been a coach for almost two decades. I wrote the international bestseller Love Life, and I share the lessons I’ve learned over the years on this YouTube channel.
Subscribe and give this video a like so that I can reach more people who need to hear these lessons.
Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.
Love Bombing vs. Real Interest
Here’s the tricky thing that trips a lot of people up: in early dating, love bombing and actual interest can look eerily similar.
It is only the aftermath that lets us know which one it actually was.
A love bomber can send flirty texts showing interest, listen to your wants and needs and deliver them to you, talk about the future, and tell you how special you are.
When you talk to friends about all of this, the cautious ones may say:
“He’s doing too much. That’s love bombing.”
Whereas the hopeful romantics will say:
“Oh my God, see? This is why I say if men wanted to, they would. He is so into you.”
It’s hard to know which voices to listen to.
So what are the green flags that can tell you where your relationship is actually headed?
Green Flag #1: Reciprocity and Momentum
Finally, an occasion for this hat.
If you are going on incredible dates, but you don’t hear from that person for a couple of weeks until it’s time to set up the next one, there’s a loss in momentum there.
And if you’ve noticed gaps like this and you’ve been the one stepping up and texting in between dates, but the interest hasn’t been reciprocal, it may be a sign that this relationship is one of convenience—or filling a void that has nothing to do with that person’s genuine interest in you.
An early green flag is that there’s momentum and a reciprocal back-and-forth between the two of you.
- If you text first, does she keep the exchange going?
- If you indicate you’d like to see him again, does he set up the next date?
- If you say you prefer calls over texts, does he pick up the phone and call you?
Those are all green flags that this person’s intentions are aligned with yours.
A good sign that you’re experiencing reciprocity and momentum—a green bean, if you will—is that instead of feeling anxious and confused, something emotionally unavailable people routinely make you feel in dating, you feel comfortable sharing how you feel and safe communicating your needs.
When You’re Unsure if It’s You or Them
One of the hardest parts, especially if we are anxious-leaning, is trying to figure out if the problem is us or them.
Does their behavior actually warrant our anxiety?
Are we intuiting that something is off about their intentions, or is our nervous system playing tricks on us?
It’s so hard to trust ourselves when someone’s emotional availability—or unavailability—only becomes apparent in hindsight.
And when we do speak up, we want to communicate powerfully, not from a place of insecurity or neediness in a way we later regret.
Green Flag #2: You Feel Safe Communicating Needs and Feelings
When you bring up your needs to an emotionally available person, their reaction does not leave you thinking:
“Oh my God, what have I done?”
And then feeling like you can’t bring something up next time.
One of my Love Life members told me about a guy she was dating who never texted her during the daytime.
When she talked to him about it, he told her he couldn’t give her what she needed and broke up with her.
Now she felt an instinctive regret at ever having said anything.
But she didn’t need to regret it because she hadn’t lost the right person.
The right person is emotionally available.
And when you bring something up productively to someone who is emotionally available, it becomes a conversation.
Either they’ll understand and change their behavior, they’ll meet you in the middle, or if they can’t do something you’re asking, they’ll explain that in an authentic and compassionate way.
It won’t leave you feeling horrible for ever mentioning it.
And it won’t be followed by withdrawal on their part.
You won’t feel punished somehow.
They won’t use it as an excuse to blow things up while allowing you to torture yourself into believing it was your fault.
Here’s a good test:
If you’re beating yourself up for having dared to point out something minor that ended things, it is not you who messed up.
It is them who is emotionally unavailable.
Green Flag #3: Acceptance Without Judgment
Here’s a deeper one to reflect on.
Emotionally available people create a culture of acceptance from the beginning.
In other words, you feel safe not being perfect.
Emotionally unavailable people often create a culture where you don’t feel safe being yourself.
Maybe you feel judged in a contemptuous way, or like you have to perform to fit their narrative of what a great partner looks like.
Maybe you feel like parts of you are too much—that you’re too sensitive, too emotional, or too demanding because, God forbid, you’d like to hear from them once a day.
Or perhaps you feel like you’re not enough because you enjoy slow Saturday mornings in bed instead of joining them for a 6:00 a.m. gratitude session followed by a quick Ironman and a breakfast cold plunge.
If someone is continuously judging or picking at you or your lifestyle, it’s important to express that while they may have expectations for the kind of person they want to be with, you are genuinely happy and comfortable with who you are.
And make clear that you are not judging them at every turn.
Not because they’re perfect. They’re not.
What you ultimately want is to commit to seeing the best in each other—or face the reality that you’re not right for each other.
This conversation does a couple of powerful things.
It shows them you don’t even judge yourself for the things they’re judging you for.
And it also shows that you accept them despite their imperfections.
You don’t worship them. You see them clearly, but apply a generous lens.
That’s a rare thing smart people don’t want to lose.
But your standard is knowing what your kind of love is worth in the world.
So if someone is going to be here, you expect the same in return.
Green Flags Are Not Always Decisive
One of the biggest misconceptions about green flag people is that they show up as decisive.
That is not true.
Emotionally unavailable red flags can be incredibly decisive in the beginning.
And people who are actually right for you—people you can build a long-term relationship with—may show up as hesitant, unsure, and uncertain.
We have this idea that emotionally available people always know exactly what they want.
That they’re clear, decisive, strong, and certain.
Some advice online says men put you in a category immediately: girlfriend or hookup.
Other advice says:
“When men know, they know.”
These things are such oversimplifications.
Most human beings, regardless of gender, are uncertain about what they truly want and need.
So few of us know at the outset what will actually make us happy in a relationship.
The early stages of dating are often driven by emotion, dopamine, and lust.
The Master Key to Dating
A green flag is a person who is receptive to new ways of being happy, open to change, and willing to grow.
They may not be the most confident person you’ve ever met.
They may not be perfect in their communication style.
Many people don’t know what they want until they experience something healthy.
Green flags are people who are open to being shaped by emotionally available communication and who rise to the level of an amazing relationship once presented with one.
Unavailable people, by contrast, are rigid in their ways and show little desire to grow.
No amount of communication with them will change that.
That’s why most people don’t realize that the master key to dating in the modern era is leadership.
Leading with your warmth, your acceptance of other people, the generous ways you see them, and emotionally evolved communication.
And also leading with your standards for what you’re willing—or no longer willing—to accept in return.
This approach doesn’t just filter out red flags quickly before you’ve invested too much.
It’s what makes more people become green flags around you.
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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