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“When they attack you and you notice that you love them with all your heart, your work is done…all the advice you ever gave your partner is for you to hear.” ~ Byron Katie
My lady and I are halfway through our 30-Day Relationship Challenge! It’s time to look back and deliver some raw truths—and nothing but raw truths.
We created this sweet beast to hunt for deeper connection and redefine our love story. These simple, and sometimes edgy, scripts help move us from our conditioned routines and put us in a place where we can stay present, while sharing our passion and discomforts.
The basic principle we follow here is this: My partner is 100% my creation.
This is not a rose garden—we encountered problems
Our challenge is usually scheduled at eight or nine o’clock in the evening, but the problem for me is that I feel tired at night. I don’t feel like taking on any fucking challenge.
Sometimes I would start doing it for the sake of doing it and the action itself seems to make me want to do it completely. When I meet my lady in the challenge, I become curious about her and start to see her. It made me more conscious of how she’s behaving, breathing, speaking, thinking, and walking.
We changed the order from Anita Kvaic’s original plan. I observed myself closely. Carefulness and control came along with this challenge. Maybe tonight is not the night to get drunk. Let’s skip the photo shoot night—I don’t like my hair. The funniest one was when we couldn’t find a friend to visit on the “visiting friends” night. They were all busy.
Let me confess here, the last two weeks of our relationship have been the hardest ever. We couldn’t accomplish the challenge on a day-to-day basis. We had two 3-day periods when the challenge was just too painful for us to take on. This self-awareness is revealing unexplored pain inside of me.
Consequently, new space has opened up between us for more anger, frustration, and sadness to enter. The daily practice of celebrating this has helped me love her more.
Here are my top 5 revelations so far:
1. Massage night
For me, there’s no better test of my presence with her than a massage. If she’s not enjoying it, I’m not even close there. That feels sad. The strongest aphrodisiac for me is to hear the sound of her enjoying my hands.
It’s the perfect moment to feel her heartbeat and immerse myself in this little dance of ours. And the level of relaxation after receiving a massage from her was ecstatic. We had sex after the challenge and I was so easy on myself. I felt like a pulsing rocket.
2. Naked cuddling
I became a great fan of naked cuddling.
The skin is a fascinating organ to me. There’s nothing like a feeling when lover’s skins meet together.
It felt like we were wrapped up in a soft mantle and nourished by our bodies. It was erotica meets gentleness.
3. 100 reasons I love you
I wrote this 100 lines in 20 minutes. The only thing I decided is to not overthink a second. Just write what comes to mind. I was a little bit shaky like I was having stage fright.
Thirty minutes later, we were in bed and had to read our lists to each other out loud. This was cathartic! We cried. I believe this practice has a healing potential.
4. Interview night
This opened me to look at my partner like somebody I want to host in a podcast. To ask different kinds of questions, rather than in our usual dynamic.
To hear about her ideal future. To listen to stories of her past. Our conversation created a perspective to think about what else there is to know. Where do I lack clarity about her?
If I start to think I know everything about her, that’s the first sign of a serious issue. She’s so deep to dig. She’s too mysterious to figure out even after we have known each other for seven years.
What did I find out? Our future together is pretty much the same. Only my Christmas seven years from now is at the beach and hers is together with our closest family.
Not bad at all.
5. Shower time
This was a trigger for me again. I couldn’t relax at the beginning. It felt strange. And the water was not at the right temperature. A glimpse of shame popped up while we were doing it. I resisted her soaping me. What am I, a boy? Soaping her felt much better. I think we will have to repeat this one for me to face and get over this shitty shame.
What’s next for us? 14 practices to go! We’re movin’ on.
I am looking forward to karaoke night, sex tape, and a silent walk. But I’m terrified of staying up all night and feeding each other.
My goal is to identify three practices which bring out the best in us and talk with Anita about how we can implement them into our future on a weekly basis.
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This post was originally published on medium.com, and is republished here with the author’s permission.
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Photo credit: Getty Images