What I Learned From Being Sexually Assaulted (as a Man)

In my book about men’s dating, one of the biggest chapters is about consent.

The focus is on how we men can ensure that women feel safe around us. I only mention in passing that I, too, have been on the receiving end of sexual assault. Since the chapter focused on preventing women from being victimized, I did not elaborate on my own experiences. However, I have come to realize that speaking about these details might help some men better understand and have compassion for women, which will ultimately help them connect with women. As a men’s dating coach, I would be remiss if I didn’t take this opportunity to help my audience in this way.

Before I tell these stories, I just want to say that there’s no need to offer your sympathies or say anything like, “I’m so sorry this happened to you.” I’ll explain why.

Names have been changed for anonymity.

The bar

I was bar-hopping with a couple of friends and we were considering a nearby bar for our next stop. I volunteered to go first to check and see if the vibes were alright. It was a bar I frequented and I knew almost all of the other regulars, including one named Beth.

I had a certain reputation in this venue. I would frequently bring dates there, and I also had casual encounters with some of the other patrons as well. As a polyamorous person, each person that had any sort of intimate experience with me knew what I was all about, but many people thought that my sexual attitudes and preferences were looser and more open than they actually were. Perhaps they mistakenly thought I was “easy” and had no standards.

Beth was also known to be very friendly with men, and she would sometimes try to flirt with me as well. I never flirted back because I was never interested in her. In hindsight, it seems that she did not understand this.

That night, when I popped in to check the vibes, I saw Beth and some other patrons dancing around very excitedly. As soon as they saw me walk in, she and some other patrons greeted me excitedly, pulling me into the dance floor along with them.

While I was being pulled in, Beth put her arm around me and pulled me toward her face. I did not use full physical force to resist, but I tried to pull away a tiny bit. This was not enough to overpower her pull, though it would have been enough compared to most women’s strength, so I felt confused for a moment. I could have overpowered her, but I found the situation a bit strange as Beth was somewhat bigger and stronger than most women. This tiny moment of confusion made me default to just going with the flow.

She pulled my face toward hers and kissed me on the lips while dancing along to the music, and this all happened within less than a minute of me walking into the venue. The only words exchanged were greetings.

I left and told my friends outside that we should go to a different bar.

The crisis

One night, I got a phone call.

“Kendra’s having a mental breakdown. She mentioned something about dying, so I got scared and called the police. We’re all at the police station now. Do you think you can come and act as her guardian overnight? The police won’t release her otherwise, and Donnie and I need to go home.”

I took a taxi and rushed over, agreed to watch over her, and we headed to Kendra’s place. The friend who called me went home with her boyfriend.

Kendra was experiencing a manic episode and rambling about a bunch of seemingly random stuff. I did my best to listen and connect the dots enough to have a somewhat coherent conversation. We talked for hours and I confirmed that she had no intention of hurting herself or anything worse. My sleepiness caught up with me after that.

She invited me to the bed to sleep, and I lied down to close my eyes. I had no intentions whatsoever of doing anything sexual with her. The very thought of it was abhorrent to me considering her condition at the time, but she inched closer and closer, trying to cuddle me. I said something to the effect of, “This doesn’t feel right. I’m just here to make sure nothing bad happens to you.”

“Just trust me,” she said, as she got on top of me, topless. I don’t remember everything she did to me as the stress of the entire situation probably made it hard for me to maintain all my memories accurately, but I didn’t reciprocate anything, and we didn’t have sex. I just remember being entirely uncomfortable with the whole ordeal. We eventually fell asleep.

I woke up to her rummaging through some of her belongings. She was still rambling some random nonsense to herself. Still tired and not entirely clearheaded from the night before, I headed home as she headed to work. Or so I thought.

She ended up not going to work. She wandered off somewhere else and no one was able to contact her that afternoon. She wasn’t answering any calls or messages.

Some people blamed me for her sudden disappearance, and one even implied that I might have taken advantage of her, even though I was a victim in this situation. By the end of the day, Kendra returned to her senses, got back on the grid, and apologized to everyone involved. Last I heard, she got on the right medication and is doing much better now.

The gay friend

Robert and I were both patrons of a bar and we had known each other for years. He knew I was straight, but he would often get flirty with me when he got drunk. “There’s no harm in that,” I thought, so I always just laughed it off and took it as a compliment.

I had some gay friends who would get somewhat flirty with me in subtle and more submissive ways, and I never took issue with that. Robert, however, would sometimes act more dominant and aggressive, which made me uncomfortable. I was never the type to really appreciate more dominant advances toward me, even from women. Many of my friends, both men and women, liked that sort of approach, but that’s not me.

Whenever Robert made those kinds of aggressive advances toward me, I moved further from him to indicate that I did not like it. Most times, this was enough. One time, it wasn’t.

He drunkenly took a step toward me after I took a step back, and he growled something suggestive in my ear that I don’t remember. He also grabbed my genitals at the same time. I just walked away.

I know that this was an outlier of a case, as all the rest of my many interactions with gay friends were nothing but respectful on both sides. This experience did not affect my attitudes or beliefs about the gay community in any negative way overall.

I don’t really feel like a traumatized victim.

All of these experiences taught me important lessons about consent first-hand, but it also gave me a more visceral awareness of my male privilege.

When I spoke to women about their experiences with sexual harassment and assault, many of them would express a lot of psychological distress. I never felt like I had that same amount of distress from my experiences. In my research about the topic, I learned that it’s not uncommon for men to feel what I feel. It’s because we men tend to maintain a stronger sense of agency, and it’s harder for us to feel like our agency had been taken away in these kinds of situations. It’s not always the case, but it seemed to be the case for me.

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EDIT: I am by no means trying to downplay the experiences of other men who might have felt differently than I did. There are men who experienced different things than I did, and their trauma and perspectives are valid.

That’s why I felt it unnecessary to report any of these incidences, and why I felt like I didn’t need any sympathy from anyone about it. However, in hindsight as I write this article, I suppose there is still a level of distress that remains in my subconscious. It wasn’t as easy to write this as it was my other articles.

It’s worth noting that it’s often harder for women to maintain the same level of agency and control in these kinds of situations. I never lost a full sense of control, probably because I never doubted my physical ability to take control if I felt it was really necessary. Turns out that my gender and gymming gave me something more useful than just aesthetically pleasing muscles. I believe this is an important takeaway for men to understand.

When it comes to making advances on others, it’s important that nothing comes up out of the blue. Good flirting or seduction involves building anticipation and resolving it with actions that can be expected and successfully rebuffed, not surprises that potentially rob someone of their choice or agency.