What I Wish I Understood About Relationships While I Was Still Single

Do you ever feel like your friends who are in a relationship/are married easily dismiss most of your dating issues as easily solvable?

I also think that about my single friends’ dating problems. I mean, finding someone is really difficult and requires a lot of luck, I would never argue with that — but some of my friends make choices that can only be described as…questionable.

And I can say this because I was single for 5 years prior to meeting my partner and I made all of those questionable choices too.

I think we make certain unwise choices while we date because your view of what a relationship is supposed to be is different looking from the outside in and looking from within.

So the following is a list of things I wish I could tell my past self as she spent 5 years of her life dating…which would have saved her from many many heartbreaks.

A relationship is not an end goal

If you’ve been single for a hot minute, getting into a relationship feels like you’re Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible — except he actually manages to get to the end of the movie.

Every new person you meet, every date you go on, and every excitement quickly followed by disappointment is a never-ending audition. If only you could meet that right person and then you will suddenly be transported to your last day on Earth fondly remembering your life in a series of flashbacks before dying peacefully in your sleep.

We expect relationships to be like a Disney movie where, once you meet the right person and get them to commit, it’s over — happily ever after. Sure, other things happen — you get married, you get kids, you spend holidays together, kids leave for college — but more or less, you overcame the greatest hurdle — finding them.

Well, I’m here to tell you that life goes on. And it continues to suck.

You may think you know relationships are difficult. Hell, you may even be fantasizing about getting into arguments with your partner before passionately making up or about the occasional quibbles that just remind you of how much you love them. Because if the relationship is right, all of that is easy.

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But it isn’t.

Instead of getting easier like in a Disney movie, it’s more like a game where you simply unlock a new level — for which you have very few skills.

Don’t get me wrong, a good partner brings value into your life. Certain things are definitely easier — for one, you don’t have to date anymore. And then also other things like love, support, attacking every problem as a team, or being able to pawn off your least favourite chore to the other.

But building a future together requires compromise, effort, and communication. No matter how well you picked your partner, their priorities won’t always align with yours. Both of you will have bad days, won’t respond correctly to each other needs, will understand that you haven’t fully resolved your past issues, and will have poor personality traits.

Additionally, other things in life are awfully difficult despite your partner — losing a job, death of someone close, burnout, health issues — and all of them affect your relationship. So not only do you need to cope with traumatic events you also need to ensure your relationship survives.

If I had understood — genuinely understood — what it meant that life goes on, I wouldn’t have been heartbroken over people who would have made my life a lot harder.

Your partner’s worst faults are more important than their best qualities…

Have you ever written down a list of qualities you wish your ideal partner would have? What was on that list? Was it height, weight, good looks, education, job, money, ambition, charm, sense of humour?

If you have, it’s because — like me — you didn’t understand that life goes on after you get into a relationship. The aforementioned is a list of qualities that only matter if you want to brag about your partner to other people because, trust me, other than a matching sense of humour, none of them matter when you have to live with them.

Instead, think about all the shit life will put you through and ask yourself: How is the person you are dating under stress? When things aren’t going their way? When you disagree with them? When they make a mistake? When you make a mistake?

Because when things are not all golden and rosy — which will inevitably happen — people show their worst selves and these are the selves you have to consciously decide if you can accept and live with.

Because someone can be intelligent, but if they get abusive when they are angry that is a RED flag. Someone can be tall and handsome, but if they can’t apologize that is a RED flag. Someone can be charming as hell, but if they need to control your every move, that is a RED flag.

Just because they have all the wonderful qualities you want that allow you to say to others ‘Look who chose me’ (in itself an issue — for another time), doesn’t mean you should stay with them if they have terrible faults. Faults trump qualities.

…unless their qualities are related to interpersonal communication

Faults trump qualities…almost always.

People aren’t perfect. In some way or another, everyone sucks. I suck. You suck. The person you are dating sucks. Your parents suck. Your third-grade teacher sucks. The Pope sucks too.

We can’t always react perfectly, we make mistakes, we choose the wrong option in this game called life and we hurt others. And your partner will hurt you (and you will them).

But what matters in those difficult moments (because life goes on and things get difficult — I hope I am drilling this into your brain) is how people react.

When looking for a partner, look for the rare but wonderful qualities related to interpersonal communication. Look for someone who is patient, resilient, able to calm themselves down, admit mistakes, and apologise. Someone who doesn’t have to win in a fight every single time. Someone who listens, takes criticism into account and tries to understand you.

And I am not talking about their potential to develop those qualities — they need to have them now…in this moment. Sure, they don’t need to have all of them — but they should have at least some of them. And you better have them too — otherwise maybe deal with that first.

And just so we are clear — if a guy is ghosting you, booty calling you, gaslighting you, claiming he’s just going with the flow…for 2 years — they don’t have those qualities. Stop projecting.

You can never fully heal on your own

I have an issue with today’s obsession with healing and working on yourself. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fantastic trait to want to progress and improve yourself. Ultimately, a better you can improve someone else’s life, and then they can do the same for someone else, and then we can get into a wonderful cycle of progress.

But the idea that you have to first resolve all your issues before you get into a relationship is a false narrative. Not false — impossible.

You cannot resolve your issues. An issue is not a box to check. Your trauma is not a to-do list.

Instead, I prefer to think of healing as habit formation, and habits are built in a certain context.

Think about it, let’s say you have an avoidant attachment style. Let’s say that when someone tries to get close, you pull back and that prevents you from forming deeper connections with others and finding a partner. And let’s say that this attachment style comes from your experiences in childhood. Textbook.

It can be very powerful to understand the root cause of your present behaviour. But unless you do something about it, nothing will change.

You have to consciously catch yourself in the moment where you want to pull back, recognize your triggers and then react differently to what your instincts are telling you.

And then you have to do it again and again and again until it becomes second nature. And thus, a habit is formed.

For most people, this means that they have resolved their issue. But they have only learned a new behavioural pattern in contexts they have experienced. In new contexts, especially under stress, they may revert back to their — in this case — avoidant attachment style.

So when you heal on your own (which can be very useful too), don’t expect that you will ever become a perfect individual. And that only then will you be ready for a relationship.

It is more likely that your issues will find a way to resurface in a new context — your new relationship.

So while healing on your own is useful, don’t let it stop you from giving someone a shot. Healing can be a fantastic excuse when you are actually afraid of getting hurt. Don’t worry, regardless of what you do, life will find a way to hurt you. So be brave.

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This post was prebiously published on medium.com.

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