What if I Am Not a Good Girlfriend?

Ever since I met my amazing boyfriend, I can’t shake the fear of him waking up one morning and deciding that I am not right for him. But, as far as I know, everything is going great, and we have the best time together. We get along great, even our fights are fair, and after a fight, we make sure no hard feelings remain. I am very much in love with him, and he loves me. All perfect, if only it weren’t for my anxiety.

The disappointments and scars of past love make me insecure.

The bottom line is that I want him to love my authentic self just as much as I love him for his quirks. And now, finally, that I have the guy who genuinely embraces who I am, I find my anxiety resurfacing.

What if he starts making snarky comments on my weight, goals in life, or passions? What if he stops talking to me and slowly back out of the relationship as it has happened to me before? And lastly, what if he stops loving me? Although I know that I have the best partner possible and that none of my fears will happen, anxiety isn’t rational.

I did what I do best to ease my nerves a bit despite knowing that my anxiety is rooted in past sorrows. First, research. I wanted to find out what common elements constitute a healthy relationship and what couples can do to make their bond stronger. And to be honest, I wanted to find out if I am the best possible partner I can be. So here’s what I came up with.

Relationship anxiety is very real and well.

Most articles that look into relationship anxiety cover the anxiety we experience shortly before we’re ready to commit to a serious relationship. However, the moment we want to figure out if the person of interest is also interested in us, the anxiety vanishes once the question has been answered and the relationship starts to blossom.

Or does it? Falling in love challenges us in many ways we don’t expect. The more we value someone else, the more we stand to lose — the possibility of getting hurt is more and more a real option. And this can lead to a fear of intimacy. Sometimes, when we are getting what we want, experiencing love as we never have, or are being treated in unfamiliar ways, our fear threatens to surface.

Meaning, unfortunately, that it’s actually quite common to have anxiety in a relationship. It can be that you’re wondering if you still matter to your partner the way you used to. This is the case when you’re not sure whether your partner misses you when you’re not around. Or, maybe you doubt your partner’s feelings for you. When a partner suddenly seems to act differently, distant, or a little off, we often tend to assume the worst.

Other anxieties stem from the fear of our partner suddenly calling it quits or wondering whether the relationship will be stable in the future. We can’t seem to shake the fearful thoughts that maybe, somehow, something isn’t right. For me, my insecurities and anxiety derived from a completely different place, one that many can relate to. In one way or the other, my past relationships have sabotaged how I feel about myself in a relationship.

My toxic ex-boyfriend was very controlling and would be very dismissive of me, my feelings, and how I wanted to live my life. It felt like he was so unhappy with how his life was going that he started to push his unhappiness on me. By the end of the relationship, I had to rebuild my life, my authentic self, and how I wanted to live moving forward.

After the breakup, I realized how much impact this dysfunctional relationship had on how I was acting. This constant anxiety of not being good enough made me less talkative, quieter, and sad — I was very sad for a long time. Finally, I didn’t want to deal with his anger and sorrow anymore. I simply had enough. And one day, I walked out of his life and started to rebuild my life, and it has proven to be the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.

Fast-forward, and I am with a fantastic guy who’s understanding, funny, great, intelligent, and very caring. All should be great in paradise. However, thanks to the idiots who have been careless with my heart, it’s not that simple.

Anxiety is the opposite of acceptance.

We all know that anxiety harms how we feel and see the world; a big step in recovering from anxiety, at least for me, was first acknowledging that I had been treated poorly and that it impacted who I am today. Secondly, I started to see a therapist to talk through my anxiety and how I could continue with my life without having this huge grey cloud over my head.

I can’t control how people behave — I can control how I want to be impacted by that behavior. And therefore, instead of my anxiety holding me back from taking action, I decided to openly talk about my fears with people I trust.

According to my research, building trust within the relationship reduces the power of anxiety. By understanding how anxiety impacts my relationships, I started to work on positive change within the different relationship dynamics. This is true for my friendships, family ties, and romantic relationships. However, you need to have a foundation of trust, commitment, and understanding for relationships to work. All of which are key elements of a healthy relationship.

I don’t want my past to overshadow my future.

The question of how stable, happy, or healthy a relationship is is impossible for outsiders to answer. I am aware that my relationship is very different from any other couple’s relationship.

With that said, there are some common elements that I believe do need to be present for a relationship to be healthy and loving in the long run. Elements such as mutual respect for each other, where both partners acknowledge and respect the other person and their boundaries, honesty, trust, and understanding.

Neither partner should compromise on their identity, values, or those based on a partner’s expectations and values. This also includes that both partners meet with their respective friends and pursue hobbies individually, and have the chance and freedom to meet new people and start new hobbies. This only works if both partners are honest, open communication, and neither partner wants to impose control on the other person.

After dealing with all these different possibilities and fears, I realize one thing above all. It’s not about being the perfect girlfriend but about being open and honest with your fears and boundaries. This is also why the first person to ever read this blog post is my boyfriend. I want him to know why I sometimes might come across as being indifferent or absent.

Deep down, I know that he understands and cherishes me for who I am. To me, the key is that our partners understand that it’s not about them. And lastly, I don’t want my past to hold power over my future.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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