“I want you to want me.
I need you to need me”
Cheap Trick, I Want You to Want Me
Men are socialized to equate masculinity with self-confidence, to put up a good front and always present as self-assured, even when they are not; “never let them see you sweat.” Men are trained to think of life as a zero-sum game, with winners and losers, so they attack any indication of a fear of inadequacy in another man as a sign of a weakness that can be exploited. As a result, men’s fears of being inadequate go underground, hidden from themselves, and from other men.
It’s not surprising then that heterosexual men’s fears of inadequacy show up most clearly in the intimate setting of the bedroom with women. Fears of erectile dysfunction are just the tip of the iceberg. Men’s fears of inadequacy run all the way to the depths of questions such as whether he really is a man, or can ever be loved by a woman.
Stereotypically, men are thought to be self-centered and compartmentalized lovers, more interested in the physical act of sex and their own pleasure than in an intimate connection with a partner. The extreme of this attitude is represented by a man who described his experience of sex as “masturbation with a woman in the general area.” Men are also socialized to equate masculinity with a sexual desire so strong as to be indiscriminate, i.e. that a real man is eager for sex anytime, anywhere, with anyone.
There is actually significant research that supports these stereotypes. Neuroscientists Ogas and Gaddam (2011) studied the internet porn viewing habits of millions of men around the world and came to the disturbing conclusion that “men’s brains are designed to objectify females.” Men’s sexuality as revealed by their uncensored internet viewing preferences does tend to be compartmentalized, and what the authors call a “solitary affair” that can exist outside of the context of a relationship.
“If you really need me,
Just reach out and touch me.
Come on honey, tell me so.”
Rod Stewart, Da Ya Think I’m Sexy
What is intriguing about this research is that what turned men on the most was depictions of intense sexual pleasure in women. This confirms other surveys of men who said that pleasuring their partner was more important to them than their own pleasure. How can men be both self-centered lovers interested only in their own pleasure, and be more focused on their partner’s pleasure than their own? The paradox is readily resolved when we understand that men’s focus on their partners’ pleasure is only partially an act of generosity, and primarily an effort to stave off their own feelings of insecurity.
There is an old saying that women need to feel loved to want to have sex, and that men need to have sex to feel loved. Approaching a woman openly with your sexual desires is an inherently vulnerable act for men that often stirs up deep seated fears of inadequacy. Women are often surprised at the strength of their husband/partner’s emotional response when turned down for sex, mistakenly attributing those reactions to misguided notions about the strength of men’s libido.
Similarly, women often misunderstand men’s request that they initiate sex more often as a simple request for more sex. When women are more open about their own sexual desires it frees men from the insecurity they often feel about being rejected, or more profoundly, from feeling not desirable or even not lovable. Men often feel like they are putting their entire sense of worth and self-acceptance on the line when they approach their partners sexually. Intercourse for men is a literal return to the insides of a woman’s body, the place from whence they came, so it is a powerfully regressive experience, the ultimate reassurance of their acceptance and symbolically a powerful test of their self-worth.
Women’s orgasms are equally important to men for similar reasons. Men report feeling more masculine when their partner has an orgasm. The more insecure a man feels about his masculinity, the more important it is to him that his partner have an orgasm. Women understand this and so have been known to fake orgasms to reassure their partners. One woman said “if he doesn’t think I had an orgasm, he won’t give up, just keeps at me until I feel pressured.”
It’s clear that this kind of pressure is about more than generosity on the man’s part. It is also a reflection of men’s need to prove themselves to be adequate, worthy of being loved, and to forestall their fears of being abandoned.
As you would expect, men’s fears of sexual inadequacy have a powerful effect on their relationships with their wives/partners. These fears may show up as inhibited sexual desire in men. In one study, 15% of men in long-term partnerships reported they had lost almost all interest in sex for a period of three months or longer in the past year. This is not about aging, because the highest rate was in men aged 35-44.
Men’s fears of being sexually inadequate also effect their relationships in more subtle ways. Noted sex therapist Esther Perel says that men’s reliance on sex to reassure themselves about their larger sense of adequacy leads them to be so other-centered in sex that they are afraid that if they truly inhabit their bodies and surrender to the experience of their own pleasure for just a moment, that their partner will be hurt or angry, and will punish or even abandon them. As a result, women often complain that their partners are too tentative, that they approach them as if asking permission rather than expressing their desire.
Perel describes this as “a way of approaching . . . that doesn’t say ‘I want you’ as much as ‘Do you want me?’” Men are being careful, which is what they think they are supposed to do, but taken to extremes, this can be a turn off for women, more like a little boy asking for permission than a man expressing his desire for them.
The less aware of these fears men are, and the less the couple is able to talk about them, the greater the impact. The first step in helping couples is for both of them to develop a deeper understanding of the fears of inadequacy that men often struggle with, and finding ways to talk about them.
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