Sometimes the only available transportation is a leap of faith. ~ Margaret Sheppard
I think one of the hardest points on the healing journey is when we realize our partner, boss, or family member is toxic and not likely to change. Standing in that awareness, we face the dissolution of so much of what we have come to believe about our lives and the future. The path we thought we were on turns out to now be a dead end (or even leading off of a cliff).
But where, we ask ourselves, is the new path? What is the right way forward? Sometimes targets of narcissistic abuse become paralyzed at this point, knowing that continuing on as it has been is not healthy, but very unsure as to what the option is.
It’s natural and human to want the path to become clear ahead of us before we make a move. But I am reminded of a story the teacher and writer Parker Palmer tells about feeling lost. He asked an older Quaker woman in his community how to know what his “way” is. (Way is a term used in Quakerism for direction and purpose.) He complained that his “way” was not showing itself to him. She wisely replied that in all her years she had never seen her “way” open before her. Rather, she said, it had only ever closed behind her.
I think this is very similar to how we tend to feel when we face needing to end things with a narcissist and move on. It’s often not clear where to go. But we have to recognize that the doors are closed behind us and must have the courage to move from there, even if it’s not currently clear where exactly we are going.
I’ve personally been in this place more than a few times in my life, and have coached many clients here as well. It can show up not only when we are facing leaving a toxic situation, but at other needed transitions in our lives. I find it frustrating, confusing, and sometimes really scary.
But I have also learned that if I move into the mist, open a closed door, take any path I can find, the way will show itself. In my own case, moving out of the home we owned into a rental while I sorted out legalities was important. I didn’t want to do it, I couldn’t see how it made sense, and I felt it was even a little irresponsible financially. But it was the only thing in front of me I could see to do, so I did it.
And you know what? By being away from him and going very low contact, my nervous system settled and I got my strength, courage and clarity back. The place I moved to was not the final answer, but it was an important part of my journey, and the money I spent was a huge and critical investment in myself. I even got the referral to my lawyer from my landlord.
So when you know you need to move on, but the way forward isn’t clear and you can’t map out the next 5-10-20 years of your life, don’t worry too much about it. Move. Sometimes, as Margaret Sheppard so rightly says, the only available transportation is a leap of faith.
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Previously Published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
