Attractiveness is relative. But to look at the choices a woman makes with her body and assign a tangible value to her worth and sexuality is appalling and concerning.
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I was walking my son to the park a few blocks from our apartment; him, asleep in his stroller and me, attempting to stay cool on a particularly humid day. Wearing a newly-purchased sundress and drinking water with a tenacity I imagine a camel would appreciate, I enjoyed my somewhat-solo stroll past modest homes and convenience stores and beautifully green patches of grass.
Next to the playground is a skate park. Mostly young men, attempting tricks that make my mom-marrow curdle, spending their time talking and smoking and skating with reckless abandon. In order to reach the vacant swings that put a particularly adorable smile on my son’s face, I have to walk past the skaters and the area they’ve clearly, and rightfully, claimed their own.
While on said walk, I heard three young men —probably in their late teens, early twenties —comment on my appearance. As a woman, the fact that complete strangers decided to criticize me physically was hardly a shock or surprise. It was the caveat they insisted on attaching to my presence that got my attention.
She’s hot, for a mom.
The sexualization of women, to me, is fascinating. Culture demands that women present themselves in a certain way, always displaying an allure of sex and desire and wanting, without ever actually having sex, particular desires, or consuming wants. A woman must put forth a conscious effort to appear attractive but loses her allure if she admits she has put forth said effort to appear attractive. She must enjoy sex, but only with you and only when you decide it is appropriate for her to do so.
And while the aforementioned had occurred to me much, much earlier than that humid afternoon, the depth at which our culture abhors women, their bodies, and the choices they make with said bodies, felt overwhelmingly apparent in that moment. A group of young men, arguably future husbands and fathers, had a preconceived notion of a woman’s worth that relied solely on the choices she made with her physical being.
To some, I am beautiful. To others, forgettable. I have no problem with a wide range of reactions expressed by a wide range of individuals, all unique in their preferences. One’s standard of beauty may be different from my own, or anyone else’s, and that’s what diversity and preference and beauty is all about.
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Because I decided to have a child, I somehow lost a certain sexual allure. I was no longer mysterious or available. My body had undergone a well-known, well-documented, and probably still-visible change, perpetuating the misogynistic concept that sex — or the consequences of it — had ruined me. I am tainted, used, less than; a shadow of what I could have been, had I decided to forgo the responsibility of motherhood.
On the opposite side of that coin is the belief that a woman is broken or ruined if she cannot and/or does not want to have children. Her body doesn’t do what it is made to do, so she has lost her purpose. And if she doesn’t want to use her body to house another life, she’s labeled selfish. Sweeping generalizations are painted over her personality, all because she isn’t using her body to follow a predetermined societal standard. What is she, if not an incubator for the coming generation?
We treat women as if the decisions they make are either in direct conflict or thoughtless adherence to a mindless, physical entity that society is constantly shaping, judging, and exploiting. A vast majority of men can’t seem to handle or appreciate said entity, so it’s automatically assumed that the very people who inhabit it — women —are incapable as well.
Whether I am attractive is relative. To some, I am beautiful. To others, forgettable. I have no problem with a wide range of reactions expressed by a wide range of individuals, all unique in their preferences. One’s standard of beauty may be different from my own, or anyone else’s, and that’s what diversity and preference and beauty is all about. I have no problem with someone looking at me and deciding I am less than appealing.
But to look at the choices a woman makes with her body and assign a tangible value to her worth and sexuality, is as appalling as it is concerning. To determine a woman’s worth based on the decisions she makes with her body is to deny her basic humanity.
It’s telling an entire population that they are nothing but skin and bones and veins. They are organs and bodily functions; a glorified flesh-robot that is empty and programed with certain necessities that assist in her achieving mass, simplistic identification.
It’s assigning value to a vessel, while consciously ignoring the being that steers said vessel. Admiring a ship as it passes while simultaneously pretending it steers itself. It’s both ignorant and ludicrous.
Preference and worth are not the same, which is to say a woman’s worth is not dictated by someone else’s preference. Perhaps you find parenthood unattractive. That doesn’t mean a woman who happens to be a parent — and has used her body to do so —is automatically desexualized. Or, maybe you find perpetual singledom depressing. Okay, but that doesn’t make the single, childless woman less passionate, meaningful, or fulfilled.
Of course, I didn’t stop and say any of this to those three young men. Perhaps I should have. Half of me believes it isn’t my job to educate the ignorant male masses, while the other half believes a single moment of clarity is worth exploring.
In the end, I ignored them and made my way to the swings. I wanted to see that particularly adorable smile my son wears when the wind hits his face.
And in that moment, I smiled too. I knew I was raising a man who would know better.
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This article originally appeared on Medium for Human Parts. Follow Human Parts on Facebook and Twitter.
Photo credit: Getty Images
The fact that she actually cared about what some teenagers said says more about her. Like an inflated ego and/or insecurity. If people stopped caring so much about what others said we would all be a lot better off.
You’re right Wes. It does say something about her. It says that she thinks about the socialogly of a culture that has problematic viewpoints about certain groups of people needs to be addressed. Just like you wish for the problematic viewpoints around men to be addressed and often suggest books people should read to consider the struggles men have based on how other people view them. It says she thinks about how young people socially interact with and see the world around them. It says that she cares about what young men think about the world around them and how… Read more »
Amen! Eloquently stated. Recently I went to the movies to see Spy (totally excellent movie btw) but there was a preview of another movie (can’t recall it’s title right now). In the scene, three young boys (roughly 13 years old) discuss and judge the hotness of one of the boy’s mothers when she comes to pick him up from school. Making comments about her hotness, one boy says he would bang her. This is a common trope in movies that I think most people can recognize. Could you imagine a movie where 13 year old young girls sit around talking… Read more »
OR- it could have been a bunch of young guys who found you attractive and were more used to finding women/girls closer to their own age / position in life.
Do you do a similar analysis when a teen girl finds one of her friend’s dads to be “hot”?
While males and females have a lot of similarities, we also have a lot of differences. Young teen girls are growing up in a culture where they are told they are the ones that must maximize their sex appeal by being the ones that look good. Most material is centered around making females tools to men’s masturbation and fantasies. While there is an increase in messages about how males should look, and we see more males concerned with the way they look, it is still a heavy burden placed on all females. I was listening to a friend talk about… Read more »
But they didn’t discuss her value. They discussed the fact they found her attractive. Everything else you and the author have written involves an incredible amount of assumptions about the boys.
Occam’s razor applies.
and, as a former swim coach I can for damn sure tell you that teenage girls discuss the “hotness” of adult men based on the same criteria these “oh-so-horrid” boys did.
It makes for a pretty uncomfortable situation.
No one said boys where horrid. We are simply trying to find ways to give boys (and girls) better tools in how to treat each other. But doing that requires us to be able to talk about difficult issues without assuming we are saying one gender is “awful”.
And I do recongnize that those situations with teen girls can happen. Which is why I said:
“And again yes, If teen girls where sitting around judging the worth of a friend’s dad by his hottness, then yes, it would also deserve a similiar conversation and analysis.”
Please be more specific to help me understand. What comments did I and the author make that shows assumptions about the boys?
I think it’s a ltitle strange to try and deny that males don’t infact attach values to females based on looks. I’ve experienced it first hand many times and seen it first hand many times.