Until a couple of years ago, I didn’t think much about ethical non-monogamy (ENM). I’d seen some promos for Netflix shows and read some articles about throuples, but that was the extent of my knowledge — and interest.
But after spending time with friends from diverse cultural backgrounds who are exploring non-traditional relationships, I’ve gained a deeper understanding of why ethical non-monogamy is an attractive option for them.
Before I share some of these insights, I’ve compiled a few terms to help you navigate this world.
Please note that I’m not an expert on this topic, rather a curious, monogamous person that’s fascinated by human behaviour and the different ways we can explore our world through human connection.
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Ethical non-monogamy
This is the umbrella term for any relationship that isn’t monogamous. The word ethical is important here since “non-monogamous” may also refer to someone that is cheating and lying about it.
Open relationship
Here, there is usually a primary relationship that comes first. People often seek external, strictly sexual, relationships with others. While each couple has its rules, for those not looking for another relationship, the general rule seems to be: “don’t fall in love”. A factor that can’t always be controlled.
Polyamory
This refers to people having romantic, intimate and possibly (or possibly not), sexual relationships with more than one person. Polyamorous people may have more than one primary partner.
Within this, there are some other terms, such as solo polyamory. People identifying as solo poly do not have a live-in partner, but do date or have relationships with multiple people.
There is also the term hierarchical polyamory which considers one partner first, with different hierarchies applied to other relationships. Inversely, relationship anarchists don’t apply hierarchical principles.
Polyfidelity
This may include a triad or quad of people all in an equal, committed relationship. This may also be referred to as a polycule.
Swinging
This is a broad category and usually involves couples swinging with other couples at clubs, parties or by going on dates (private swinging). They are usually not having sex with others on their own as it’s considered a shared activity by the couple.
Monogamish
I recently came across this term — which, as the “ish” suggests, is more of a guideline for couples that are mostly monogamous. Couples that explore this approach may negotiate some occasional hanky panky with other people. Of course, this is all done above board and with the consent of both partners.
This is by no means an exhaustive overview and there are many different categories and terms if you care to delve deeper. Frequently recommended books are The Ethical Slut and More than Two.
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The rise of ethical non-monogamy
Fact check
In a 2020 YouGov poll surveying 1,300 adults, one-third of the respondents said that their ideal relationship was “non-monogamous to some degree”. 43% of millennials said that their ideal relationship would be non-monogamous and the same percentage (43%) said that monogamous was their preferred relationship.
In another Canadian study of around 2,000 adults, one in five people said that they had been in a consensually non-monogamous relationship. This replicated similar results from a previous study in the United States.
Love is all around
My introduction to the world of polyamory came through a chance meeting at a shamanic yoga session (yes, I’m that kind of person).
I shared the class with a woman who was wearing some outstanding yoga leggings. After the class, while drinking our shots of orange, ginger and cayenne pepper-infused juices, I high-fived myself (I’m also that kind of person too).
She laughed. And it was then that I knew we must become friends. It turns out that she also agreed.
During one of our get-togethers, it transpired that she was exploring polyamory.
I was fascinated. But I also had so many questions about its practical application. Like, how does it work? Don’t you get jealous? How many people can you date at the same time? What do you tell family or friends?
Through my new friend, I met more people exploring this lifestyle choice. Then I started noticing it almost everywhere — this is the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, sometimes referred to as the frequency illusion.
The Poly People
I clicked with people in this community because they were open-minded, non-judgemental, intelligent, respectful, interesting and inclusive.
On the surface, you certainly wouldn’t realise this was their “thing”.
Through my curiosity and non-judgement, I became a poly-ally.
One of my first observations was that to navigate this lifestyle successfully, you must be prepared to work — on yourself, your communication, your emotional regulation and on owning your s**t. What a radical idea.
Consent culture
One of the things that attracted me to go deeper was the awareness and discussion around consent — in all its forms.
At its essence, consent is about boundaries. It’s about checking in with what feels OK for you and knowing how to communicate that.
Society still has a long way to go when it comes to education around coercion and consent. Exploring this topic here also helped me to improve my own boundaries.
Life is not a script
The people I’ve met are less caught up in the script of what life “should” look like. I celebrate that. After all, if you’re choosing ENM, you’ve already thrown some of that script out the window.
Breaking down programming as to why things need to be a certain way can be a challenge. By choosing to live differently, many people don’t always want to reveal their choices for fear of being rejected — especially by family.
But a community often becomes like a family, or tribe, due to the shared values. And while some people have told their families and friends about their lifestyle choices, others haven’t — and may never do so.
Impulsive, avoidant pleasure seekers?
Now, perhaps some of you are wondering if it’s all just love and happy, polyamorous cuddle puddles, right?
My take is that there are some people who may be attracted to the poly lifestyle because they’re emotionally avoidant. Or perhaps they’re sex addicts looking to have their fill of cake — and now they have a convenient lifestyle that works for them.
While this can exist, and yes, some people do struggle with secure attachment styles, I would argue that the same is absolutely true for people in monogamous relationships.
Clear communication
One of the biggest takeaways from my time in Polyland is the amount of clear, honest communication that’s required to manage multiple relationships successfully.
Heck, having one successful relationship is something to celebrate. So then double that, add a few dates, plus a job, friends and other commitments… I feel tired just writing this.
Communication is like breathing. We need it to survive, but many of us don’t know how to do it well. Because it is not something we’ve really learned.
Know thyself
It’s fair to say that if you are going to be poly and stay sane, then aside from creating good boundaries and communicating better, it’s time to learn about feeling your feelings and cultivating empathy for others.
We are all here doing the best we can. So if you can learn how to identify and name your feelings, then emotionally regulate yourself when emotions arise, you are already streaks ahead.
One approach that many people swear by is Nonviolent Communication. It’s a great resource for anyone that wants to communicate with their partner in a healthier way. This isn’t just for intimate relationships either, it can be applied to business relationships too.
Instagram accounts by The Secure Relationship and The Holistic Psychologist also provide some very helpful tools.
Jealousy and compersion
When it comes to jealousy, this can be tricky. Especially when your partner goes on dates or stays with another partner for a period of time.
One friend employs clear communication tactics, with agreements to check in at certain times — but it may not always stifle the pang inside.
This always comes back to why you are choosing this lifestyle in the first place. Usually, because both of you want to experience more freedom and happiness in your relationships.
In polyamory, there is a specific word for feeling good about your partner experiencing pleasure with another.
And that word is compersion.
According to the website whatiscompersion: Compersion is our wholehearted participation in the happiness of others. It is the sympathetic joy we feel for somebody else, even when their positive experience does not involve or benefit us directly. Thus, compersion can be thought of as the opposite of jealousy and possessiveness.
So get that one into your vocabulary quick smart.
Devil in the details
So you’ve upped your communication skills, you’re learning about emotional regulation and you’re doing the work to understand why you are behaving (or wanting to behave) in a certain way when triggered.
That’s great! But there’s more. It comes back to the first area I spoke about with regards to consent — or boundaries to be more specific.
Each relationship will have an established set of rules, which may evolve over time. And it’s up to you to keep working on those and communicating your needs.
Some couples employ a “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” policy, some prefer more information, while others yet may want to know all the details. It depends.
Sometimes lines do get blurred — or crossed — and people behave unethically, but if you are committed to making this lifestyle work then you don’t just swipe left on your current relationship without making an effort to resolve misunderstandings.
I would like to think that this is true for everyone, but the online dating culture has made me shockingly aware of just how tenuous many relationships are, and the effort people are willing to put in when they hit a rocky patch.
Your partner isn’t your world
Another key takeaway from the polyamorous lifestyle is that each relationship provides something different. And that’s one of the main reasons people choose it.
You’re not supposed to have all your needs met by just one person. In fact, it’s important to learn not only what your needs are, but also how to meet those yourself as well.
This is a relationship ‘ideal’ that I see in the monogamous world too often — thinking that your partner must check all the boxes.
Not so in Polyland. That’s what friends and other relationships are for too! You can live your life with an array of different people and do it above board, without jealousy and all the bs that can arise.
While it’s important to have shared values or life goals, sometimes these things aren’t always entirely compatible. Because we are all so different. Of course, if your partner is perfect for you then congratulations!
For the monogamous among us, I hope this has given you something to ponder, whether you choose to explore a different way of relating or not.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Helena Lopes on Unsplash