What No Contact Does to an Avoidant

As someone who grew up with my grandparents and was the first child in the family, I received a lot of love and attention from them. I never really felt the need to seek validation or attention from other people.

In fact, I was often labeled as the least problematic or the most self-regulated compared to my cousins. My father was busy with his business, and my mother spent most of her time taking care of my sick sibling, so I barely got much of their attention. But strangely, I never really felt like I missed it.

Was that an early sign that I was avoidant? Honestly, I don’t know.

I thought that’s just how it was for everyone.

My relationships were great at first. I had a loving and caring partner, but eventually things started falling apart. Was it them? Was it me? I still don’t really have an answer.

But one thing I can tell you is what no contact feels like to me as someone who’s become quick to cut people off and move on.

I don’t miss people, not because they don’t matter, but because, subconsciously, I’ve always believed that no one is permanent.

Even then, it can still be painful.

Being avoidant doesn’t switch off your emotions. You can still feel abandoned. It’s kind of ironic, especially when you’re the one doing the leaving.

For an avoidant, the moment a relationship ends, it can actually feel freeing. You no longer have to worry about being tied down or carrying the pressure of building a future with someone.

But after some time, that feeling fades.

A wave of sadness starts to creep in.

I’m lonely.

What if I end up alone forever?

That’s when many avoidants find themselves going back to the relationship, and the same unhealthy cycle starts all over again. They reconnect, get hurt, pull away, and repeat.

Does that mean avoidants don’t deserve relationships?

If I’m being honest, a part of me used to think yes. Funny thing to say when I’m one of them.

But what I actually believe is that we owe it to ourselves — and to the people we love — to heal as much as we can before becoming a major part of someone else’s life.

Is it easy? Of course not.

But accepting our shortcomings and choosing to work on them is always a good place to start.

After all, neither you nor your partner deserves an unhealthy relationship or the pain of never feeling truly loved by the person who’s supposed to love you the most.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.