As men, we were all sold the same lie about what would make us happy when we grew up. We were told we just needed to be financially successful, marry a perfect 10, have children who made us proud, look like a bodybuilder, and act “masculine.” This is what society told us would bring the most happiness.
The only problem is—this formula doesn’t actually work.
This myth of male happiness created a tremendous amount of pressure within me to hit society’s goals for men. It nearly cost me my soul, and I see it slowly killing men every day.
The good news is that we can wake up from the chase for society’s myths of male happiness, and instead, build a life of authentic joy.
What Society Says Should Make Men Happy… But Doesn’t
Myth #1: Be Rich and You’ll Be Happy
As men, we see ourselves as providers. We’re taught that the more we provide, the better men we become. We think that increased financial success will lead to increased happiness. This myth becomes even more powerful because it’s partially true… up to a point.
Increases in income do provide greater happiness when we go from being completely broke to being able to afford a home and a vacation. Science now shows that happiness increases with income up to a household income of about $120,000 per year. However, beyond that, additional income no longer raises happiness levels.
No matter how many sports cars you own, you can only drive one at a time. No matter how many vacation homes you have, you can only sleep in one bed at a time. Your happiness is not based on accumulating more wealth, it comes from finding happiness right where you are.
The truth is that an intense focus on the pursuit of wealth at all costs creates a tremendous amount of pressure and stress. It leaves us burned out and tired, often with strained relationships with the people who matter most.
We will find greater happiness by shifting our focus from a purely financial goal to also expanding ourselves in other facets of life that add value to us. We want to grow emotionally, spiritually, relationally, physically, and find hobbies we enjoy. This well-rounded growth will bring much more joy than financial growth alone ever could.
Myth #2: Marry a Perfect 10 and You’ll Be Happy
We’re told that marrying a trophy wife will prove our worth as a man. That the wife we currently have could maybe, someday, be traded in for a newer model. And that somehow, this would bring us happiness.
The truth is that happiness comes from love. The more authentic love we have in our lives, the happier we become. Love is an inside game. It starts by learning that we are someone worthy of our own self-love and compassion.
From this place of authenticity, we can fully love and appreciate another—someone who is also flawed, just like us, but still worthy of our unwavering love and support. Our happiness always comes in direct proportion to the amount of open, loving connection we have with ourselves and those around us.
Myth #3: Raise Impressive Kids and You’ll Be Happy
Many of us believe that our children’s accomplishments define our success as fathers. This creates a tremendous amount of pressure—not just on us, but on our kids.
We may think we’re helping them by celebrating the game-winning goal or the perfect report card. We believe it will help them succeed and, in turn, lead them to a happy life. But if we’re not careful, we unintentionally teach them that their worth is tied to their performance.
When that happens, they believe they are only lovable when they’re winning—and less lovable when they’re not.
This pressure doesn’t make them happy, and it doesn’t make us happy either. The greatest happiness comes when we love our children exactly as they are and celebrate their effort regardless of their outcomes. When we learn to do this for our children, it can also help us to love ourselves no matter our successes or failures. Happiness that is not contingent on external success is what lasting happiness is all about.
Myth #4: Look Like a Bodybuilder and You’ll Be Happy
We’re taught that big muscles define our value as men. That we can only feel happy once we’ve sculpted the perfect physique.
This creates deep body shame as we ruthlessly judge our appearance in the mirror.
In The How of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky found that people with “perfect” bodies were no happier than those with “normal” ones. Even after major cosmetic surgery or complete body transformations, people’s happiness levels quickly returned to their previous baseline.
The truth is this: tying your happiness to an external metric like your body will always leave your happiness vulnerable. Your body will change. It will get sick. It will age. It will die. If you base your joy on your body, you will live with fear and anxiety of the inevitable change and eventual death.
Happiness can be found even by those whose bodies have become weak and who are on their death beds. This is because true happiness is not skin deep. It comes from loving life, finding gratitude for what you do have, and from understanding that we only get a short time on Earth. When we contemplate that we will die soon, we can appreciate how special each day we get to live truly is.
Myth #5: Be Masculine and You’ll Be Happy
We’re taught that real men should always be strong, never cry, and push down weak emotions like sadness and fear.
I can relate. After my father told me “men don’t cry,” I didn’t shed a tear—for 30 years.
But here’s the truth: when we wall off our hearts so that the tears can’t get out, we also wall off our ability to let love in. The wall works both ways.
To truly connect with others—and connection does create happiness—we must tear down that wall. We must allow ourselves to be vulnerable and to feel the full range of human emotions, including sadness and fear.
In my book Good Mood Revolution: Igniting the Power of Conscious Happiness, I teach that there are only eight negative emotions: shame, guilt, hopelessness, sadness, fear, desire, anger, and pride.
Our job as men who want real happiness isn’t to block these emotions. It’s to allow them to flow through us so we can heal them. It is only by experiencing all of our emotions, even the vulnerable ones, that we can also allow ourselves to fully experience joy.
The Real Path To Male Happiness
If you feel like happiness is always one achievement away—there is nothing wrong with you. You’re just playing the wrong happiness game, one that no one can win.
Society gave men a formula for happiness that was never built to work. But you can opt out. You can stop chasing the life you were told to want and start building the one your authentic self is asking for.
Real happiness doesn’t come from masculine performance. It comes from focusing on growing ourselves in more ways than just our finances, from learning to love ourselves and others fully, flaws and all. From celebrating our children and ourselves, should we win or lose. From knowing that we will die one day, and understanding that each day we get to live is a precious gift to be cherished. And it comes from being courageous enough to feel everything, the vulnerable feelings along with the joyful ones.
The life that actually makes you happy is not what society ever told you would do the trick. It was always already inside you. You just need to give it permission to be lived.
About Matt O’Neill
Matt O’Neill is the author of Good Mood Revolution: Igniting The Power Of Conscious Happiness and host of the Good Mood Revolution podcast, on which he engages with influential thought leaders to offer insights to enhance everyday happiness. As the founder and CEO of Matt O’Neill Real Estate, his leadership has spurred significant success, with over $3 billion in real estate sold. O’Neill credits the virtues implemented in his company, and the employees’ resulting happiness, as a key reason it was named the number one company to work for in South Carolina by Charleston Business magazine. It is also listed among the Inc. 5000 fastest-growing companies in the nation.
—
This Post is republished on Medium.
—
Photo credit: iStock
