A woman at a volunteer event met someone she liked and the two of them happened to be doing the same job at the same time.
She was full of joy and prepared a lot of words to in advance so she could talk with him. But whenever she mustered up the courage to communicate with him, she became very nervous, her legs seemed to be sealed, frozen in place, and she couldn’t move her legs.
In this way, such a great opportunity was wasted, and she didn’t say the first half of a word to that man all morning.
After returning home, she was very regretful and felt that she was simply cowardly and couldn’t have been more cowardly.
Many people may have had this experience. When you see the person you are interested in, you can’t help but keep glancing at them — but then you can’t take the next step.
It’s obvious that you really want to know this person very much in your heart, and you want to see if there is a chance there is a real connection. But you miss that opportunity because you just don’t dare to go forward. Your mind is very active, but your body is not obedient.
You may miss out on love again and again because of fear.
Why is this so? What makes you so nervous when you meet someone you like? The reasons can be roughly divided into two types:
01 Subjective reasons
The so-called subjective reasons are the reasons inherent in yourself.
First, because of your own emotions.
You are afraid of being imperfect in front of the other person, and you are afraid that you will not be able to leave a good impression. This kind of emotion may cause you to be nervous or even fearful when you see a person you are attracted to.
Secondly, there may be another reason–especially for those who are shy, or don’t get out much, or are simply not used to socializing with a lot of people.
When you are accustomed to being alone, rarely participate in some social occasions, and rarely deal with unfamiliar people, then you may come across as a little hesitant and unnatural in this regard. In fact, you may think you are coming across more awkwardly than you really are.
The social barriers brought about by “social fear” also affect your performance.
02 Objective reasons
When the person we like is too perfect, we will unconsciously generate a kind of pressure in our hearts, making us feel that we have little chance of winning.
Maybe it’s their family background, appearance, income, education, and/or other factors cause you to have an inexplicable sense of inferiority, which makes you feel cowardly.
Another reason may be childhood experiences (unpleasant childhood experiences lead to fear of contact with people) or not getting enough parental care or even abuse in childhood.
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No matter which of the above is the cause of your nervousness we all have ways to improve, so what should we do?
01 accept your nervousness
We often fall into the misunderstand of thinking that we are nervous because there is something wrong with us.
The heartbeat and the nervousness of the little red face just mean that that person is the one you like. What you need is the courage to know and understand him.
So, the first piece of advice I give you is not to try to change your nervousness for the first time, but to accept your nervousness, because nervousness is not terrible, unless it is the kind of thing that makes you unable to eat or sleep. Accepting tension is a normal emotional change.
Usually, when people face what they like and are uncertain about their belonging, they will produce adrenaline stimulated physiologically, so that individuals will feel psychologically nervous. This is a very natural physiological phenomenon.
So, if you want to overcome this tension, accept it, not run away.
02 Don’t care about gain and loss
Sometimes people are really weird, they obviously like it, but they choose to escape, and they don’t even dare to speak up. The reason behind this question is a matter of gain and loss.
We all like to get, we are afraid of losing, and we are even more afraid of losing what we like very much.
To solve the problem of worrying about gain and loss, we must first correct the attitude.
What’s the point of being afraid of losing when you haven’t even spoken to the person you love?
Gains and losses are only a matter of thought, bravely speaking the first sentence, there may be unexpected gains.
03 Give yourself more positive cues
There is a particularly famous psychological phenomenon called Murphy’s Law, which I believe many people are aware of. What it says is:
The more afraid you are of what will happen, the more likely it will happen.
Therefore, if you always give yourself negative psychological hints, feel that you will hit a nail, and feel that the other party will not like you, then things are likely to go that way.
Because when you’re afraid of something, you’re more likely to screw it up for fear. So, please give yourself more positive cues.
Although you don’t have to read “I’m the best” 300 times in the mirror every morning, you can cheer yourself up and believe that you are a good and likable person. Try just talking to yourself kindly, the way you would a small child or a good friend.
04 Have the courage to practice
The more you are afraid, the more you have to face it.
Regardless of whether it is for objective reasons or subjective reasons, in the end, you still have a particularly important step, which is to do it bravely.
You must know that even if you perform it a thousand times in your mind if you don’t practice it, it will be in vain.
Take the initiative to participate in some social activities, meet more people, practice greeting people you don’t know, and meet new friends. Over time, slowly you will no longer be afraid of this situation.
It may be painful for you at first, but know this: the more pain you are in, the closer you are to love.
When you meet love, be brave, let go of your concerns, and be bold enough to know each other.
You have to believe that all acquaintances may be reunited after a long absence. You have to overcome yourself and say softly to the other party: “Hey, so you are here too.”
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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