What to Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Meet Your Expectations (With Dr. Eric FitzMedrud)

In this episode, I talk with psychologist and author of Better Man: A Guide to Consent, Stronger Relationships, and Hotter Sex. We explore how quickly we create stories about who our partner should be, and how those expectations erode connection, create resentment, and leave both people feeling like they’re failing.

What to Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Meet Your Expectations: Show Notes

Most of us have had moments in a relationship where we think:

If they loved me, they would…
Why don’t they just get it?
Why does this feel so hard?

And underneath that is frustration, disappointment, and even a sense that something is wrong with them, or the relationship.

I just released a new Practicing Love episode with psychologist and author of the Better Man: A Guide to Consent, Stronger Relationships and Hotter Sex, Eric FitzMedrud, that addresses something many of my clients feel, but don’t always know how to talk about:

Why your partner doesn’t meet your expectations (and what to do instead).

In this conversation, we unpack something I see all the time:

We think we’re relating to our partner… but we’re often relating to our expectations of them.

And when those expectations don’t match reality, it creates a lot of pain.

We talk about why your partner can sometimes feel like an “alien,” how differences in wiring and nervous systems impact connection, and why trying to get someone to change usually makes things worse, not better.

We also get into what actually helps:

How to create more understanding (instead of more frustration)
How to stop unintentionally triggering defensiveness
What it takes to create real “win-wins” in a relationship
And how to shift painful patterns, even if your partner isn’t changing yet

Many people carry a fear that they’re failing, because they can’t figure out how to make their partner happy. Others feel upset and unloved, because their partner doesn’t seem to consider their happiness. Some of us experience both!

This can shift when we get to know our partner more, rather than relating to their expectations.

This also can allow your partner to know who you are and what you need.

If you’ve ever felt disappointed in love — even when you care deeply about your partner — this episode is important for you.

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Connect with Eric

Eric’s website

Eric’s book

Bio:

Eric grew up in Minneapolis, where the diversity around him ignited his passion for diversity issues. After high school, he lived in India for a year while in the Rotary International Youth Exchange Program. He went to college in Colorado, where he met my wife. During college, he experienced a larger view of the world on Semester at Sea. He moved to the Bay Area in 2002 to begin his Ph.D. program in Clinical Psychology. His family is now settled in this area for good.

Eric became a licensed psychologist (PSY23669) through a circuitous route. He began with a strong interest in spirituality and human development during my undergraduate major in Religious Studies. He considered a more academic career but realized that what he really felt called to do was work with people one-on-one. He took some prerequisite courses for a year at Loyola University in Chicago and then began his Ph.D. in 2002 and earned his Clinical Psychology Ph.D. in 2008.

He loves his job and is honored that he gets to do work that he enjoys, that is meaningful, and which helps others live meaningful, connected lives.

Previously Published on Shana James Coaching

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