Last year my partner told me that he fell in love with another woman and slept with her.
In the first moment, I was paralyzed but then I cried the whole night. Even though we had an open relationship and I could have been aware of the possibility that one of us develops feelings for another person; I was still shocked that the man who loved me for the last five years suddenly fell in love with someone else.
Until we ended the relationship three months after, he kept assuring me that he wanted to be with me and that he wouldn’t want to break up with me to be with her.
Saying he still loved me and he wanted to stay with me kept me in the relationship and we had a few good days during the last months too.
Still, one week before we broke up, my emotional energy was at the lowest point. One evening, I just sat on the bathroom floor and cried.
That’s when I knew I had to end the relationship.
In this story, I’d like to tell you why I decided to end my relationship after five happy years. I’ll also give you some input on the questions you can ask yourself and your partner if you are in the same situation.
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1. Don’t panic. Communicate!
Everyone can fall in love with another person. That’s human. And just because it happens, it doesn’t mean that it’s the end of your relationship. If you feel anxious and lost, that’s totally okay. Tell your partner about your feelings and try to calm down in order to lead a constructive conversation.
(…) you are worth more than a ‘maybe’.
Maybe you need more time on your own before you are able to speak to your partner. Tell him/her that you need space to become aware of your feelings!
When you are ready, try to figure things out. But together! If your partner isn’t interested in a conversation or if he blocks you, then you probably already have the answers to your questions.
I know it can hurt awfully. But in this conversation it’s necessary to ask fundamental questions, like:
- Do we both still want this relationship?
- Are there enough feelings on both sides to work things out?
- What do we have to do to save the relationship?
- Is your partner ready to leave the other person or not?
- If not, can you both consider opening your relationship more and let someone else in?
After asking these questions you’ll probably already know what to do. If the outcome is a huge ‘maybe’ then it’s time to leave. I know it sounds hard but you are worth more than a ‘maybe’.
If you break up and your partner realizes that he genuinely wants to be with you and he has made a mistake, he’ll come back! The question is if you are still open to a relationship by then. If yes, give it a try! If no, than it was the right decision to leave.
2. Ask yourself: Do you feel your partner’s genuine commitment?
This was one of the most important indicators for me that a break-up might be the healthiest solution. As mentioned before, he told me several times that he wanted to stay with me.
The way he looked at me, the way he spoke to me had changed. I knew that we weren’t the same anymore.
Still, he didn’t even show half the commitment he did before. Just to name a few examples: He rarely asked me how I felt. He made no effort to spend time with me anymore. I even had the feeling he became passive-aggressive in my presence. When he told me nice words they sounded empty to me. Sometimes I had the feeling that he contradicted me just because he didn’t want to agree with me.
The way he looked at me, the way he spoke to me had changed. I knew that we weren’t the same anymore.
5 weeks before the break-up we signed the contract for our new flat. Even though he was looking forward to moving in, he didn’t talk about the future much. Our plan was to visit my aunt in Italy during the summer. He talked about our vacation less and less and I had the feeling that he had no further plans for us.
I got the feeling that he wasn’t able to break up with me as there were still too many feelings and he also had a problem with being alone. On the other side, he knew that he had to figure stuff out and that it would be healthiest not to be in a relationship right now.
He deceived himself. That’s why I didn’t feel his commitment anymore.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Is your partner still showing you interest and commitment in your relationship?
- Does he/she still make plans for the future with you?
- Did your partner’s behavior change currently?
Of course, you should talk about these questions if you’re not sure about the answers. I’m convinced that it’s always necessary to communicate a lot during challenging phases. If both of you are willing to do so, that’s great! Then you’ll most likely find solutions for your problems.
3. Question your relationship.
When your partner falls in love with another person, it’s not only about him, but especially about you to ask if you still feel heard, seen and respected by him/her. It’s also time to ask yourself where you are standing as a couple and which role your partner still plays in your life.
Do not cling to the relationship just because you are afraid of being alone. Or because you don’t want to lose your partner to another person.
It’s not about pride or fear but about if you can be happy with your partner in the long term. Even if you’re not experiencing a challenging phase, it’s always a good idea to question your relationship from time to time to see where you stand and to find out which changes you want. Otherwise, you won’t make progress as a couple!
Ask yourself these questions:
- Why am I still with my partner?
- Do you still share the same interests, future plans and values?
- What does it feel like when you think of a future with him/her?
These questions can be hard. And it’s even harder to answer them honestly. But maybe your feeling is a big YES to the relationship and you can continue fighting for it!
4. Set boundaries!
I didn’t want him to lose contact with her just because of me. I wanted him to figure things out with her and to decide actively for our relationship.
I don’t regret this decision but still, I failed to set boundaries.
One Sunday afternoon, we were relaxing in the living room and we had a great time. Shortly afterward, he received a message from her telling him that she had just left her apartment to go for a walk with him. He was taken by surprise and felt obligated to go for a walk with her even if they hadn’t planned anything.
I felt hurt because we spent a great time together and I wanted him to stay with me. Instead, I tried to swallow my jealousy and said that I was okay with it.
Even though I’m sure he knew that I wasn’t really okay with it, it would have been my job to tell him.
What hurt me the most: One day my partner sorted things out with her. They “broke up” which made me happy for a moment. But then things got even more toxic. They met again to talk things over and had sex. Then they “broke up” again.
He wasn’t able to figure things out to save our relationship.
Finally, I was able to say that I didn’t want him to meet her anymore. It was after another of their “break-ups”. I told him that I can’t take it any longer to see him broken-hearted because of another woman and then watching him go back to her after a few days.
Two weeks after he told me he’d visit a friend. He came home late. In the morning he told me that he was with her again. That was probably the most hurtful and wakening moment in this phase.
He had crossed the line.
He wasn’t able to figure things out to save our relationship!
As I wasn’t ready to spend one more day in this kind of relationship I decided to move to a friend for a while. When we met three days after, we broke up. Crossing this boundary hurt me deeply and it was the most obvious sign that I had to leave.
Ask yourself:
- Do you always communicate your boundaries clearly?
- What kind of boundaries do you need to feel happy and safe in a relationship?
- What are the consequences when someone crosses these boundaries?
5. Don’t blame it on the other person
I was so angry at her for being so pushy, writing to him that she wanted to sleep with him late in the night or sending him a message that she missed him after they had broken up.
I was so angry at her for pretending to respect our relationship and doing the exact opposite.
I was so angry and hurt that she couldn’t let go because I had the feeling that he really tried and she always threw him back with her messages.
I was so angry at her for pretending to respect our relationship and doing the exact opposite.
I was also angry that she couldn’t set boundaries on her own and just be strong enough to leave us alone.
But in the end, it’s not about the other person. My ex-partner is a grown-up and has to make decisions on own. He still has the power to disagree, cancel, reject and set boundaries for himself.
If your partner chooses to yield every time, it’s because he doesn’t want to end it.
Then it’s your turn to decide if you are willing to stay in a relationship with a partner who cannot decide.
6. It is not your fault!
It took me seven months to feel my self-worth again. I was so hurt that he had chosen another woman over me. Somehow I blamed myself for not being so young, beautiful, skinny and funny as her.
Which is total bullshit!
I know that now, but back then I just didn’t feel lovable anymore.
When your partner falls in love with another person it’s never your fault. It’s about your partner who maybe needed the feeling of something new or exciting.
Before he had met the other woman, my ex-partner was stuck in a personal crisis. He became more and more unhappy and dissatisfied with his life. Then the pandemic hit the world.
He was never able to figure out what exactly he had to change to feel better. But the feeling of falling in love probably gave him something he couldn’t give himself at that moment.
Still, it’s not your job to figure out why your partner fell in love with someone else.
There can be multiple reasons but it’s certainly not because you suddenly weren’t good enough anymore.
The situation 9 months later…
My ex-boyfriend and I are still in contact. It’s getting less and less but sometimes we write or call each other. A few weeks ago he told me that he missed me. He is now in a relationship with the other woman. They had an on/off-thing for a while and somehow they drifted into a relationship.
It doesn’t seem to be a healthy relationship but thats not my problem or responsibility anymore.
I’m feeling pretty free at the moment and I know that this break-up is probably the best thing that could have happened to me.
I feel so empowered. And I’m very happy to be with myself. I even decided to stop dating for a while. I want to make use of the time I’m spending alone to develop, to grow and to find peace within myself.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Of course, what did you expect? Planting tomatoes hoping to harvest apples?
If you want a healthy loving life-long relationships, you should build it, not something else. So far, you were building ‘Open relationships’ with your ‘partner’ – and you got a very natural result.
Next time, do it right. Or fix it this time, if you know how.
If you don’t – ask.
I like I could have written this myself. dissolving a 28 year relationship(14 year marriage) due to very similar circumstances. feeling more like myself day by day. thanks for sharing as it’s nice to know others have similar life experiences.