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Never ask a guy to braid your hair. A study just came out that suggests men feel angry when made to perform a “traditional feminine task” like, apparently, hair braiding. The researcher suggests this is because men are expected to gender perform in ways that women don’t have an equivalent; they must constantly “prove” their masculinity. While it’s not easy equating the ways that sexism effects men and women, rigid gender roles don’t help anyone.
But I am writing about this male phenomenon as a woman. And most of my sex positive blogging peers are also female. It almost seems there is some silent rule: men aren’t allowed to write about sexuality, as though a guy with a sex blog is the intellectual version of a flasher. It’s another way sexism harms men.
In these sex positive discussions, there is so much I want to hear from the male side, so much about masculinity that needs exploring. And this is how The Man Project was born. I asked men who are vocal about sex and asked them what was missing from the discussion about male sexuality. After talking with a handful of men from varying backgrounds—literature, art, porn, television—here’s a sampling of what I found. Feel free to weigh in and continue the discussion in the comments section below.
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How do you feel about your masculinity? Is this important to you?
David J: I think there’s an interesting cultural struggle around masculinity going on. At least judging by the advertising that’s targeting my demographic, like the Old Spice commercials. There’s this sense that masculinity, as it’s traditionally articulated, is problematic. So, masculinity isn’t something we seriously address. Also, it’s not something that’s presented to us in a serious way, it’s presented to us comically.
So, my friends and I, when we act traditionally masculine, we are both performing and making fun of masculinity–but we aren’t examining it. And we end up expressing our gender that way. It’s not, “I’ve thought a lot of masculinity and other forms of gender expression.” Instead, it’s, “The way I relate to my masculinity is by making fun of masculinity. And other than that, I don’t really know how to deal with it.”
Michael: The one thing that absolutely bugs me in the gay world is the question of, “Are you a top or a bottom?” It’s really, “How masculine are you?” If you want to see how masculinity and femininity are played out in the straight world, you only have to see how it is played out in the gay world. Top and bottom is really nothing but masculine and feminine. In ancient Greece and in Rome, homosexuality was accepted—but only if you were the top. The proscription against homosexuality was not about men having sex with men. It was about men not acting like women.
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Why is the sex writing, sex positive sphere dominated by women?
Michael: When I was selected to be the co-host of Sex Inspectors, they didn’t come out and say, “We want someone who is gay,” but they did more or less. I think the idea was if a [straight] guy talks about sex to a woman, there’s a sense that there is a hidden agenda. Which is a nice way of saying, “He is predator-like.”
Grant: We think there’s something gross about reading about a straight guy and his sexual experiences. Women are given great sexual latitude to do a number of different things—bondage, kinks, even lots of different vanilla sex. Men are really sort of reduced to just wanting to fuck something, and that’s it. Sexually, we are forced into a box and not allowed to express ourselves in many more ways than society allows.
David S: I think the critique and developing analysis of women’s sexuality came out of the feminist movement to a large extent. So, that would explain the critique of traditional thinking about women’s sexuality in general. It’s too bad because I think traditional gender roles in sexuality are just as limiting and damaging for men.
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There is this idea that male sexuality is different, simpler than female sexuality. It’s just a button to push. Thoughts?
David S: I used to run a workshop on male sexuality for women. One of the most common things that women would ask is, “So I’m with this guy, we have amazing sex and then in the morning, he is like gone.” I think guys think they are just gonna have a fun time. Because sex is as powerful as it is, sometimes a big door opens up inside you. Suddenly, your emotional guts are all over the table. Sex, touch, it is powerful in that way. Suddenly, you are dealing with the fact that you never got touched as a child, suddenly you are dealing with the time something happened and you were embarrassed. Suddenly, all sorts of larger issues, even existential ones leap up, and there you are in the middle of them.
I think women are more prepared for this, less frightened. For some guys, in this deeply intimate exposed place with a person they hardly know, they wake up in the morning and start putting a wall up, really fast. One of the sad things about sex, particularly for men, is that the culture shoves a version of sex down your throat that is just a poor, pale version of what is really possible.
Buck: I think and act and interact totally different from how I did when I was female and had little testosterone in my body. Even though I was a very masculine female. But I was much more sensitive, I cried easier. I looked at things differently, my sexuality. My sex drive was intense for a woman. But I would say it is much more intense now.
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What about male stereotypes like guys being “less in touch with their emotions”?
Eon: In a breakup, for example, I think women have a lot more coping mechanisms that society supports. Men are expected to not care and move on. I don’t know what’s going on at the Moose Lodge and I’m sure that some of those brothers are helping each other out. But in general, it’s hard to help another man emotionally. It’s a pride thing and a societal pressure not to.
Danny: There has been so much discussion over how women are treated, or how women feel when they perform in pornographic scenes. But heterosexual men seem to have been left out of this discussion. Maybe even gay men too. “How do male performers feel about performing in sex scenes?” It’s not a question often asked. I think it’s just assumed we want to fuck anything that’s put in front of us. I assure you that’s not the case.
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What about the one, guys are just “thinking with their dicks”?
Zak: So, guys can be extraordinarily smart in order to get their dick to have what they want. Like, right now we’re talking on a telephone. You’ve got Skype. My guess is that both of those things were invented by guys who thought that if they could invent something cool, it would make them rich and famous and get them laid. So Alexander Graham Bell wasn’t maybe thinking with his dick but thinking really helped his dick out.
Women are a complicated target. You have to really do all kinds of crazy shit in order to impress them or to get them to know you. And so, you know, men invent computers and airplanes and socks and healthcare because, like, you can’t have sex with women when they’re dead! We’ve really got to keep them all alive.
Eon: In my youth, the idea was that no girl would want to look at a dick—the dick is just lucky to be here. But I think both men and women want to be ambitious and explore the world in a similar way. [What’s missing for men is] the inability to make the one partner both of these things, wife and sexual adventurer.
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What is missing from the discussion around male sexuality?
Grant: I want to suck a dick. I don’t want to conform to a lifestyle or necessarily move to Chelsea. I just want to suck a big one. If women [want to experiment], it’s cool, but for guys it’s, “Oh, so you’re gay?”
Also, here is what I want to see changed: the way men use language. They talk about banging girls, finger-banging or fucking. It’s something mechanical that sort of gets done. I hope for them it’s actually a little more complex than that, a little more considered. But anything other than some sort of Anglo-Saxon term for what you do to a woman as a man is viewed as somehow weird, or creepy, or it makes you a sensualist.
David J: The message we are getting today is that our sexuality is problematic and destructive. I think that culturally there aren’t enough symbols of non-destructive sexuality for men to really adopt.
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Rachel Rabbit White is a “sex journalist.” Follow her on Twitter for more conversations about masculinity, sexuality and sex positivity. And to see more from these interviews, visit her blog.
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More from Sex Week at the Good Men Project:
Benoit Denizet-Lewis: The Dan Savage Interview
Hugo Schwyzer: Male Self-Pleasure Myths
Amanda Marcotte: What Women Don’t Tell You
Ed Fell: 10 Secrets to Satisfying Sex
Andrew Ladd: A Billion Wicked Assumptions
Charles Allen: Why I Hate My Giant Dong
Emily Heist Moss: Does Size Matter?
John DeVore: Multiple Inches of Love
Joshua Matacotta: Do Gay Men Fear Intimacy?
Hugo Schwyzer: Mythbusting Bisexual Men
Bhatia & MacKinnon: The Psychology of Erectile Dysfunction
Wilson & Robinson: Can’t She See I Need It?
Robert Levithan: Sex at 60
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Photo Just call me Jason (:/Flickr
Rachel I am not so sure you are right, Here is Dave Booda and his article on Good Men Project. lots of respons.https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/i-promise-its-not-lame-to-ask-a-woman-for-permission-dg/
Because a man describing himself as sex positive, more often than not will be regarded as preying on vulnerable women,,,
Women often don’t like to entertain the idea that men are different, and that a man’s sexuality might be complex and tied to emotional conditions. That would make her lose her status of moral superiority, simply dismissing his desires and advantages as “It’s the only thing you ever think about!”.
Well, the survey at the beginning of the article basically says a lot. So men get angry at braiding women’s hair? Why? What’s the problem? That just tells me he’s not confident in his sexuality. I can go to the supermarket to buy Kotex for my wife with no problem and he’s got issues with braiding hair? I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that! I think men definitely need to develop a sense of service towards female sexuality – like, my job as a man is to deliver sexual pleasure to women. When I express my masculinity, this… Read more »
As stated before, I believe what’s missing is acceptance. Acceptance that male sexuality is complex (not simple) and this is not a threat to female sexuality. When I’ve tried to talk about this with women, I’ve been told my sexuality is simple (which is a projection on their part) and it often seems like a man having complex sexuality is a threat because it takes away from the uniqueness of the women. I’ve had great physical sex, but the lack of emotional bond left me hanging. Oddly, I’ve had trouble explaining the importance of an emotional bond to some (not… Read more »
We should call this out for what it is – womansplaining.
To answer your question posed in the headline, what’s really missing from the discussion about male sexuality is the ability and permission for men to do so openly. Things are not going to change while male sexuality is perceived and presented only in a negative light – as predatory, threatening and dangerous at worst, and creepy, icky and perverse at best.
But I am writing about this male phenomenon as a woman. And most of my sex positive blogging peers are also female. It almost seems there is some silent rule: men aren’t allowed to write about sexuality, as though a guy with a sex blog is the intellectual version of a flasher. It’s another way sexism harms men. I would be the first to criticise any woman for “womansplaining” but being female does not negate your point of view. The fact that there have been a few angry comments from women here in response actually proves a point about female… Read more »
Natural male behaviour is portrayed as wrong and bad in the media, and unfortunately the media forms our views on matters. Male behaviour is twisted and spun in the media to demonize men. Intent is never considered, and stories are shown as being black and white, without ever looking from a male’s point of view. In reality men do like sex, and they like the way women look naked. This is 100% natural and normal. It is part of human DNA (women also pass this desire onto their sons), and the result of MILLIONS of years of evolution. It shows… Read more »
The reason “men aren’t allowed to write about sexuality” is because they’re building you a house, cooking you dinner or fuckn your brains out.
I find it really strange that in many of these responses, Mens’ experiences of gender are defined or questioned via their perceived relationship to womens’ experiences. (E.g. “Women are given great sexual latitude to do a number of different things” or “I think women are more prepared for this, less frightened” or even In other words, that these guys are saying “i feel like this, which is weird because women feel like/get to experience this”. But isn’t that making a massive assumption about what women actually do feel/experience, and furthermore doesn’t it run the risk of once again being a… Read more »
But suggesting that men’s experience of gender is so complicated as to not be understood by women seems to be incredibly patronising.
Actually its not patronising because if women really did understand men’s experiences of gender things wouldn’t be so confusing to everyone. The male experience and the female experience are different. They both have ups and downs and are nowhere near the same and you definitely can’t say that one really understands the other.
Hi wintermute
“because we all know the only way guys can give sexual pleasure is
by using their dicks right?”
And we know that you are only joking ,right?
If you are not joking then read up on how large percentage of women that archive orgasm by penis in vagina sex.
(But I am sure you are only joking .)
Men need more non-permanant options for birth control. MRA’s beat a dead horse about male abortion, but they never seem to advocate men’s birth control. There are a couple new options. India has developed a product that can keep sperm from swimming for ten years. We need to advocate for something like this to get approved by the FDA as soon as possible. Feminists have been very effective at legalizing abortion and getting women access to birth control. The fight is not over, but men have totally been left out of any discussion about their own reproductive rights. Keep it… Read more »
MRA’s beat a dead horse about male abortion, but they never seem to advocate men’s birth control. Actually yes they do talk up male birth control. Contrary to feminist beliefs for a lot of MRAs its about freedom and options, not controlling women. Keep it in your pants.That is our only full-proof option for reversable birth control. We need more options. And do you know who has participated in that belief heavily? Feminists. Tell a man to keep it in his pants and its seen as putting him in his place or calling out but tell a woman to keep… Read more »
Do you know who is also pushing heavily to create more birthcontrol options for men?
Do you know who fights for reproductive rights for all on a daily basis?
Feminists, thats who.
Youre welcome.
Yeah three years later and you’re still full of shit. Feminists are doing great work for the reproductive rights of women and that’s awesome but dont waste our time trying to act like they are doing the same for men just so you can get the credit.
Do some damn actual work before you come claiming credit for it.
And PS: Don’t turn a 180 and give me that “Well its not the job of feminists to help men” either.
Touche. Sound arguments. Keep up the good effort.
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At a time when we are constantly bombarded with the phrase “unintended consequences” I think its approproate to point out a few unintended consequences of sex positive feminism (which really just means mainstream feminism in 2011), and I’d appreciate some comments. I’m all for freedom of choice. Nobody should be denied a civil right protected under the law. Of course, as with any choice comes consequences, however trivial they may be. In the years following the “sexual revolution” men have experienced unprecedented new supply of commitment free sex. I’m just curious, as “liberating” as it may be to have sex… Read more »
Eli, I’m not sure exactly what you are getting at. You are apparently feeling like you are surrounded by a lot of enticing, slutty young women and wondering if you really want to settle down with your chaste finance, and somehow this is all the fault of feminists? Because back in the 1950’s, you wouldn’t have wanted to sleep around with a variety of women? I guess men never, EVER cheated on their wives/girlfriends before feminists came along in the 1960’s.
Dear feminists and other concerned citizens of the world,
Stop trying to save us.
Stop trying to change us.
Hell, stop trying to understand us.
Oh, and stop trying to define us.
All the hand wringing and faux concern makes my head hurt.
Hell if they could understand us without trying to define us first I’d be fine with them for the most part.
I like Eon’s response to the question about men “thinking with their dicks.” (Zak’s kind of sucks.) I spend a lot of time with my dick. I see it all the time. I go to the bathroom and “hello, little guy.” I look at it when I’m masturbating. I watch porn that often highlights the male member (and can create a lot of problematic expectations). But I have only been with one female partner who really, really liked my dick. All kinds of straight men talk about having preference for butts or a boobs, but dicks aren’t treated the same… Read more »
My wife says I have a pretty dick. She’s said it a number of times. Just sayin’.
“Never ask a guy to braid your hair. A study just came out that suggests men …”…
Never ask a guy to braid your hair. A study just came out that suggests men feel angry when made to perform a “traditional feminine task” like, apparently, hair braiding. The researcher suggests this is because men are expected to gender perform in way…
Not sure what your point is, but this opening paragraph speaks volumns doesn’t it? Men define their masculinity by being un-female and those identified with the traditional masculine construct get pretty damn aggressive and angry at the mere idea of possessing feminine traits, or being seen as equal to women, which they imagine is a step down.
Thats a good point.
Rachel, how would you feel emotionally. about wearing a beard, work boots or even appearing in a photograph attached to your blog without all your feminine game gimmickry?
I disagree that men define their sexuality by the sole factor of being “un-female”. But on that point, not a lot of women enjoy being told they look like a man either.
To claim that men are less in touch with their emotions presumes men are hard-wired to have the same intensity of emotions and the same number (if such can be quantified) of emotions as women. This is an assertion without basis in fact. I don’t know how it could be empirically tested, but until it is, we have only an assertion. Maybe what we have is an excess of drama queens among women who are forever fondling their emotions and insisting the rest of us are obligated to pay attention. As an objective matter, either can be true, or false,… Read more »
Interesting point Richard. I have always “felt” that men were more emotional than women. The common shtick is to believe that unexpressed emotions make you unemotional. I think men are more invested in not expressing their vulnerability. It’s very easy to see when a man is emotional, he becomes quiet, contemplative and withdrawn. He deals with his vulnerability and then expresses himself. Which is right about the time that nobody wants to hear it. It’s a completely different construct of coping. Male vulnerability is not socially acceptable and especially to women.
Lots of anger here at how feminists are trying to prevent discussion about male sexuality, with the implication that a hundred years ago it was much more discussed. As a history major, got to tell you that this is not the case. A hundred years ago, both oral sex and writing about it were illegal. Seeing as most modern studies show virtually all men like blowjobs (though some more than others) this seems like a massive disservice to our forebears. Still, there is a significant correlation between the fifteen States in the US that crimininalize fellatio (Utah, Georgia, Florida, Idaho,… Read more »
Many feminists have done a great deal to advocate for greater discussion of sexuality, greater acceptance of alternate sex acts as valid means of sexual expression, and greater access to condoms for both women and men. Which makes people (myself to an extent) angry to see folks that have done those great things then turn around and shut men out of the conversation. While there has been some sex-negative feminism, the solution isn’t going back to the 19th century (or modern day Utah), it’s moving forward to a point where both female and male sexuality can be expressed and appreciated.… Read more »
1. However, men do control a large number of media outlets. I can’t help but feel that the situation is much more complex than “women aren’t letting us write” but “large media outlets aren’t letting us write” and “many men feel uncomfortable writing because of social norms.” 2. There is often, not always, but often, a fundamentally regressive quality to anti-feminism, generally the feeling that men have “lost something” over the last century and need to take it back. From this message board alone, “In the 1950′s men, generally speaking, were held in relatively high esteem..” “men should become men… Read more »
1. However, men do control a large number of media outlets. No a lage number of media outlets are controlled by a few men that are more motivated by money and power than looking out for men as a whole. Sharing gender with the likes of Ted Turner doesn’t amount to much. I can’t help but feel that the situation is much more complex than “women aren’t letting us write” but “large media outlets aren’t letting us write” and “many men feel uncomfortable writing because of social norms.” Actually its a combination of all three of the things you mention… Read more »
1. That’s my point exactly- women aren’t the enemy, people who don’t want to seriously look at male gender norms are, be they media executives or regular people. The majority of feminists don’t fall into this category. In my experience anyways, the only times feminists are upset are when the discussion enters into the realms of “men can’t help themselves,” “all men want the same things,” or “how to manipulate women into having sex with you,” which is usually a conversation that is as much anti-man as anti-woman. If you have examples of feminists shutting men down for talking about… Read more »
Again, this might just be my experience, but the vast, vast majority of feminists don’t do any of the above. Concern with the prevalence of rape in our society and believing that it is the rapist’s responsibility to not commit rape is often seen as somehow anti-male, but I’ve never found it particularly so. You’re right the vast majority don’t however there just seems to be this selective ignorance of those who do. The concern itself is not anti-male I don’t think. The feeling comes in when (or at least I think so) men are expected to take responsibility for… Read more »
Buck: I think and act and interact totally different from how I did when I was female and had little testosterone in my body. Even though I was a very masculine female. But I was much more sensitive, I cried easier. I looked at things differently, my sexuality. My sex drive was intense for a woman. But I would say it is much more intense now. RRW, Id be very interested if you could follow up this, investigating how testosterone changes the behaviour of transmen. this area seems very ripe for exploration and feminist contention ;-), as does the effects… Read more »
The reason why you find little men writing about it? Because for fifty years feminists and gynocentric spent their time dehumanizing, criminalizing, no even demonizing male sexuality.
Unless your goal is to undo the damage, no man in his right mind would write about it; he’ll just get attacked, labeled as a misogynist, creep, get abused hurled at him, and whatnot.
Right, because highly restrictive views of men’s masculinity and sexuality only appeared after feminists showed up.
Except wait, it didn’t.
Sex-positive feminists opened the door to healthier women’s sexuality. It’s time men did the same for themselves.
I read most of the interviews from the Man Project on Rabbit White’s blog. My favourite was Michael. The quote from him about how gay men seem to fetishise their masculinity by valuing ‘tops’ over ‘bottoms'(who they perceive as feminine) I found very pertinent and fascinating. I think he raises an important often unspoken issue amongst gay men. My view, as an outsider to an extent, is that I think being a ‘bottom’ does feminise a man, but not permanently! The act of bottoming is akin to the act of being penetrated as a man might penetrate a woman. This… Read more »
Another clueless article written by a clueless pro-sex feminist who pobably (like most women) thinks that all or most men view smut-WRONG ANSWER.Thats another female delusion along with most guys being into what the mainstream puke porn industry poops out.There are alot of guys who view smut but the generalizations that sex bloggers regarding that are mindblowing .Furthermore,sex positive feminism and misandry and one and the same.Go to one these gutless wunderkinds and listen to them bash the living crap outta guy’s on their genitals,guys who suck in bed,short guys,bald dudes,men with ED,…its mindblowing…such hate for men…Women are headed for… Read more »
Don’t you mean “sex-negative” feminists?
Sex negative feminists think that all sex is rape.