When Has Your Dismissive Avoidant Partner’s Desire for Independence Turned to Disrespect?

When we engage in a relationship with our partner, we respect values, morals, and boundaries.

It seems like an easy, straightforward statement and action to follow, but going a layer deeper helps you understand the root of their needs.

There are boundaries that we set that come from unhealthy positions and are a result of negative experiences rather than self-exploration and honest evaluations of what brings peace and serenity in our lives.

For example, do you value constant communication, or did you grow up in a household that felt closed off and didn’t provide an avenue to express yourself?

Yes, there is a fine line between a healthy boundary and an unhealthy boundary, and I will get into that in my next article.

One of the most prevalent unhealthy boundaries is the need for relationship independence for the dismissive-avoidant.

The avoidant’s boundary derives from a long history of being unable to rely on others, having trouble being vulnerable and expressive, and feeling the burden of sharing responsibilities with others.

When you apply an unhealthy boundary as a result of your past, the negative consequences can quickly pile up and show up in your current relationships.

When does it cross the line and turn into disrespect toward your current partner?

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Gone with the wind

I can tell you the cycle you’ve been through with the avoidant in moments of conflict.

You get into a discussion that doesn’t progress positively because your partner rejects your thoughts or won’t open up and express their feelings.

Next, instead of taking time to process the moment, they seemingly shut down and are dejected from the conversation.

You would think this is when the line has been crossed, and it has turned to complete disrespect, but there is another layer avoidants will take it if they haven’t begun to combat their instincts.

In extreme cases, the only time they will show up at the table is when you have completely disappeared out of the picture, and they have taken days to weeks to process what happened.

An extreme avoidant will tell you they needed the time to process and think about the situation but can still return to the table without the ability to express and have a positive interaction with you.

It is a constant cycle the avoidant goes through because they feel like they took the time to assess the situation and not react negatively at the onset of the issue.

What has actually occurred is they have subconsciously told you that working with you is the last resort option, and they will go through the emotional journey alone before they work with you to resolve the problem.

It turns into a game. Now, you take it upon yourself to “give them space” when, in reality, it’s a feeble attempt to get the proper response from your partner.

Overcooked

Have you noticed that when you get to the height of conflict with your avoidant partner, they say you’re overreacting?

It does not matter how small or large the topic is. There is no avenue for you to talk about it, and they shut you down.

They are doing this for three reasons.

They avoid facing the result of their behaviors or addressing speaking about emotions in general. It allows them to deflect and shift the blame back to you rather than allowing an open space for communication.
Since they can not prioritize or register a moment as impactful, then it cannot possibly have meaning in the grand scheme of your dynamic.
They are overwhelmed by a disruption of harmony in the relationship, so they instinctively reject the notion that something can be going wrong.

Either of these approaches neglects the opportunity you have to communicate and express feelings.

It has crossed the line of disrespect because you begin to lower the value and meaning of topics that you would like to bring up.

You begin to feel like you are overreacting and start to question yourself.

Instead of two people working through an issue, you’re left wondering if you are the one causing the riff in the relationship.

Me, myself and I

The last bullet point goes without fine detail, but it is important to note because we see the issue, but we don’t do anything about it until it has gone too far.

Your avoidant partner has crossed the line when you no longer feel safe and comfortable.

When does this happen? It varies, but it comes in many forms.

Do you feel like you cannot express yourself like we talked about above? Do you question your sanity when you have issues that you want to talk about?

Do you feel more comfortable talking to friends and family than speaking in the comfort of your home and relationship? Do you hold your thoughts in until you begin to resent your partner?

Those feelings above aren’t normal.

Once you have crossed the line to where you are not emotionally safe, then you have approached the wall that the avoidant can put up to keep their partner at bay.

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Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my offering click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected]

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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