Why did it take so long to let her go?
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I was thousands of miles away and we were about to FaceTime but I wasn’t that excited.
I should’ve been more excited, shouldn’t I? I’d been away for about a week already and we’d barely spoken … why wasn’t I that excited?
I can’t remember what we spoke about. Nothing important. What I do remember is wanting to stop speaking to her so I could chill with my friends.
I was confused, but I ignored it. I’d deal with it when I went back. She was coming to the airport to meet me anyway so I’m sure we’d embrace each other and kiss and then we’d be ok.
She sprinted up to me at the airport and almost knocked me over. I was annoyed. Annoyed? Seriously? I was annoyed? Why wasn’t I happy to see her? Why wasn’t I holding her like I’d never let her go?
We didn’t even have sex that night. We’d always had the hottest physical chemistry, the best I’ve ever had, but I just didn’t want to. Probably because I was tired, right? I’d just had a 12-hour flight. I must’ve been exhausted.
Over the next few days, one question kept popping into my mind:
“Am I still in love with her?”
I tried to ignore it. I tried to pretend it wasn’t there. I tried to make this new reality go away. Do any of those things ever work out for anybody?
I asked myself that question over the next few days, and few weeks, and few months.
I didn’t want to answer it. I didn’t want to know the answer to it.
I was spending a lot more time with my friends than with her. That’s not necessarily bad, but it was bad because I kept choosing them over her. I wanted to choose them over her. I cancelled plans with her so I could see them.
The break up broke her. We both cried but she was the one who was hurting more, because, unlike me, she didn’t understand. She thought it had just come out of nowhere.
She thought it had come out of nowhere because I’d hidden myself. And probably because she’d ignored me hiding myself.
It hadn’t come out of nowhere for me. It had been building for months. I knew I wasn’t in love with her months before I told her, and yet I decided it was more important to keep it from her than to tell her.
Because?
Because I’d decided it was more important to do what was easy than what was right
Because?
Because I didn’t want to hurt her.
The irony.
I didn’t want to hurt her, so I strung her along for months, choosing my friends over her at every opportunity, and then I broke up with her completely unexpectedly, and hurt her.
I ended up hurting her even more than I would’ve hurt her, all because I didn’t want to hurt her.
And what about me? I’d stayed in a relationship I didn’t want to be in because I didn’t want to hurt her, and because I didn’t want to have that conversation, and all those things did was give me pain.
I wasn’t being fair to anybody. To her or to me.
I knew I wasn’t in love with her anymore.
And now I know that the pain of breaking up now will always be less than the pain of breaking up later.
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Photo: GettyImages
I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. There is no guidebook for dating. Relationships have down phases. It takes time to process that and figure out if it is time to break up or if it’s just a phase.
Damn this article, this is exactly what happened to me 2yrs ago. “Exactly”. And still single to this day. I think that I’m not yet capable of having a serious relationship now. And yeah, there are guys who are single by choice.
Actually, yes you right you were an asshole but she settled at the same time …
Very Good Article anyway.
Love From France.
Gayou
You should’ve said something to her right away, rather than prolonging it. Women are not mind
Readers as Men would say to women as well. Prolonging the relationship would hurt more rather than saying it right away.
just same feeling, prolonging by not saying it right then still make no difference, at once when feelings are laid down square it hurts but maybe getting through with it may not cause too much heartache. Women tends to broaden up their horizon at an instant after realizing that relationship is going nowhere., even though how much it hurts once feelings, but it very important that hurting could be limited in some way
right now I am in the process to singling out whether he still want this relationship of just enjoying his friends out, I wouldn’t also dare to haunch it negatively because I wanted to give space between us, I maybe am just playing possessive which is a lil immature and irrational 🙂
My girl fell out of love with me but she didn’t re ignite the flame she just left the instant she knows that she doesn’t love me anymore. Now im here waiting for an answer if she’s having an affair behind my back or what.
I’m curious if you did anything to try and re-ignite the love you once had for her. What we call love is really just an addiction to brain chemicals triggered by novelty and bonding hormones. To stay in love, it’s important to keep those juicy brain chemicals flowing.
Yes!!
Oh, I can think of a million other reasons too. Here are some: You feel guilty, like just because the “honeymoon phase” of the relationship is over, you should still be able to have some integrity, stick with it, and not be “the asshole”. You feel like you’d be admitting failure; like getting out of it would be quitting. You feel like maybe you’ve tallied up the pros and cons in your head incorrectly. It’s too close to call, so maybe you’re just not being grateful for what you have. You feel like the grass isn’t necessarily greener anywhere else… Read more »
Oh, another one. You feel like it’s not her fault. It sounds like your situation is similar to mine, so this one counts. It’s not her fault she hates all your friends, doesn’t want to go out and do any of the things you want to do in the world, and has no friends of her own, or anything she does that doesn’t need to involve you. If that were the case, you could spend time with your friends and do the things you want to do without her, while she does the same. Then you get together, compare notes,… Read more »