When Men’s Online Behavior Becomes a Turn-off for Women

It’s amazing what kind of cajones being behind a keyboard can give a guy, isn’t it? We all have moments where we rant and rave. Sometimes, it results in you getting suspended from Twitter. Other times, you may not realize what kind of consequences you stir up.

Recently, my friend Kaylie* said something pretty salient. She’s a model and she openly admitted something that’s started to happen to many others in my circles.

“I’ve started to lose attraction to men,” she said. “Every time I read the hateful shit they say about women, something in me dies a little more. Ossiana, I don’t want to feel this way, but I can’t help it anymore. I don’t feel the same way I used to about men, dating, or relationships.”

Even if you are not sexually attracted to women, hearing this should alarm you. I think it’s time we talk about it.

Misogyny thrives online, and it’s time we be honest about it.

Photo by Ehimetalor Akhere Unuabona on Unsplash

Fragile men of the net, I’m going to be honest with you. If you try to argue that hate forums that encourage misogyny aren’t common, I’ll report you. Reddit, in particular, is famous for this shit. However, it’s an internet-wide issue and you’re lying if you say it’s not.

Online, you can find entire forums of men talking about how they want to rape women, how proud they are of using girls for sex, and how men feel they’re owed sex. There is an entire movement of men who shoot up schools because they aren’t getting laid.

Whether men realize it or not, almost every single woman they’ve ever met has received harassing, threatening, or abusive messages from men online. That means your sisters, your wives, your mothers…all of them. I wonder how that makes these guys feel?

This kind of talk was not normal 25 years ago. While there were still edgy teens who talked about “going back to the kitchen,” it was never this serious or this terrible. I ought to know. I was a preteen back then!

Though hearing men talk poorly about women is bad enough, the verbal abuse most women get online takes it to the next level.

Photo by ahmed zid on Unsplash

I pray for the next generation of girls growing up with a low self-esteem. They’re going to need all the prayers we can give them. Why? Because the way men directly attack women who reject them or don’t agree with them online is horrific.

Real talk, I don’t understand how men are okay with speaking to other people this way. I really don’t. Unless these guys are so down and out, so unstable, and so fucked in the head that they are in desperate need of psychological help, there’s no reason for it.

I genuinely want to know what these types of men think they’re doing with this. They do realize that abusing women is only going to hurt their chances with dating, right?

Believe it or not, the vitriol guys throw is starting to have an effect on women.

Photo by Alexandru Zdrobău on Unsplash

I don’t know what the deal is with guys’ motivation with this stuff. Is it to prove their masculinity to other men? Is it to scare women? Drop their self-esteem until they roll over? Whatever it is, it’s not good.

Oh, and I also don’t think that they’re getting the reaction that they were hoping. We all have heard about the studies showing that people are having less sex than ever before. I don’t think guys realize that part of the reason deals with how women are treated on the net.

If you talk to women online or have a real heart-to-heart with them, they might admit that the internet has made them extra scared of men. Some might even admit that they’re losing interest in dating as a result of what they hear guys say.

Saying “not all men” and “take accountability” is not going to fix women’s increasing disinterest.

Photo by Samantha Sophia on Unsplash

For some reason beyond my understanding, a lot of guys seem to think they need to remind women that it’s “not all men.” Or, they’ll say “women around me never complain!” Or, they may sea lion and say that “women do bad things too.”

Sigh. Please. If this sounds like you, please shut the fuck up, and stop making these bad faith arguments. We both know it’s bullshit. Women do not hold the responsibility to force themselves to grin and bear shitty treatment from men — online or off.

If enough men make women feel like shit on a regular basis, guys should not be surprised when they hear of women writing off men. They also shouldn’t be shocked if women start to demand safe spaces that exclude men.

The problem with internet comments is that they’re anonymous. We don’t know who wrote it, whether it’s the guy next door, a total stranger, or that one guy friend. Every comment we read makes us question guys a little more. It’s little wonder women don’t feel safe around men!

Want to be part of the solution? Well, that’s simple. Check your fellow males when they spread hateful shit on the internet. That’s all we want and need to see.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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