When Opposites Come Together, Does This Really Work in a Relationship?

“It’s strange that you guys are together. You are like complete opposites” my friend mused. “It must be true what they say – opposites attract.”

I paused reflectively.

My bestie and I were enjoying a post work happy hour, talking about the men we were with after years of what I call post-traumatically dating.

It really is a jungle out there.

But I hadn’t really thought about it. Us being opposites of each other that is. And now I was.

“Yeah umm I mean it just works for us. Like we work well together I guess. I think it’s because we complement each other.”

Later that evening it got me thinking.

Was it a bad thing my long-term boyfriend and I were total opposites? I hadn’t given it much thought before.

I think it could have gone either way.

My previous long-term relationship which was with my ex-husband did not end the greatest. He, at least I had thought at the time, was so very similar to me and had all the traits I was looking for. We had so much on common. Except for emotional control apparently, which I learned much later on.

Also to the outside eye he looked great “on paper” as they say.

Just like many other things in life we find out later on as we get older, this premise is deeply flawed.

When They Are Only Good on Paper

When you look back, it’s usually not at all what you had in mind when you envisioned this person in your head. With your…

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I always thought someone who was very similar to me would work out the best. Just review your checklist with the things you want -good job, good education, good looks, check check, and you’re all set. That’s who you should marry.

Once you have all the boxes checked on your list and he looks good on paper, then you are good.

That’s who your life partner should be so you can happily live out the rest of your days together.

I guess I was altogether wrong on that.

After the failure of my previous long term relationship, I wanted to find someone that wasn’t so fitting of everything I thought I needed and wanted.

Someone that complemented my weaknesses.

Someone who could fill in the gaps where I had shortcomings.

Essentially someone who was different from me, had some opposite traits, but some similarities too.

I wanted to form a team with my new future partner, whoever that was going to be.

I never felt like I was a team with my former spouse. Instead, it was constantly a competition. On his end anyway. Not mine. I am not a competitive person.

It was exhausting.

I always wanted to have a collaboration. Not a competition. I dealt with enough of that at work.

I never got it. The teamwork and collaboration part.

I was looking for someone who would complement me and be who I wasn’t.

When we could both bring different traits, different skills, different things we could offer each other, that would make our team stronger.

For where I was weak, he would be strong. For things he didn’t do well in that I did do well, I could help him. Together we could succeed.

That is what I always wanted.

But never had.

But now I knew what I wanted and what I needed. And why I was attracted to soemone who possessed the traits for what I didn’t have.

I think sometimes we confuse compatibility with being the same.

Just because we are compatible with our spouse or significant other, does not necessarily mean we hold exactly the same interests, likes or dislikes.

Or even personalities. It is sometimes thought that extroverts should partner up with extroverts, introverts with introverts.

I know many examples of people where this is not the case.

A friend of mine had shared with me one day that her husband was a severe introvert and never wanted to socialize or go out.

She said it’s ok with her that he likes to stay home because she makes plans with friends to go out and joins some local group activities. Also she works in a public-facing organization with lots of opportunities to interact with people there.

“I get my energy from being around other people. That’s why I love coming into work and not working remotely” she shared. “It’s ok that my husband likes to hang out at home. We do our own things apart and then spend time alone together too.”

I am the same with my significant other. He does not enjoy social events, meeting new people, or even dealing with customer service calls and such at all.

I myself love chatting and meeting new people and it is something I enjoy. I get lonely not being around people.

So even though we are opposites we are comptabile and it works for us. We accept each other for who we are and our differences, which make us unique. We like each other the way we are.

For others, this might not be work. But everyone is different.

According to Psychology Today, for many long-term relationships that have lasted, the couple shares very similar characteristics.

So the jury is still out if opposites work better long term or those with similarities.

At the end of the day, it is really about what works for each couple.

And the only one who can decide that is you.

What do you think? Please share in the comments! Thanks for reading!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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