Better to accept reality than become The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave.
—
Back in the early days of Saturday Night Live John Belushi played “The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave,” a party guest who overstayed his welcome. While his nice, non-confrontational hosts dropped subtle hints that it was time to go, Belushi flopped onto the couch, turned on a movie, and looked for more chips. At least I think that’s what happened. I haven’t seen that sketch since Carter was in office.
I have been that guy many times, but never at parties. No, at get togethers I’m right on top of the social cues, or at least I think I am. I suppose when one is The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave he’s blissfully unaware of his own cluelessness.
Regardless, I’ve been that guy way too many times in the context of relationships. I overstay my welcome, leaving the incredibly sweet woman who once was kind enough to let me see her naked screaming like the heroine in a slasher movie.
And I’m sure I’m not the only one. In a comprehensive study that I just made up, the following four Things That Wouldn’t Leave were identified:
- The Hopeless Romantic: If this person has learned anything from rom-coms it’s that true love always prevails. Just stay after it. Buy a boom box and a Peter Gabriel cassette. Send flowers. Live your own “win her back” montage and everything is going to work out.
- The Separation Anxiety/Fear of Abandonment Guy: There’s no joke to be had here. People who deal with abandonment issues have a hell of a time letting go.
- The Pathologically Responsible: Maybe there are kids involved, or real estate, or debt. Maybe someone is ill or the holidays are coming up or…or…or…. The pathologically responsible guy won’t give up on a relationship because to do so is unreasonable. There’s business to attend to.
- The Denier: It’s just a phase. She doesn’t mean it. She’ll get over it.
Well, here’s the thing: She does mean it, and she won’t get over it. I’m a writer not a doctor, but my experience is that once a partner has checked out everything from that point on is just endgame. Whether you chase the king around the chessboard for six seconds or six years is entirely up to you, but checkmate is checkmate.
Love yourself, love her, honor the good times you had together. When she says it’s over, it’s over. I know it hurts, because I’m all four of the guys listed above. Don’t make it worse by becoming The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave.
Interested in keeping your relationship from getting to this point? Check out 5 Simple Ways for Men to Ruin Relationships
— Photo by Kev Seto on Unsplash
When I ended my 13 year marriage in March which I followed by moving out in April, all of a sudden my now ex is active on FB and messaging me about why I no longer post. Umm, because I haven’t been active on FB for 2 years which I talked with you about when I was making that decision. Then in June, he follows and subscribes to my articles that I write on Medium. This is after I’ve been writing on there for a year and he had NO interest. He followed these actions by messaging me about a… Read more »
I met this beautiful girl about after being divorced after 13 years. I got with her and she was pregnant within the first month. She cheated on me with my best friend and then 2 more times during the five years we were together. She eventually left me for a 21 year old at the age of 38 years old. I got into another relationship but I always thought of her for 5 Years. Things didn’t work out for me or her and we hooked up again. We have been together for 2 1/2 years and she would leave to… Read more »
Go here and read everything. It might help
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/relationships-with-borderline-narcissistic-personality-women/
I’m being the thing that won’t leave right now, because my fiance told me that he’s “not sure about us anymore” and I keep trying to convince him. Utterly pathetic. Thank you for opening my eyes. Time to let go.
I’m so sorry, Natalie. That must be so hard. I had my heart ripped out by my ex over a year ago & am The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave that he doesn’t know about… Let me explain, it’s the thing that won’t leave my mind!! Although I don’t text or call him, I still obsess every day over him and the girl (truly, “girl”) he replaced me with TEN months ago even though I have done everything to try to let go and move on. I’ve humiliated myself, thankfully just not with his knowledge. Anyway, the promise of forever and… Read more »
Dear Nicole, I am a guy and let me tell you this. I know exactly where you are. I am doing all the things you’ve stated…the girl who dumped me was looking out for dates 3 weeks after we broke up…but I am still in love with her. The night she dumped me, she hurt me so deeply that I don’t think she will ever realize what she did. In your case, if you have treated him right and only you can answer that with honesty, than believe you me at some point It will hit him hard how he… Read more »
MGTOWs and Zeta Males never hang around if a woman is not interested. They move on and don’t look back.
Thanks for this article James. I am the woman in this equation and the person that won’t go away….ie: let go. I’m pretty newly separated (6 months). It came somewhat suddenly and has been really difficult for me to assimilate in my new existence. I, like you, bear all four crosses you list an indicators you might be the one who won’t go away. Today would have been my 9 year anniversary and I’m marking it with a tattoo reminding me to let go, move on. Anyway, thanks for the article it was another reminder to let go. I would… Read more »
Seems this thread veered off topic back in January of this year but let me say that I have seen where women take advantage of ex husbands and try to take them for all their worth, particularly if the man was already successful prior to the marriage. The traditional roles of men being the breadwinners and the women staying home to raise children (a 24/7 job, a beautiful one but it still involves a great deal of “work”), most likely give the husband opportunities that he wouldn’t typically have if he had to concentrate on childcare and other equally important… Read more »
Interesting perspective and an article I appreciate. Thank you. I spent the last year of a 17 year marriage as The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave. My motivation spanned all four of the reasons listed with abandonment issues and hopeless romantic taking the lead. My failed marriage included two children and fairly traditional roles for my ex and I that I thought we both took pride and satisfaction in. I worked a soul-sucking job to make ample money to allow her to live the life of a stay at home mom she chose. We had a beautiful home, nice cars, vacations… Read more »
What a horrible story, Dax, and unfortunately one that too many guys can relate to.
Dax, That is such an unfortunate story. The two things that stand out are that “she chose” to live a certain way in your relationship, yet you felt obliged to live a certain way (in order to support her choice). It’s a shame that your marriage didn’t include both of you making choices together, and instead “enabling” a crippling co-dependence. What I’m referring to is that while it sounds like you really took the hit in having to continue to support her in the manner to which she became accustomed, seen in another light, she’s fairly pitiable: a grown up… Read more »
P.S. I mean to be clear, I’m not saying she deserves a large portion of your earnings, In particular, I think It’s absolutely unethical that your money be used to further her life of luxury rather than sending her back to school to earn her eventual economic independence.
I just think that you both are responsible for the monster you two created.
Elissaf, you are absolutely right about us creating a crippling co-dependence together in marriage. All the decisions that got us there were made together. Whether my contributions to our troubles were consciously or sub consciously motivated, I accept my half of the responsibility for the end of the marriage. My point about alimony being a Thing That Will Not Leave is that it does a terrible disservice to both parties. The courts presume the time and money of alimony will be used to seek education and/or experience to position the recipient to be able to support herself. However, there is… Read more »
Thanks for the response, Dax. I wasn’t aware that “the courts presume the time and money of alimony will be used to seek education and/or experience to position the recipient to be able to support herself.”. That’s a good thing if it does! You could, in theory, be assured that she’d eventually be able to support herself and you’d be off the hook. I thought the reality was that there was no pressure on her to change, and only the continual drain of your resources, Anyhow, this is off topic. I am sorry for the way your relationship ended and… Read more »
Man, this kind of story is told way to often. Its the double standards in todays “gender equal” society. Although nothing can be done, I hope she knows how pitiful she really is. I mean no offense as she is the mother of your children and you were together for such a long time, but that is the behavior of a parasite, attaching to the host, feeding off of it, and after it leaves it still is a problem for the host. I am sorry you had to work a job you hate, to support the family you love, only… Read more »
“When she says it’s over, it’s over.”
It’s not just her (women) James. Men too get fed up and check out.
I was one of those men who decided it was over. I was married for 15 years. No, I did not leave my house. I would advise all men never to physically leave your home. Only if a court/judge orders you to do should you leave. You have every legal right to be there. Do not give up this right just because she says ‘Get Out!!’.
You’re right, of course. Gender pronouns are always a challenge on The Good Men Project.
Interesting to see this given that recently we had an article posted entitled Do Women Ever Dump Guys By Mistake – and according to several women in the comments, they do.
So maybe not always over when she says it’s over, although frankly I personally wouldn’t bother.
goodmenproject.com/featured-content/do-women-ever-dump-men-by-mistake-hesaid/
It’s a valid point, but I don’t think it negates the fact that at the moment “it’s over” means that it’s over. There may be regrets down the road, but that’s another barrel of monkeys.
Sure maybe women sometimes make a mistake in dumping someone, but it’s their mistake to make and nothing you can do is going to fix that; they have to come to that realization (or not) on their own. I’m reminded of a great dialogue in the movie Swingers in regards to this:
“There’s the Rub” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GgmjRRpY-k
Great article! I’ve been there too James, thanks for putting it in perspective.
Thanks much, Ryan, and thanks for that clip!
That’s as may be, but if you happen to find yourself in that situation it is still better to walk away. For one thing that relationship will be damaged forever, you will not be able to trust her any more, and you might feel like a doormat. To make a clean break is always best; if she changes her mind later, you can say “too late, honey!” and I promise, at some point in the future you will feel better for it. Knowing that you are the one who refused to beg, grovel or have games played on you feels… Read more »
Oh, I agree entirely. I wouldn’t go back for seconds, nor would I recommend anyone else to. But it’s just interesting how the testimony of actual women overturns the generalisation.
James, are you psychic??? I JUST reached out to a mutual friend of ours last night, who, I’m afraid, probably thinks I’m absolutely nuts, because I have not one but TWO hangers-on who have crossed over to the stalker phase. It’s so bad, pretty soon, I’m going to have to call the police. I got a “love letter” in the mail today. *sigh* This topic is particularly relevant to me because as my “star” rises with my writing and my radio program, my coveted anonymity isn’t so anonymous anymore >.< Thank you for writing this. It was timely. I needed… Read more »
That’s a whole other level of Thing That Wouldn’t Leave. Sorry to hear you’re dealing with that, Carlette. Be safe and good luck.
Don’t wait. File the restraints now. I wish I could explain the lunacy of these guys but it’s beyond me.
Hi James, Thanks for writing this. I broke up with my ex over a year ago (almost 2 years now!) but I still get messages from him every other week. I have asked him multiple times to please, please leave me alone, but he won’t. The harassment is especially upsetting because he has a girlfriend (of over a year) and the messages he sends me often feel really inappropriate. Sometimes, he tells me he’ll never find the kind of love he had with me again. His girlfriend is my coworker. I hate how these messages make me feel. It’s truly… Read more »
Cheers, Jessica. I’m sorry you’re in that spot. I know it’s a tough one.