Have you ever found yourself seething or painfully disappointed with your partner or someone you’re dating and then shocked to discover they have no idea why?
Chances are, the reason is one of the biggest sources of resentment in relationships. Get rid of it and your relationship will not only be happier, it’ll be more likely to last.
It happens in nearly every relationship, but it’s 100% avoidable.
What is it?
Having unexpressed expectations.
It’s failing to communicate what you want or need. This is essential. I don’t care how great they are, you are, or your relationship is. Unless your partner is an actual mentalist or telepath (I doubt they are) you can’t expect them to be a mind reader.
Unexpressed expectations are the seeds of resentment.
Your silence is the water that these seeds of resentment need to grow fast and strong.
When this happens repeatedly it can kill your relationship because it can lead to your partner treating you in a way you don’t like, or not treating you in the way that you need, on an ongoing basis. So you always feel uncared for and disappointed.
Yet, it’s unfair to expect your partner to meet expectations they’re unaware you have.
Imagine you were given an exam. You answered every question correctly, but when you get your grade back it’s an F. You’d be very confused!
At first, the teacher refuses to tell you why. Then when you press for a reason, they reveal to you that you lost 50 points for not writing an essay on the last page. When you look on the last page there’s not a prompt telling you to write an essay.
How could you have known to write one? And one what subject??
Without communicating the expectations for the test, the teacher set you up to fail, even though you did all you thought was required to succeed.
This is what happens in your relationship if you don’t express your expectations.
What leads to unexpressed expectations?
If unexpressed expectations are so damaging, you might think we’d all steer clear of them. But there are a few reasons why we might now.
You don’t want to appear needy.
Sometimes it comes out of what seem like good intentions. You want to put the other person’s needs before your own to not be selfish.
This may seem admirable. It can seem like a virtue. But it isn’t. That’s because if you have a wish or a need inside you, it’s hard to deny it. And it’s better if you don’t.
You’re afraid they won’t want to meet them.
To this I’d say, they might surprise you. And if they refuse, don’t you want to know sooner rather than later?
Give them the benefit of the doubt by giving them a chance and letting them know.
You think they should already know what you expect.
While this doesn’t necessarily have to require mindreading, you could expect certain things because you consider them good manners, or common courtesy, or just as a matter of course.
But the truth is that you and your partner have had two different sets of experiences previous to meeting one another. So your expectations could be foreign to them.
You want them to see you as strong, self-sufficient, and independent.
“Independence” is way overhyped. We are all interdependent, especially when it comes to life with your partner.
It’s better to acknowledge this and demonstrate your strength by clearly expressing your expectations. Vulnerability leads to increased intimacy, so don’t be afraid to express your needs.
How to avoid harboring unexpressed expectations
Don’t say you’re “fine” when you aren’t.
We have probably all done this at some point, sometimes with a door slam and sometimes with a smile on our faces. Both are wrong.
Do express your true feelings and thoughts in a calm and considerate manner.
Remember that the words you use are only 7% of the message. The way you say them and your non-verbal communication make up the rest.
Don’t agree to things you don’t like or want to do.
Some things you may not be able to compromise on. Recognize when this happens and be honest. Doing things you agreed to when you don’t want to leads to resentment. Big time.
Do tell them what you are willing to agree to.
Even if this includes alternate suggestions.
Don’t turn down their help, time, or support, if you need it or could use it.
While this isn’t silence, it is lying, which is never good in a relationship.
Do ask for help, time, or support when you need it.
Don’t expect them to just “know.”
Figure out what you expect from your partner
Sometimes our expectations aren’t apparent to us. So it’s worth asking ourselves this question.
What you expect could be their presence, encouragement, support, a present, help, contribution, or even willingness to babysit your nephew with you one Friday a month.
It could be that they put the garbage out every Tuesday night so you don’t have to do it. It could be anything.
This is not about judging whether your expectations are right or wrong.
Everyone has different expectations when it comes to relationships. And that’s fine. What works for your parents, siblings, friends, or me may not work for you. Every relationship is different.
One woman I know expects flowers from her partner on her birthday, Mother’s Day, and Valentine’s Day. Meanwhile, I’ve told my husband not to ever get me flowers on Valentine’s Day or Mother’s Day because they are so overpriced on those holidays I can’t enjoy them. People are different!
When you’re first dating this can be a challenge because you’re each bringing expectations from your family of origin, your culture, your personality, and your past relationships.
But unexpressed expectations aren’t just a problem in new relationships. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and it still happens from time to time.
This can happen in long-term relationships because after so much time together we expect our partner to know us so well that we no longer have to tell them certain things. We expect their empathic accuracy to be high — meaning their ability to read cues hidden in our emotions and body language (and sometimes words) to determine what we need, think or feel.
But this is not always the case and shouldn’t be relied upon.
Express yourself and encourage your partner to do the same
Happiness rewards those who are honest and direct. There’s no award given for the couples who know what each other wants with the fewest number of words.
A much better approach is to say what you mean and mean what you say. This gives both you and your partner clarity — and increases your chances for success and satisfaction in your relationship.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Kristina Flour on Unsplash
