When Things Aren’t Right at Home

I’m out and I run into a couple that I know. She used to live across the hall from me, and he still lives in my building. They’ve been seeing each other for a while. I’ve never seen her happier.

It’s not the typical relationship.

They’re always smiling.

It’s butterflies.

“Colleen,” he says. “You look happy. We were saying you look more beautiful than in all the time we’ve known you because of it.”

“I am happy,” I say. “Thanks.”

I met my neighbor at a low point in my life. I was fresh out of my marriage. Despite being the one who chose to initiate a divorce, my ex-husband had nearly taken me down.

I was friendly.

I would stop and chat.

But my smile was external, not internal.

Later that evening, I’m chatting with them again. We’re talking about marriage, divorce, and happiness. We’re discussing the choices we make to remain in an unhappy relationship, or to get out of it.

“It’s hard to leave a marriage,” he says. “It takes action. It’s why a lot of men don’t do it.”

“I get that,” I say.

“But I had to do it,” he says.

“Me, too,” I say.

“I’m happy even though it wasn’t easy,” he says.

I’m glad that I left my husband.

Our foundation is our home.

Everything else in our world stems from it. It makes sense. It’s logical. It’s our emotional and physical center. Our happiness and well-being are sourced from our foundation.

I knew this.

Until one day, it haunted my own life.

Nothing was right at home…so nothing was right with the world.

I was miserably unhappy.

But I walked out the door every day…

Pretending that I wasn’t.

I mistakenly believed the world deserved more of me than I did. I was ashamed that I was failing at home, and at my marriage. I believed couple camouflage would protect my world.

It would protect my children.

There was nothing more important.

As a marketer, I typically ask one question, “Tell me about the time when your business was profitable.” I do this intentionally. I go back to the genesis.

The answer to our problems, typically lies in their origin.

If I can determine when a shift occurred, I can identify the cause.

I can solve the riddle.

This is how I’m able to reverse a loss, get beyond a break-even, and increase profits. I distinguish the cause, and the behaviors associated with it.

It’s far less complicated, yet more complicated than it seems.

Our relationships are no different.

They are far less complicated, yet more complicated than they seem.

The least complex aspect?

Everything stems from our foundation. Our emotional and physical well-being depend upon it. And our relationships are at the core of that foundation.

Ironically, it’s the reason many choose to remain married.

Even when they are miserably unhappy.

They believe couple camouflage provides the strongest foundation for children. It doesn’t. It gives the physical appearance of a powerful foundation.

But the children aren’t living that.

They are living the emotional reality of two unhappy parents.

Kids are smart.

They recognize love.

Divorce isn’t easy. It’s messy. It’s unpleasant. It’s all the terrible things that you think it would be. It’s painful. It’s grief. It shakes up the foundation. A foundation that’s crying to be rebuilt.

But for those of us who have taken action…

It’s worth it.

Because when nothing is right at home…nothing is right with the world.

We can pretend.

We can lose our beauty.

We can smile externally, not internally.

We can convince ourselves that’s a better foundation for our children.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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