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As adults, we are thrust into society’s line of duty and responsibility. Quite literally we are thrust, there is no initiation from child to adult, we are just children trying to live in a world of all work and no play.
The other night, I and my fiancé were talking about our relationship. It has felt different lately; it has felt “heavy” and “stuck”. We seemed to be in a cycle of automated habits – habits that have not created a loving connection. Quite the opposite, in fact. As we sat there, I was trying to “fix us” with a stream of words, speaking my thoughts as I often liked to do, as always I felt frustrated by the way my fiancé seemed to close off to me when I tried to probe into her thoughts and feeling. Of course my “probing” being the cause of her closure.
I became silent for a couple of minutes, then quite spontaneously I spoke the following words: “I know what the problem is, and it’s not as big a deal as either of us think it is.” We sat in silence for a few more seconds, and then I said: “I am a boring old fuck”.
We looked at each other for a moment and a smile broke across both of our faces, a lightness filled my heart and I began to laugh, I laughed for about ten minutes straight.
It may sound strange to speak about myself like that and then break into hysterical laughter, but it was an emotional release for me. I realised that it was me all along creating the disconnection, the heaviness and the seriousness of our relationship, it simply wasn’t spontaneous or fun between us any more, because I hadn’t allowed it to be that way.
I had lost touch with such an important part of who I am: my playful child self.
My relationship didn’t need fixing, it was simply showing me, it was “mirroring” how I was showing up. My fiancé was that mirror, showing me that I was out of alignment with the truth of who I am.
I had lost my sense of fun, and my spontaneous expression. I rarely laughed or allowed myself to fully feel joy – I had become a “boring old fuck”.
Of course, it was only natural that neither of us was enjoying each other’s company as we once were.
I felt like I became a man in 2017. It happened so fast, my testosterone levels had spiked to an all-time high, I felt confident, assertive, and strong. I felt courageous, I became a leader.
I have always wanted to feel this way, so when it all began I became intoxicated by it, the power of what it felt like to be in my strength as a masculine man. If I am honest with myself, there has been fear around letting go of feeling like this, of allowing the vulnerability of my playful, childlike expression to come forth.
There is a light and a darkness to masculinity, the higher and lower energies. I have been mostly living in the latter.
I felt courage but lacked compassion, I felt strength but lacked kindness, I felt assertive but lacked empathy, I felt like a leader but lacked a sense of fun.
My “inner child” had been neglected, and this happens all the time in modern society: It’s easier that way, after all.
By being emotionless robots, we of course experience less emotion, avoiding the feeling of fear that some of our emotions can bring with them. It’s scary sometimes to feel fully, and to be the vulnerable children that we actually are, there is more risk, and there is more to lose.
To experience joyfully, we must experience sadness fully too; they go in hand in hand. To allow our spontaneous and often playful expression to come forth, we must first let go of control, and let’s face it: that is not an easy thing to do for the average adult.
Letting go of control is frightening because trying to control gives us a sense of empowerment. But of course, true empowerment (and a more happy and relaxed life I might add) comes from letting go and “flowing with the tide of life”.
We are children, all of us. We never truly lose that, we may suppress that fact, we may try to forget it, but we are children in adult bodies. We are children that thrive off of play, and spontaneous expression; children that crave to love and be loved, to be held, seen and heard.
We are children who want to have fun!
Play is when we learn the most—every animal learns through play. We are no exception.
We are born to play. So why do we suppress this part of ourselves? Why do we work at everything? Why do we make things so boring and uninteresting?
Of course, there are times in which to be serious, like when we must hold space for another’s heart when they feel lost and hurt, or when we are mourning the loss of a loved one… but that seriousness doesn’t need to turn into heaviness, a heaviness that suppresses our playful expression in the hours or days to come.
As we grow older, we seem to create this sense of worth, we begin at some point to think we need to be worthy and deserving of play and fun; that we must earn it through the grind of the working week: “I’ll get through this week, and then it will be the weekend, that’s when I’ll let go and have fun”.
We flick the switch off for the working week, and then we somehow expect to switch it back on at the weekend, and when that doesn’t happen, we turn to alcohol to reconnect with our spontaneously playful self.
You’ve seen it too right? … Men and women standing stiff as boards at the bar with their friends – drinking and drinking; loosening up more and more throughout the night, until eventually they let go, dancing wildly, laughing, shouting and playing.
It is so clear to me, as I am sure it is to you too: We all just want to play and have fun.
Now that doesn’t mean we need to quit our jobs and start playing with lego in our bedrooms.
Instead, it means that we must embody play in our everyday adult lives – allowing play to be who we are.
An embodiment.
We must begin to spontaneously express ourselves, and to find fun in all that we do. To not make things heavy and serious when there is no need for it to be that way, but instead to enjoy our lives with an open heart.
We must lead from our hearts.
We can be CEOs and still feel and express childlike joy from our hearts.
We can be parents who are responsible for our children’s lives, and at the same time let go and play with our children. Not just sitting on the bench at the park whilst they: “act all silly” – We can be silly too!
We can pay the bills and still have fun, and we can budget our finances and still be playful.
So when was the last time that you played?
I challenge you to reconnect with that part of you, to live your adult life whilst simultaneously being a child. To restore the balance of both, to take full responsibility for your life, and to have enormous fun doing so.
I challenge you to be fully present in the moment, letting go of control and worry.
I challenge you to let go of expected outcomes, to simply let life unfold before you with wonder and awe in your eyes.
I challenge you to live with an open heart, always.
Never forget your child within, let them breathe the fresh air, let them play; let them enjoy what life has to offer, and your adult life will prosper in riches that go way beyond the numbers in your bank account.
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Photo credit: Getty Images