To be “the man” in a relationship, you need to own your part of it, not hers or his.
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I heard this story from Dr. Patrick Carnes in a small conference he was speaking at in Houston. It truly touched my heart when I heard it. I embellished his story a bit to fill it out, but its driving message is exactly the same as I heard him tell it.
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During his quest for the Holy Grail, Sir Lancelot came to learn of a witch who could tell him where to find the lost relic. The gallant knight set out at once to meet this witch, hoping she will have the answer to his ultimate quest. Upon arriving at the witch’s hut, Sir Lancelot found her to be a quite old and ugly woman, even for a witch. He asked the witch if she indeed had knowledge of the Holy Grail’s location.
“I do indeed,” the old and ugly witch replied, “but I will only tell you on one condition.”
“What is it? Name your price witch!” Sir Lancelot boldly stated.
“I only ask for one thing, brave knight, before I tell you what I know. For you see, I wish to have Sir Galahad’s hand in marriage.”
Sir Lancelot was stunned by this odd request. He could easily slay a monster, dual a champion, or stoically endure all manner of hardships; but to ask a fellow knight, to marry this old and ugly hag — and a witch no less! — was beyond him. Nevertheless, his quest to find the Holy Grail was his absolute duty as a knight, a quest he could not abandon. Reluctantly, Sir Lancelot agreed to relay the witch’s wishes to Sir Galahad and quickly left. As he rode away, he feared it would be a fool’s errand and he would have to find the Holy Grail another way.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeWith much haste, Sir Lancelot rendezvoused with Sir Galahad and told him of his encounter with the old and ugly witch. Sir Galahad was equally shocked by the witch’s bizarre condition. Yet he also understood the great importance the quest for the Holy Grail was for his comrade to accomplish. After giving it some thought, Sir Galahad agreed to fulfill the witch’s sole condition for Sir Lancelot, but first wanted to meet this strange woman alone. With a mixture of regret and relief, Sir Lancelot told his son where he could find the witch.
Throughout his journey to meet this old and ugly witch, Sir Galahad was plagued with doubt about his decision. What if Sir Lancelot’s descriptions of this witch’s appearance were true, or worse, an understatement? Was he about to make a truly regretful sacrifice for the sake of his comrade’s quest? Despite these haunting doubts, Sir Galahad pressed on to the witch’s hut. When he finally arrived, Sir Galahad dismounted his steed and entered the hut to find the witch waiting inside. The knight found that she was indeed as old and as ugly as Sir Lancelot had told him.
“Did your fellow knight tell you of my condition, Sir Galahad?” the witch sternly asked.
“He did, witch.”
“Well then… will you marry me good knight?”
After a momentary pause, Sir Galahad replied, “Yes, I will marry you.”
As he spoke this to her, the old and ugly witch quickly transformed into a beautiful and elegant woman in front of his very eyes. Before Sir Galahad could respond, the now beautiful woman stated,
“Since you have accepted my hand in marriage dear knight, you must now choose how I shall appear before you and others.”
Confused, Sir Galahad asked her to clarify what she meant.
“It is simple Sir Galahad. I may either appear as the beautiful woman you see now in court and elsewhere in the kingdom but return to the old and ugly hag you saw before while in our bedchamber, or I may appear as the old and ugly hag while in court and elsewhere in the kingdom but become this beautiful woman in our bedchamber. How do you want me to be with you, husband?”
The stunned knight bowed his head in contemplation. After a moment had passed, Sir Galahad faced the beautiful woman standing before him and said, “Whichever you choose, wife. I will let you decide.”
The beautiful woman joyously responded to Sir Galahad shouting, “Thank you kind husband! I can now remain this beautiful woman both in the court and in our bedchamber because you have allowed me to have dominion over myself.”
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As I was listening to this story, I imagined the “honorable” answer Sir Galahad would choose would be the latter option: letting her be ugly in public so she would be beautiful in private. I sincerely believed this was the right choice because I thought it was the more “sacrificial” option for the knight to make. But when I heard Sir Galahad make the unmentioned third option of letting her chose for herself, I was completely blown away.
But the knight chose neither option and let her decide for herself.
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I quickly felt guilty about my earlier assumption of the story’s moral direction. I realized at that moment that my belief about the second option being more “sacrificial” and therefore right was actually faulty when I took a more honest look at it. Turns out that my choice wasn’t really sacrificial for the knight; he still got to “enjoy” her in private while she may have had to endure public ridicule for being ugly in their sight. Even if the second option presented by the woman was sacrificial for the knight, it wasn’t truly honorable beneath the surface because it would still be his choice as to how she lived her life.
Think about that! Sir Galahad was given two options by which the woman would live her life that would ultimately entail complete control over her: either “you be attractive before others for my sake” or “you only be beautiful before me for my sake.” But the knight chose neither option and let her decide for herself. In other words, he relinquished his supposed right to control her by letting her chose how to live her own life. Doing so allowed the woman to simply be herself, which is always beautiful for any woman to be.
Talk about a poignant revelation!
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So much of our masculinity as men has been tied up in our ability to control, whether it’s in controlling the environment, nature, companies, peoples, nations, or our families. We men are led to believe that it is in dominating the things and people around us that our manhood is ultimately proven. Otherwise, what good are we as men? What power do we really have?
A man truly evokes his masculinity by taking ownership of his own life, not in trying to own the lives of everyone else.
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In our desperate attempts to prove our worth externally, we lost sight of where that worth is truly found — within us, in our character.
A man has to change himself before he could ever positively influence anyone else. A man first seeks to channel his will and abilities for the good of all, not in controlling others for only his good. A man is open to being accountable for his actions with himself and others without casting blame on everything outside of him. A man is more concern about his personal boundaries and how he treats others than he is about other people’s superficial actions. A man understands the difference between being responsible for those who depend on him and being abusive towards those same dependents. A man truly evokes his masculinity by taking ownership of his own life, not in trying to own the lives of everyone else.
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Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that men are the only ones who do this; some women are equally guilty of trying to control the lives of those around them. However, for better and for worse, our society has been predominately patriarchal historically and culturally. So we, as men, need to own up to that reality — our drive to control others has developed this cultural patriarchy that has not been so kind to women, other men, foreigners, and the planet.
What is a first step we can all take to reverse this trend among men? As I mentioned earlier, we can start by taking ownership of our own lives, however that authentically looks like for you. Then we can be in a position to take a page from Sir Galahad’s example and practice relinquishing our need to control others so they can become their beautiful true selves.
To be “the man” in a relationship, you need to own your part of it, not hers or his.
Photo Credit: John Jewell/flickr
Hi Jonathan,
I have a challenge for you.
Try being in a relationship for a period of time, a couple of years, 5, 10, maybe more.
And whenever your girlfriend/wife asks for your opinion or direction on any kind of matter, try to answer:
“Whichever you choose, wife. I will let you decide.”
I seriously doubt that will turn out very well in the long run.