Lately, every time I see my child I feel like a bad parent.
I’m internalizing thoughts that I’m a bad mother right now, and my son isn’t even here. It’s not because I sat down to write this article, no. It’s because on Valentine’s Day I didn’t ask my son to be my Valentine like I planned. Like I should have.
I am writing this article as much for me as I am for you. I know the coping skills needed to assuage the shame I feel. I know now I need validation just like you do that I’m not alone feeling like a shit parent because of my mental illnesses.
I got on here today to make sure you know you’re not alone. I find myself feeling validated as well, learning one in five women are affected by a perinatal mental illness including depression, anxiety disorders, and postpartum psychosis. But if struggling mothers don’t find each other somehow, we will all remain lost, having only a vague sense of solidarity created by statistics.
Fathers often feel lost, too, but don’t receive the support they want and need from healthcare professionals, going so far as being told their mental health isn’t of concern since they haven’t given birth. These fathers are left to support a possibly struggling mother and child, while receiving no support themselves. Fathers are being completely overlooked, as if it wasn’t apparent their mental health affects the family unit just as much as the mother’s.
Then enter the studies floating around suggesting that perinatal mental disorders are linked to an increase in psychological and behavioral problems in children. The paper states in the sentence directly after this that, “risks are not inevitable.” Doesn’t matter now, right? There is a link.
When I first heard this information, my skin froze over in fear. Did yours? I have, not one, but two mental disorders, one of them being the ‘Big Bad Bipolar Disorder.’ I have read and heard discussions regarding the ethics of having children if a bipolar diagnoses has been given…shame, guilt, doubt…that’s your cue.
So, how do we process this feeling of being a bad parent? How do we remember that we are doing the best we can, day after day, and that is enough?
3 Ways to Silence the Negative Inner Chatter That Makes You Doubt Your Parenting Skills
Rewiring your thought processes is no easy task. This is hard stuff, but please be resilient, and don’t give up until you truly believe you are the best parent you could be for your child. That parent is inside of you right now.
You will feel like a different parent, maybe even a different person. This mindset adjustment will transform you and your relationship with your child. Let’s embark on this journey together.
Talk to Someone About Your Heavy Emotions
This can be extremely difficult since this requires us to speak our shame and guilt.
At first, confessing these feelings to a trusted loved one or professional will feel terrifying. For me, these terrors manifest in the unfounded fear that my child will be taken from me. Even more simply, I don’t want this other person, whom I love and respect, to know that I feel I’m failing at the most important job I’ve ever been given or ever will receive.
The standard, immediate response is, “You’re not a bad parent!” Which kind of feels good, but doesn’t relieve the mental agony. But then it’s time to get into the why. Confession time.
The beautiful thing about talking this through, especially with someone who knows you very well and loves you very much, is that when your “failures” hit the air in the room, you start to realize that you’re really not all that horrible.
In fact, if you were actually a bad parent, you wouldn’t worry so much about it. Bad parents don’t care that they’re bad. Great and okay parents are concerned with how well they’re raising their children. Take it easy on yourself. I’m guessing that 90 percent of parents fall into the “just okay” category. Just ask around.
Your vision and thinking will begin to clear as you talk about these emotions. You start to see another perspective: that many parents struggle with mental illnesses, and even more deal with feelings of being an inadequate parent.
Talk to me if there is no one else you feel you can confide in. Strangers are great for that. Please don’t suffer in silence. Just DM me.
Remember the Positive Qualities You Possess with Cognitive Reframing
This is so much easier said than done, I know, but you are a highly complex being. You are not only what makes your physical body, but also what makes your mind, your consciousness, and your soul.
[T]here is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us…
-Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 417
The “Big Book” of AA contains many nuggets of wisdom, but this one is my all-time favorite. No matter what you have done, you cannot forget that there is goodness inside you.
When the negative inner dialogue begins and you start hearing about how terrible of a parent you are, this is when you give your own mind a gentle talking to.
I use a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) technique called cognitive reframing. Cognitive restructuring is the use of this technique in a therapeutic environment under the guidance of a counselor. The concept of reframing was born from the idea that the frame, an individual’s view of a situation or set of circumstances, is the window through which their point-of-view emerges. The goal of reframing is to shift the frame until their point-of-view is shifted as well.
You may have to shift your frame several times before it will stay in its new position. This technique is not a one-time cure-all. You keep coming back to reframe your point-of-view until it finally sticks, and new thought patterns emerge to replace the old ones that no longer serve you.
If you find yourself continuing to struggle to grasp the reframing technique, it would behoove you to seek out professional assistance in cognitive restructuring. Below are some of my common, negative thoughts surrounding parenthood and how I choose to reframe them.
Original Frame:
I am not an attentive mother, and fail to provide for my son’s needs.
Reframed:
There is a huge difference between being a sedated couch potato, and sitting mindfully. Neither is difficult. If I must sit, I will sit where I am in the present moment. Even if I don’t have the energy or motivation to be as active as I’d like to be with my child, I can still be very engaged and attentive from a spot on the rug.
I will observe the wonder and magic of a toddler playing. We will engage in meaningful conversations that prompt my sweet 4-year-old to climb into my lap. When I scroll down my mental checklist of my son’s needs, I realize they’re actually all met except for one. Lunch time!
Original Frame:
I know I am damaging my child’s early development with too much screen time.
Reframed:
I already know my son is supposed to have no more than one hour of screen time a day. This is a clear guideline, but I often have trouble following it. I am guilty of using a screen as a babysitter.
One thing is clear to me and every healthcare professional that has ever examined my son: he is not developmentally delayed at this point. He is just fine.
I could cut him back a bit, and that would be ideal. It would be good for his development and for my to-do list to explore age-appropriate, independent play. While reducing screen time would undoubtedly be beneficial, especially if replaced with something enriching, I must say that with each new normal development screening I become more and more relieved.
The screen time wasn’t as damaging as I feared, but that doesn’t change the fact that there are definitely better activities to engage with than a screen. I still would like to figure out how to reduce screen time from about two hours down to one hour a day, but my mindset is not the same. As long as my kid stays on track developmentally, I am willing to bend a little on the screen time.
Original Frame:
I am a terrible parent.
Reframed:
What is terrible, exactly? Think of all the terrible parents you know, real or fictional. Seriously, do this. What makes these parents truly terrible? Abuse across the board, severe neglect, exploitation, and even murder. Terrible parents commit atrocious acts of anything you can imagine to their children.
Now, can I relate to any of these atrocities? Has my hand ever dealt a blow such as these? No? No. Alright, good. I’m at least a loving parent that cares for my toddler the best way I can every day I see him. As long as I continue to love my son without bounds, I will continue to-show up for him, and never be terrible.
Be Present with Your Child
I touched on this topic a bit already, but I gave engagement with your child its own section because it’s that important. It’s important because this tool will eradicate the thought that you’re a bad parent from your mind.
My first reframing example addressed this exactly. Staying truly present with my son without getting distracted has been challenging for me since he entered his toddler years.
I honestly have a hard time staying on a young child’s mental level for extended periods of time. My mind always wants to race off to the next thing, but my inquisitive little boy examines and processes every single thing along his path. Every. Single. Thing.
I used to get frustrated about his wandering pace as he let each and every one of his senses explore the subject of his gaze. One afternoon I gave up in defeat. It was like trying to move a mountain, trying to get my kid to just simply move faster.
I read in one blog or another to take the time to be fully present with your child. I decided to take a step back and investigate why my child’s bright-eyed innocence was so frustrating. I was always racing off for the next thing, often abandoning an unfinished task to chase the thing that seemed more appealing. I had a hard time just being still, and I still struggle with this sometimes if I let my meditation practice fall by the wayside.
I decided to, again, abandon a task and do the most appealing thing. This time, however, I wanted nothing more than to experience pure joy playing with my son. And I got it! Because how could I feel like a bad parent when I’m sitting on the rug with my child playing trains?
This is why this lesson is so important. It’s the engagement with our children that facilitates their cognitive development, along with our relationships with them. So, we know for a fact that just having playtime with our kids aids their cognitive development. To be absolutely clear, I’ll quote the article by Start Early that’s linked above.
Family engagement during the earliest years of a child’s life is one of the most powerful predictors of a child’s development. Families are children’s first teachers and it is the quality of parent-child relationships and interactions that create the foundational skills that children need to be successful in school and in life.
This is why engaging with my child has become the single most important factor in my quest to be a better parent. I make sure to read books, play trains (his favorite), and craft $10 DIY kits that are totally worth the mess. And we do have the occasional movie night.
I always hesitate before I claim something is impossible, so I will speak this as my own truth, and in my humble opinion, you should seek to make it yours, too. It will only help you.
It is impossible for me to harbor the idea that I’m a bad parent when actively engaging with my child.
This is my unwavering go-to solution when self-doubt starts slipping in and I start entertaining the self-critical notion that I am a bad parent. How can I believe I’m a bad mother when I know the playtime and conversations we’re having in this moment lay the the foundation of a successful life? I can’t!
There are books and online resources that instruct you on how to engage with your child if you’re drawing a blank. Here is a blog post to get you started.
I chose to write this article because I knew for a fact that I wasn’t the only one struggling to parent while affected by mental illness. I’m right here on this journey with you to better relationships with our children, which gives us a surprise gift in return for our hard work: a sense of inner peace.
Please share your coping skills in the comments so that we may all learn from each other!
Mental Health Resources
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal ideation, don’t hesitate to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1–800–273–8255, or visit their website.
Here are NAMI’s support and education resources.
If you are looking for mental health resources specifically designed for parents, check this out.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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