Ever felt like the state of your mind (and your actions based on that state) was being dictated by others’ words/actions?
I’ve been through that feeling, especially a few years ago, when I went through a divorce that was financially unethical. Me and the ex had been living in my home for fifteen years and I’d been paying for mortgage, insurance, vacations, groceries etc. It was my choice to pay for it because she chose to work part-time and didn’t have enough finances to contribute towards common expenses, so I offered to cover most of it.
When the was divorce initiated, she told me that ‘she’s gonna go for a crazy settlement amount’.
‘What does crazy mean?’ I asked her.
‘I don’t know. I’ll think about it and let you know.’
‘When would that be?’
‘I don’t know. Right now, I’m going to Portugal for three weeks for a backpacking trip. I’ll think about it when I feel like it.’
And that was it. She initiated the divorce, bought flight tickets and took off. She’d send me photos of her sitting on the beach, having margaritas with friends, but nothing about how much money I might have to come up with.
I tried to overlook the ethical aspect of it — why would someone ask for a huge settlement amount when they chose to live for free for fifteen years? — but the practical financial aspect was unsettling, especially given how she was controlling me.
Controlling Me.
Was I really being controlled by someone else, or did I have other healthier options — options that I managed — that I wasn’t aware of?
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What’s it like to have others control your life
It’s common to have thoughts like: ‘The issues I’m facing right now are all because of what person X did’. And yes, there are times when others’ actions do affect you — no doubt about it — but that’s the past.
Is it fair that what someone said/did days, months or years ago has to alter your present and future in a negative manner? Sometimes, the effects of their words/actions can linger in our minds and bodies for longer than they deserve to, causing feelings of frustration, worry, tiredness etc. Also, what happens in the mind affects the body (and vice versa), so it can manifest physically as well.
But you are the owner of the home of your mind and body, and it’s your choice to decide who to let in, when, and for how long.
Life is precious and every moment that’s spent not living the way you want to, is one moment subtracted from your time on earth. There’s no shortage of instances where others’ actions/words can keep on subtracting that time, if you let them.
You’re having your favorite meal on a Friday night — something you’ve been looking forward to for days — and when you sit down and start eating, your mind wanders to how person Y sent you a hurtful text message a couple of days ago, how you wanted to reply with an angry note but were unsure what to say, how you’re wishing you’d never met them…it keeps bouncing around, and the next thing you know, the meal’s over. You didn’t get to soak in its deliciousness or cherish even a few bites.
What ought to have been fifteen lovely minutes of your life, ended up being fifteen frustrating and draining minutes, time that’s debited from your precious life, all because of someone else’s actions taking control of your mind.
As an alternative, what if the actions you take are driven from a mindset that’s beneficial and healthy for you, a mindset that allows you to both:
a) address the hurt you’re feeling from the text message, and,
b) enjoy your meal.
How would that feel?
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How to regain control of your thoughts and actions
1. Say it out loud and reflect:
‘My thoughts and actions are being dictated by someone else right now. I ought to enjoy my meal, but instead, I’m choosing to forego that and focus on how Y hurt me.’
How do your mind and body feel when you said the above statement? Is there a sense of pushback?
It’s important to ask this question (even though it sounds negative), because that’s when you viscerally realize that you’re hurting yourself — not the other person — by allowing your thoughts and actions to be managed by others. When you realize the unfairness of that, there’s no doubt in your mind as to what actions to take; it’s a matter of when to make that change of ownership.
When I asked myself that question, I got an unambiguous answer from my mind and body: ‘What? Why are you doing this to us? We decide what we want to do, not the ex! This is our life, not hers.’
2. Explore:
Now that you’re clear about the fact that you don’t want Y to drive the cab of your mind, think about what alternative options you have. Are there some aspects you can change/control? If yes, identify them and start doing the work you need. ‘I will journal my thoughts about this after dinner. It’ll give me a clear insight into my deep feelings and that’ll help me make a better decision. But right now, I’m going to focus on enjoying this lovely dinner. Forget Y and their actions. Plain and simple.’
There might be aspects that aren’t in your control — like how Y would respond to your reply — but you’re doing the best you can, while preventing rumination and frustration from taking over your mind.
It took me a while to get to that point, but I had to assume she was going for X dollars and then figure out how to come up with that money. I started looking at financing options, talking with banks, trying to plan things to the extent I could. There was stuff that was outside my control, but, because I was focusing on the part that was within my control — rather than worrying about what wasn’t — I felt less stressed and more confident. I didn’t have that feeling of dangling off the rope that someone else held.
3. Remind:
Think about other moments in your life when you handled tough situations; it doesn’t have to involve others’ actions. The key is to use that reminder to build self-trust in your ability to manage tough moments, regardless of their source. ‘I went through a tough family situation where things were quite messy, but I was able to resolve the issue amicably for my family. Given that reminder, I have more trust in myself to handle this relatively-small issue of Y bothering me with their text message.’
Personally, I thought about how I’d been through several life challenges — my seven-year-old being in a train that got derailed and fell down sideways, me almost drowning while in a raft in the Ganga river, going through hurtful moments in my marriage and coming out of it — and that helped boost my self-trust. ‘Yes, I’ve handled tough things and I will manage this as well. It’s a matter of time.’
4. Thank yourself:
Yay! You rerouted your mind from going down the unhealthy unproductive route of a life where you’re dangled by Y, to a healthy and self-caring path where you decide where your precious mind goes. It’s a step in the direction of healing. ‘Thank you, my beautiful self, for choosing to make the right decision. I love this meal and I love that I have a plan for how to address the issue that’s bothering me. I feel more confident and at ease now.’
…
This isn’t an overnight change. Like all growth opportunities, it takes time. I like to think of it as:
Consistency + Self-trust = Progress.
Reflecting upon my journey along this path, I know that while there’s plenty of room to keep growing — it’s a journey after all, not a destination — I have made progress. And the more I remind myself of that progress, my ability to control my state of mind grows exponentially.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Martha Bergmann on Unsplash
