Who Truly Disappoints You

The most common thing is for us to immerse ourselves in disappointment, sadness, anger, confusion, or a sense of helplessness when we find ourselves playing the role of victims in a scene.

This is very common and occurs in the most different contexts of our lives: it’s a spouse who should act this way or that way, and that upsets us; it’s our neighbor who always does something we don’t agree with; it’s our child who doesn’t tidy up their room as we ordered; it’s our colleague at work who treats us in a way we don’t like; it’s that parent who never acknowledges all our efforts; etc… There are countless examples we have in our lives, just as there are several cases where this can be applied.

Of course, our annoyances are quite useful to us, as they provide us with topics that feed our everyday conversations and complaints. But the truth is: our annoyances and conflicts are not always caused by all these characters — at least not directly. As strange as it may sound to you, the truth is that many of your hurts, angers, resentments, and sadness are caused by nothing less than your thoughts that insist on wanting to argue with reality.

The story you tell and the reason you suffer is a story about how you think something should be. And, to your disappointment (because it is), this story is the result of your expectation that in no way corresponds to reality. In other words, your suffering may originate from your need for something or someone to be exactly what they are not.

Once aware of this, it is up to you to do a little work on yourself to realize how your thoughts may be creating your own suffering.

There is an exercise widely used in Coaching created by Byron Katie (1942), an American, aptly named The Work. It comes with a series of inquiries to be applied whenever we are simply annoyed or even enraged by someone or some situation.

Here is the list of questions. If you wish, do it. Be calm, open-minded, and be very honest in your answers. Write down the name of who or what, and the type of real feeling that this person or thing causes you.

It is advisable to do it with one person or situation at a time.

The Work

1st) Who infuriates, confuses, saddens, or disappoints you, and why? What don’t you like about them?

2nd) How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?

3rd) What should they do or not do, think or feel? What advice could you give them?

4th) Do you need anything from them? What do they need to do for you to be happy?

5th) What do you think of them? Make a list.

6th) What do you not want to feel again with this person?

If you do this small exercise and have the honesty to answer it as it should be, it will not be difficult to realize that no one — and nothing — has the power to hurt you. To your joy, this is totally your work.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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