You can believe you and your family are above the Ashley Madison affair, that your faith and integrity could never waver. Never is a strong word.
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I hear every day how people’s lives get out of control.
Maybe because they made a destructive choice. Maybe because someone did something to them. Maybe because life has handed them a painful unexpected tragedy, and is now a fact that they are going to have to endure.
Take the the recent murders of the young news anchor and her teammate. We shake our heads in disbelief about how someone could justify such perceived revenge. We simultaneously fear and respect how fragile life itself is.
But what about the Ashley Madison scandal?
Many people are laughing.
I have known about Ashley Madison for quite a while. You couldn’t go to a marital therapy conference within the last few years without hearing about it.
Folks are obtaining “the list.” Seeing who is on it, peeping in someone else’s windows. Peering lasciviously into their lives with giggles or disdain.
I am not advocating affairs. I am not “sticking up” for people who are purposefully deceitful.
But I know people make mistakes. And hurt others when they do, all the time.
I realize there can be a back story. Reasons. Maybe there are motivations that the uninvolved don’t understand.
I would imagine many of the people who used the website didn’t care who they might hurt. They justified their choice in some way. They used the site over and over. Or maybe their partner knew, and was doing it as well. What’s termed an open marriage or even a polyamorous lifestyle.
Today, they still might not be concerned. They may not care that their behavior has tremendous impact on others. If so, those people may have emotional problems far greater than they imagine, maybe even a sexual addiction.
I imagine there are many others who are ashamed.
You can believe if you want to – that something like this would never happen to you. That you and your family are above all that. Your faith or your integrity could never waver.
Never is a strong word.
Someone comes in, broken up with grief that their partner, who they “never thought” would have an affair, has done so. They are lost in what to do, how to handle the pain.
I choose compassion.
Maybe it’s someone who has immense guilt, that she or he has betrayed their own moral code. They have desperately hurt someone they love, and betrayed a way of living for their children to see. They have involved others in what may be her or his own unhappiness.
Now they are willing to take responsibility.
I also choose compassion.
Maybe my patient is someone who has gone outside their partnership, sharing there was abuse at home. They searched for solace. Understanding.
I choose compassion.
It is far simpler to think of the families of the Virginia shooting victims. Send them prayers and thoughts to somehow recover from a loss all of us dread.
These families also have a tragedy. Someone chooses deceit. And Ashley Madison is there, ready and waiting. With a willing partner.
Pieces of lives have to be picked up, and put together in a whole new way. Whether the marriage is over. Or not. Individuals have to look at themselves, very hard. They have to find, in themselves, what they were perhaps searching for in someone else.
Look at “the list” if you want to.
Please realize one thing.
You may need compassion from others one day. Perhaps now is the time to give it.
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Originally appeared at Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Reprinted with permission.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
Yes, life has many grey zones, and collectively, the Hack is one of those zones.
However, the people I have no compassion for whatsoever are the blood-suckers that created, ran, or profited off of the dark side of the human condition. I sincerely hope this whole thing brings them into complete financial ruin. As much as the cheaters may disgust many people, the coldly calculating enablers should earn the ire of all.
I would agree Chad that they, and others like them, are putting their energy into something that can do extreme harm. They can hide behind that no one “has” to get on the website. It’s their choice. I know I would’t be able to look myself in the eye in the morning. Thanks so much for commenting.
I know how some men get angry when women call men out for cheating, but Dr Margaret, I expect more from you , yes, because you are a woman. I am surprised and disappointed, because defend the cheating men and blame women who say it is wrong.
Why do we as women act so ugly and rude to our gender? What is wrong with us? Don’t defend these cheaters. Stop turning this fiasco around on others.
Jean I am not defending the action. And women are on the site as well, far fewer but they are there. I am simply calling for compassion to those who admit they have hurt someone. Thanks again.
I think more compassion would do us all a lot of good. Sometimes I think the internet has become a form of passive-aggressiveness onto itself. But I will say that while I totally agree with your article Dr.Margaret, why was there such a huge gap between the men that signed up to cheat and women who did? Why were so many more men looking for sex outside their marriage? Why do we hear of so many beautiful famous women whose husbands step out on them? Can women in general just not hope for too much loyalty in the face of… Read more »
@ Erin, “Why were so many more men looking for sex outside their marriage?” Perhaps they are not getting sex in their marriage Erin. “Can women in general just not hope for too much loyalty in the face of all the options men still seem to want to explore?” Well, maybe it is because women seem to get to “experience” and “explore” before they get married? Most men who become their future husbands never get that opportunity while hoping to experience it in marriage only to be greatly disappointed. Not only are we disappointed, but often the women we love… Read more »
Thanks Erin and Jules. I am not sure where you are getting your stats Jules but I would love to see the sources. I realize many men are viewing porn. I don’t necessarily want to blame their spouses for that – that they are not getting enough sex in their marriages. I have been involved in cases where women were actively seeking sex with their spouses, and because watching porn reduces your ability to get excited by normal sex, there were terrible problems and an inability to perform. Erin, I have seen more and more infidelity in both genders, although… Read more »
Jules – so basically it’s all women’s fault that men cheat. Got it.
Dr. Margaret – I think in this day and age, if female celebrities where cheating on their spouses like male celebrities are, we would hear about it. Especially among all the other ways we like tear female celebrities down.
But it still doesn’t account for the huge, huge gap in the amount of men signed up for Ashley Madison vs women. I would still like to know what the cause of that gap is.
Which article did you read Jean?
I don’t think it is the same one I just read.
I work with people every day on perspective – someone can read or hear something and it goes through their filter. I appreciate Elissa you saying that your perspective was different. Thanks for writing.
Don’t put the guilt on others.
Jean, interesting view yet I don’t believe I am. Thanks for commenting.