Why Anxious Preoccupied Individuals End Up in Unlabeled Dynamics

When we engage in a new dynamic, it feels exciting. You’ve most likely “put yourself back out there,” given dating another chance, and there’s a chance you’ve found someone you connect with.

Okay, Tunde, plug in the piece on this being the wrong approach and break down what I did wrong.

That’s not what I am here to do!

I am here to tell you what potentially will go wrong if you don’t move forward with the correct approach and understanding the behaviors and values you value in relationships.

We look at the result of our relationships from the past and wonder what went wrong.

We look at how messy it got and think about when we lost control. Things spiral out of control.

Before you know it, we feel like we have lost ourselves.

What happened? What went wrong?

You know I will relate 99% of my focus on attachment style and how it affects our relationships.

I want to focus on the anxious-preoccupied dynamic and show why you might find yourself in a continuous loop of failed relationships or the middle of a frustrating dynamic.

Before we get started, write down these five triggers: loneliness, abandonment, feeling lesser than, rejection, and feeling dismissed.

Throughout the article, we will refer to these, and you’ll notice the correlation that leads to ending up in this continuous cycle.

Meet and greet

When we meet someone new, having a vetting system is the first stepping stone toward finding the best fit for the relationship we’re looking for.

The first step in the wrong direction is bypassing that system because we get infatuated with the person across from us.

You create a story in your head about how great the person is. It outweighs the negatives they bring to the table.

Anxious individuals are often in a state of admiration.

Think about it. Whenever you think of one of your past failed relationships or the frustration in your current dynamic, you often start with a list of positives about your current or past partner, then head to the negatives.

They are fun and outgoing, challenge me, make me view life differently, and share special moments.

But.

Remember our list of triggers and words above? You are in the middle of feeling “lesser than” your partner or prospective partner.

You shine a light on their positive attributes and are willing to have the person in your life because “they’re so great.”

Your vetting system should ignore those qualities and focus on what attributes you are looking for before you commit to dating.

Everything after the word “but” is what you want in a relationship, but you put that aside to fit in a person’s life.

Now, they have control over the pace of the dynamic. (you) “What are we,” (them) “were having fun.”

Now, you are stuck in the cycle of chasing their validation.

More, please

Without you telling me, I can tell what type of person you are.

You’re great because you continuously put in the effort. When you see someone distancing themselves, you pull closer to solve the problem. When there is an issue in the dynamic, you’re the one to bring it up and search for a resolution. You always think of how you can be better for others.

I bet you think that’s great. Stop all of that right now.

I am not telling you these are bad qualities to have, but when they go without reciprocation, you will pin yourself in a hole you can’t get out of, becoming a people pleaser.

Remember our list!

You’re terrified if you are not the one to complete those tasks above, your current partner will leave. When they start to fade away, your abandonment wound kicks in, and your fear of being alone continues the cycle of behavior.

Instead of setting a boundary and drawing the line of respect, you will do whatever it takes to keep the person in your life with the hope that they will see your value and change.

Yes, I know, you’ve told yourself this one million times.

Do you want to know the ultimate form of showing your value? Stripping it from someone who is not showing you how valuable it is.

Read that three times and think about that concept.

Me, myself, and I

When we are alone and desire a relationship, it can be a horrible feeling unless we reframe our thinking.

Do you want to know the value of being alone?

You know what standard you created for what behaviors, characteristics, and values you want in your life, and you draw the line where you won’t settle.

That feeling is ten times better than being in a continuous loop of wondering why someone is not seeing our worth and value.

You think that being with someone who might change is better than being alone and waiting for the right person who fits YOUR standards.

I cannot allow you to use that logic for another minute of your life.

Your value should be seen in the mirror every morning.

Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings, click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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