Why Asking Men to “Do Better” Does More Harm Than Good

You’ve probably noticed it too — the way men are often conditioned to believe that masculinity means being dominant, aggressive, and emotionally detached.

My friend Melissa, who’s 43 and has been married for twenty-two years, lives this reality every day. She’s got a good relationship with her husband, a radiographer, but there’s one thing that drives her absolutely crazy: his dismissiveness.

Melissa loves her husband deeply, and she knows he cares about her too.

However, there are moments when she opens up about something important, maybe a problem she’s facing or even just a bad day, and instead of engaging, he brushes it off.

It’s not that he doesn’t love her — he does — but it’s like he’s been trained to think that showing too much care or emotion makes him less of a man.

You see, society has this way of telling men that strength is about being tough and stoic, not empathetic or vulnerable.

Boys grow up hearing phrases like “man up” or “don’t cry,” and they carry that baggage into adulthood. It’s no wonder Melissa’s husband sometimes struggles to really tune in when she needs him to.

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But here’s the thing. Melissa doesn’t want him to be perfect. She just wants him to understand that showing empathy and being present isn’t a weakness — it’s what makes a relationship thrive. And slowly, she’s been helping him see that being a strong man doesn’t mean shutting out your partner.

I read a post by Elizabeth Childs Kellyon, “Men, We Need You to Do Better,” and was shocked by the level of defensiveness from men.

Some were loud in expressing their discontent with the writer for asking them to do better.

One commenter went as far as denying he had ever witnessed abuse on women.

But one comment blew my mind. The person said men don’t talk about sexual assault on women because they don’t see it as a problem.

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Many wives, like Melissa, live with deep frustration because they keep telling their husbands that something he’s doing — or not doing — is causing them pain, but he never seems to change.

Melissa often wonders, “If I knew I was doing something that hurt him, I’d stop immediately. Why doesn’t he do the same for me?”

At first, she thought it was just her husband’s ego getting in the way when she asked him to address his dismissiveness or to take her concerns seriously. She chalked it up to the classic “men and their pride” stereotype.

But over time, Melissa began to realize something deeper was at play.

Many men don’t actually recognize these behaviors as harmful, let alone as something they need to change. Society has conditioned them to think that emotional detachment or brushing off concerns is normal — or even necessary — to uphold their idea of masculinity.

Melissa’s husband isn’t cruel or uncaring, but like so many others, he’s been taught to see emotional vulnerability as a weakness and to assume his way of navigating the world is fine as it is. It’s not easy for him to recognize how these patterns affect her.

Damn!

That’s a real problem that gets swept under the rug and at worst instigates hatred against men.

You see, some men view intimate relationships as a win-lose game. If the woman is venting her feelings, then she is winning and the man is losing.

As a result, these men may try to dominate and control the woman, telling her that she is illogical, out of control or just a pain to deal with.

Men often struggle to be motivated by the pain of women in their lives; instead, their actions are more frequently driven by their own discomfort. They may fail to see the woman in front of them as an independent person, viewing her primarily in relation to their own desires and needs — whether she is “sexy” enough or falling short in some way.

For a man to change, he must first experience his own discomfort. Hearing that his partner is unhappy may irritate him, but unless the discomfort of staying the same outweighs the effort it takes to change, he is unlikely to act.

Instead, he may endure her frustrations, viewing her emotional outbursts as just “the cost of being married,” and quickly dismiss the episode from his memory.

Because men seek to avoid pain at all costs — not her pain, but their own. Remembering her emotional expression is too uncomfortable, so they shut it out. For some, offering validation or emotional support is seen as unmanly.

Many hold the belief that being a “real man” means being stoic, domineering, and above emotional vulnerability. Validating their partner’s feelings is dismissed as a weakness, equated with losing their masculinity.

This mindset creates an imbalance in relationships. At first, a woman might find her partner’s macho confidence appealing, but over time, she feels boxed in. The only emotions he expresses might be anger or frustration.

Some men find it so emotionally overwhelming to listen to their partners that their escalating emotions manifest as anger or withdrawal.

Studies even show that during conflict, men’s pulse rates rise, making the situation feel unbearable to them. As a result, they may try to silence their partner or leave the room altogether, leaving her feeling controlled, dismissed, or abandoned.

This behavior often stems from viewing relationships through a lens of power and control. They believe never relinquishing power proves their significance as real men.

They may feel that indulging a woman’s emotions or validating her feelings threatens this sense of dominance. They approach relationships as though women need to be kept in their place, taught to “think rationally,” and discouraged from expressing emotions freely.

As Dr. Rhode explains, men are unlikely to change if their behavior is never challenged. If a woman tolerates disrespect or belittling treatment, her partner has no incentive to improve. Without consequences or a clear demand for better behavior, the dynamic remains unchanged.

Men and boys often face societal pressure to conform to harmful gender stereotypes, such as being tough, aggressive, and sexually dominant, while suppressing their emotions.

According to the Man Box 2024 study, half of young men feel pressured to appear strong, even when they are scared or nervous, and are discouraged from expressing their feelings, particularly to other men.

These harmful ideas contribute to violence against women, including rape, which is often motivated by a sense of entitlement rather than sexual desire.

Sexual violence, including the rape of other men, is typically about exerting power over someone perceived as weak or inferior. Most perpetrators face no legal consequences.

For women seeking help in these situations, advice often revolves around endurance — accepting degrading treatment rather than addressing the root issue. This perpetuates a cycle of control, leaving many women feeling marginalized and unheard.

While not all men are violent, all men can take action to challenge these damaging messages and behaviors.

Calling out or addressing abusive or disrespectful behavior — whether it’s a joke, a comment, or controlling actions toward a partner — helps prevent escalation and signals that violence is unacceptable.

True change, both individually and societally, requires challenging these outdated notions of masculinity and fostering a culture of mutual respect and emotional openness.

Creating a society where everyone is safe, equal, and respected requires men to redefine masculinity positively, challenge harmful assumptions, and foster meaningful, caring relationships. When men embrace these changes, everyone benefits.

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How do you think society can better support men in breaking free from harmful stereotypes about masculinity while fostering healthier relationships and communities?

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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