Marcus Williams wonders if he can talk about his marriage and still be respectful toward his wife.
I consider myself a fairly introspective, in-touch-with-my-feelings kind of guy, but when it comes to talking about my relationships–and more specifically, my marriage—I find myself feeling isolated because there is no one I feel “allowed” to talk about it with. Talking about what’s good about about it is no problem—no one is made vulnerable by talking about the good stuff. (When’s the last time someone said to you, “Do you have a few minutes? I really need to talk to you about how connected I feel in my marriage.”)? It’s the vulnerable stuff, the rants I want to get off my chest, or the problems I’d like feedback on, that I don’t know who a loving husband is supposed to share with.
I expect the first obvious answer to be: “Your wife!” Fantastic. I’m all for communication being the foundation of a healthy relationship. That is not helpful, however, when the thing I want to discuss is about her, or when the problem is needing input on how to communicate about a touchy subject. The second obvious answer is, “A therapist!” which is also fantastic given enough time and money to afford one, but are those two obvious answers the only ones a man can avail himself of without disrespecting his wife?
I take it for granted that women are more likely than men to talk about their relationships, in intimate detail, and by “intimate”, I’m not just talking about sex. I assume my wife talks about me or our marriage with her close friends, and that they reciprocate, without me having to probe for details. Most likely, I would not be comfortable to know the details, but the fact that those conversations happen does not bother me. It even seems like a healthy thing to me. I don’t feel that same freedom to discuss intimate details with others, though, which feels…unhealthy.
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Here’s my breakdown of the different categories of people outside the relationship that I could potentially talk to, and why I find each one potentially problematic:
1. Family – They know me and care about me, but the problem I’ve seen with venting to family is that it can sour their relationship with your spouse. I’ve been on the listening end for a sister who eventually divorced, and remember how difficult it was to feel positive about her marriage or husband—even when she was having a good day—because I was accustomed to hearing so much about what was wrong with it. I was on the venting end during my first marriage, and think there was a similar effect. A little older and I hope wiser, I want my family’s support through ups and downs, but there’s a limit to how comfortable I am telling them about the downs, because I know how that can lead to an unintended (and undeserved) bias against my spouse.
2. Mutual friends, male or female –The mutual friends would seem to be a promising source of insight and understanding, since they know and care about both of us. Like family, though, that can make them too close. If I want to sound off about complaints or problems I’m having, I don’t want that to become the lens through which they view our marriage. I also don’t want to embarrass or disrespect my wife to people who know her.
3. Mono-friend, male — I don’t know of a word for “friend to one person in the relationship”, so I’m calling that a mono-friend. I can and have talked about relationships with male mono-friends, but honestly, they tend not to get very specific or go very deep. It’s not that we don’t care or can’t think about our relationships, but it’s just not the kind of conversation guys have, at least in my experience. If there are problems with our sex lives, for example, that may come out in a humorous complaint where we commiserate with each other (like Charlie Capen’s “Why won’t my wife have sex with me?”) but in a bona fide deep conversation with another man or group of men, I’ve never heard someone discuss in thoughtful detail a topic like how he can improve his wife’s fellatio technique. There’s a level of personal detail that guys just don’t talk to other guys about, especially if it involves their wives. I’ve had that level of conversation a couple of times when divorces were pending, but not about the day-to-day challenges of keeping a marriage going. Maybe it’s a thing about showing weakness, like there’s some evo-psych reason for not wanting to reveal any weakness in the bond you have with your mate to another male. Or maybe it’s patriarchy. I’m always fuzzy on which one to give the credit.
4. Mono-friend, female — This is the most awkward category for me, because honestly, it’s the most appealing choice when it’s available to me. I have some guy friends and my best friend is a guy I’ve known since the first grade, but not being an especially macho kind of guy to begin with, I have gravitated more toward women as my close friends. That entailed some unreciprocated crushes in my single days, but sexual tension notwithstanding, I’ve usually connected more easily with women than with men. For relationship talk, they’re more likely to be interested, usually more at ease discussing it, and importantly, more likely to give me some insight into the female mind than my man friends, who are mostly guessing like me.
The drawback of turning to a female mono-friend to vent or seek feedback about my marriage is that it is, by it’s very nature, intimate stuff. It’s not like having sex, but if the conversation is going well and it’s not a one-time thing, it makes for an emotional connection with someone who is not my wife. I don’t think we (all humans, not just men) are only allowed one intimate, emotional connection, but I honestly don’t know exactly where the line is. I used to think I did, because to me the line was sex, but I’ve heard enough stories from women now to realize that at least for some, an emotional connection outside the marriage can cross the line into cheating territory. In particular, it’s the sex talk I don’t know what to do with. I doubt my wife would mind me griping to someone she doesn’t know about…making something up now…how long it takes her to get ready to go out; if I want to talk about…making something up…her pole dancing technique, I don’t feel like I have the same leeway. But what if I really want to talk about her pole dancing?
5. Strangers — Hi, Readers! I don’t know most of you, but are you enjoying this glimpse of my soul, nicely filleted and spread out, ready to be salted with comments?
But seriously, it can sometimes be easier to be vulnerable to strangers than to people I know, especially on the Internet where I have the option of hiding behind a layer or two of anonymity. It can feel better than staying completely bottled up, but it usually falls short of that real connection I’m after. When I’m lucky and connect with someone that leads to some one-on-one contact, that’s great, but then they usually move to Category #3 or #4 above and inherit the same problems. One terrific woman went from Category #5 to #4, to Wife #2 (my favorite!), but I was already done with marriage #1, so that’s a different story.
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Back to the point—who am I, or men generally, supposed to talk to when we have complaints or problems about our marriage? I don’t feel like it’s my wife forbidding me to talk about her or us outside our marriage, but it’s one of those things that I just feel is expected of me as a man. Maybe I’m imagining it, though, so I’m interested to hear in comments — from both men and women — about what you think the boundaries are, and why? I’m specifically asking about men talking about their relationships (e.g., sex lives, communication gaps, parenting conflicts, ruined anythings, etc.), not women. I’d love to hear from Josie and Eli of SheSaidHeSaid on this, but I don’t think I could fit all that into a 3-sentence question, and if I did, they’d get the byline instead of me.
—Photo, main: alexis nyal photography/Flickr, inset lovelornpoets/Flickr
My perspective is that it is never ok to talk about private sexual issues about your wife to anyone, and vice versa. For example, if you want to talk about improving your wife’s fellatio technique, then the person to discuss this issue with is her. You aren’t going to magically improve it by divulging graphic details about it to a third party. This pretty much goes for any sexual/personal issues in a relationship. Also if your problem is something as disgustingly shallow as you think your wife’s breasts are ruined due to motherhood, then you are an immature, naive, vapid,… Read more »
My perspective is that it is never ok to talk about private sexual issues about your wife to anyone, and vice versa. For example, if you want to talk about improving your wife’s fellatio technique, then the person to discuss this issue with is her. You aren’t going to magically improve it by divulging graphic details about it to a third party. This pretty much goes for any sexual/personal issues in a relationship. Also if your problem is something as disgustingly shallow as you think your wife’s breasts are ruined due to motherhood, then you are an immature, naive, vapid,… Read more »
I see what you mean Marcus, It is a difficult one. I have a boyfriend and we have many close mutual friends. I don’t think he talks too much to our friends about our sex life. But our guy friends are rather jokey. I did often worry and wonder if he talks about our sex life. i.e. our body, positions, lack of, abundence, what we do, preferences, deficiencies etc. It does seem a bit personal, telling shared friends details, that you have only felt comfortable sharing with the person you love. There is the double standard, I feel, as male… Read more »
I think a close male mono-friend is the best answer. If you talk to a woman, it could be perceived as an emotional affair. A mutual friend might make your wife feel betrayed, or uneasy with that friend in the future. Family is a can of worms I wouldn’t personally delve into, but yours may be less gossipy than mine. Nobody, not even your wife, has a right to censor you. But it’s important you respect her when you talk about her. I think the fact you’re thinking about this so much shows that you care for her feelings. This… Read more »
God, at 30 I must be an old lady here……..lol. Really. I’m married, married w/in the RC faith-both of us. The RC’s view marriage as a sacrament. The vows are serious as all get out. While I know divorces happen, etc…..the ultimate goal w/vows w/God w/in the relationship, is to view marriage as an organic, fluid, LIVING, breathing, unique entity. For me this means, I’ve left my old world w/my girl friends and guys that are nonsexual friends, behind in the ways that is was. Meaning no sharing of what belongs, what energies sustain our marriage. We have those same… Read more »
Thank you, cat! You have to look at it on a situation by situation basis and make the choice that best respects the person you love more than anyone in the world. Say I developed cancer. I know you need to talk to someone, but maybe don’t tell one of our mutual friends until I’m ready for it to be known. Say I had a kid and breast feeding ruined my breasts. Maybe don’t talk about it to your gorgeous female co-worker or your male friend who likes to steal glances at my breasts and enjoys objectifying women. Or please–just… Read more »
Yep, i can’t see how anyone could disagree with this. Venting (while honoring your partner) is one thing, being actively contemptuous is another.
Thank you, cat! You have to look at it on a situation by situation basis and make the choice that best respects the person you love more than anyone in the world. Say I developed cancer. I know you need to talk to someone, but maybe don’t tell one of our mutual friends until I’m ready for it to be known Say I had a kid and breast feeding ruined my breasts. Maybe don’t talk about it to your gorgeous female co-worker or your male friend who likes to steal glances at my breasts or enjoys objectifying women. Or please–just… Read more »
Hi there, I just wanted to point out that there ARE things that are taboo for women to talk about with their confidantes, too. Someone already pointed out that you don’t diss penis size or e.d. I would add that no one discusses issues of male obesity and its effects on our sex lives. Not to mention hygiene issues and what housewives must put up with in the laundry from their husband and sons. And lastly, few people are aware that men have hormonal fluctuations that affect their irritability, sex drive, and mood, check out the book “Irritable Male Syndrome”.… Read more »
Here you go, Marcus, your very own She Said He Said response! LOCKER ROOM LOCKOUT Dear Sexes: My wife and I have a great relationship and we love each other very much. However, I do find myself wanting and needing someone to talk to about my marriage. Sometimes I want to vent, sometimes I want advice, sometimes I just want someone to listen to the intimate details of what we’re going through. Talking to my family is bad because I don’t want to change the way they see either of us, and the same goes for our mutual friends. I… Read more »
I think you would be on safer ground if your conversations with others stayed focused on your individual perspective more than complaining specifically about your wife. (I’m not saying you don’t have valid complaints.) Like, saying “there’s this thing going on between my wife and me that I just don’t understand.” That’s different from saying “there’s this thing she does that is totally insane!” I’d say there’s a difference between saying you’re going through a rough patch and saying your wife is making your life miserable. And, I think asking for advice from friends or commiserating with friends is probably… Read more »
I agree with most of this, except that I disagree about confiding to a friend of the opposite sex, since (as I mentioned above) I’ve had lots of good experiences of being on both sides of that equation.
I appreciate the many comments and suggestions – there’s a lot of wisdom shared already. Most of the feedback has focused on getting comfortable myself talking with someone else, and that’s important, but finding a person I feel comfortable confiding in is only part of the challenge. The other part is my wife being comfortable with me confiding such things, and the category breakdown was intended to show what I see as some of the potential pitfalls with each. Ideally, a man and wife are so secure and trusting in each other that having confidantes outside the relationship isn’t emotionally… Read more »
My husband and I actually discussed your piece last night over dinner. We both agreed that each spouse should be able to discuss–even “vent”–to trusted friends outside the marriage. We felt that what would be hurtful was gossip and blabbing all over town, but that if done in confidence and with care taken in who the chosen confidante is, there should be no differences in the expectations of the husband or the wife. If the wife is free to talk to her friends, the same goes for the husband, and it is not right for one spouse to expect “do… Read more »
Hey Lori, my wife got very upset when she found out that I talk about some of our situations with one of my best friends (whom she knows). I told her that I never speak poorly of her and only talk to vent, gain perspective, or seek guidance. She says friends of hers talk sh*t about their husbands. I told her this is not the case with me; that I love her and have no reason to speak about her in a negative way. She wouldn’t understand my point of view that it’s good to open up; said that I… Read more »
“She has never really opened up to any friends of hers, never discusses what she calls “private issues.” Spencer, it sounds like this is the problem. If she can’t relate to it and doesn’t do it and has not experienced the benefits, she doesn’t want you to do it or understand why you might need to. It also sounds like she feels insecure or threatened and worried about what you might say. Have you ever asked her about that? Maybe if she could tell you what she’s afraid of, and you could air that out, she could be less uptight… Read more »
I think the intense negative reaction to the “motherhood ruined my wife’s tits” story had a lot to do with how it was presented. First, it didn’t sound like a conversation where a guy was asking for help dealing with a difficult situation in his marriage, i.e. his loss of his sexual attraction to his wife. Instead, it was presented as a guy who was callously insulting his wife’s body and denigrating her sacrifices while using it as an excuse for visiting strip clubs and fantasizing about sex with teenage girls. As a woman, my response to that was a… Read more »
LOL, I think we posted pretty similar things at the same time. 😀
Marcus, I think the uproar over the “motherhood ruined my wife’s tits” comment was not so much that this guy confided this privately to a friend, but because the thought itself and the way he expressed it (not to mention his proposed “solutions”) was so callous and disrespectful. Even if he’d simply said “Ever since my wife gave birth, her breasts aren’t the same anymore and I miss how they used to be. I feel really guilty about this, because I love my wife and don’t want to hurt her, but it affects our sex life and I don’t know… Read more »
I am astounded that this isn’t obvious.
Glad you and Jill explained it. Very, very sad that it had to be explained. 🙁
Ditto.
Yeah, I”m surprised too. I felt like we all deconstructed the “tits” comment pretty thoroughly. It’s not about the need for advice and support Marcus. Everyone should have that. But the person in Tom’s piece (at least the way Tom framed it) wasn’t going to get support, but to say some pretty difficult things. And as the ladies have explained again above, I think you’d see our point there.
To this branch of women responding here – I have read your thoughtful comments and respect your voices. I often agree with them. You are not hearing me. Or if you are, you aren’t saying the things that make me feel understood. I acknowledged more than once (in other threads) that Mr. W’s sneaking around behavior was not a good or respectful thing. The point I keep trying to come back to and that you’re reinforcing here is that women have a problem with some thoughts, and any expression of those thoughts outside a man’s head is apt to be… Read more »
Marcus, 🙁 This is a lot to take in, but I feel I want to respond. I stand by the comment I made above in this thread that was about how I feel each spouse should be able to confide in a friend. I do not think that within a confidential private conversation, language needs to be policed. Say “ruined tits” if you want to, etc. Ok, so now leave this statement to stand alone. Another, completely separate statement is that the conversation around the ruined tits was hurtful to think about. Not that he SAID it to a friend,… Read more »
I just saw this (and Julie’s reply) and I can’t reply properly because I’m about to go to bed, but I want to acknowledge and thank you for your replies. I’ll reply more later, hopefully tomorrow.
Well, all I can say is, if dudes want to talk sh#t they can, but they shouldn’t hate on women if they do too. I’d wish all of us would be more “I’m worried about my partner’s body as I’m less attracted to it now.” than “His d%ck is saggy.” or something.
I suppose everyone talks shit about each other, but it seems so useless. So mean.
Hi Marcus, I’ve been struggling to come up with a response to your comment because I think I get what you are saying, but I’m not sure. I think what you are saying is this (please correct me if I’m wrong). “Feelings are complicated. People are complicated. I’m complicated. I love my wife yet at times I have passing negative feelings about her anatomy — she’s getting older, her breasts sag since she had the baby, whatever. I still love her. But I might look at her changing body sometimes and feel turned off, even grossed out. Even revolted. I… Read more »
What a great amazing comment.
“This is also just a very difficult subject because most women have a deep fear of aging and of losing our sexual attractiveness, BECAUSE we know how incredibly important physical attraction is to men. Deep down, we believe that if a man stops feeling sexually attracted, he will inevitably cheat or leave us (and often that’s exactly what happens). ” Yes. And this did happen to me after 21 years of marriage. I still feel that any man with these feelings should be able to confide them to someone privately, but I feel that the above quote is its own… Read more »
Consider me delusional or a liar, then. I don’t use hateful words about people I love.
As for “men talking like men,” I call BS. You can consider the men that I know who prove that comment is sexist BS to be delusional / liars as well.
To talk about a loved one in that manner is not ‘human’ IMO, it is contemptuous. This may be the reason why I don’t associate with a large number of people. People seem not to expect all that much consideration from each other, nor themselves. I do.
Don’t overanalyze or overintellectualize too much. When you realize you need those kinds of people in your life then they come. They are very few, but all it takes is one or two good confidantes in your life to get you through. Sure, not everyone can go to therapy each week, but it’s a good starting point initially. To organize your thoughts and feelings, to get used to talking to someone else and receiving feedback. Personally having these people in my life never became a process with categories. There’s a certain amount of risk we have to be willing to… Read more »
Hey there, how about talking to people anonymously on forums and online communities like DINKlife and others?
i’m like LF as a woman with more male friends. i have had very frank discussions with some of my male friends about their/my situations. it just takes a good knowledge of where our boundaries lie and then keeping the conversation etc within those boundaries. i have another very good friend who says that he’s the gayest straight man around (he has many gay friends in his hometown). i have found his support to be invaluable as she can look at what i’m talking/venting/ranting about from both male and female points of view. good luck in your search to finding… Read more »
Such a great post, Marcus. All people need a safe haven to talk. Venting once or twice is great,and I’ve been a place for that to happen with some of my friends, male and female alike. My general rule with vents is this: Once or twice is nice, three times is avoiding the conversation you have to have at home. If you pick someone to triangulate with, then you wind up with a triangle. For friendships? I get how difficult it can be to find that person or people you can really let go with. I’m not sure why many… Read more »
I’m also a woman (also very introverted) who has vastly more male friends than female friends. I believe nuance is very important when it comes to this situation. You can’t just say–this is the type of person I can talk to about this and this is not. The people I consider my very best friends are a guy I dated for over one and a half years, a guy I lived with for a while and have seen naked, and a guy who once had a very big crush on me for a very long time. My husband is surprisingly… Read more »
This is where older women can be invaluable to you, Marcus. You’re not going to be sexually attracted to them, or maybe you will, but most likely not and you can get your talk on.
Joining a book club or reaching out to people in a nursing home can be very very helpful. There might be some older men there too that you could talk to. Although, the women, even being older could be more open about the sex stuff. Remember Dr. Ruth?
As a society we don’t tap that resource of wisdom enough.
Very good point! Older women are often very bawdy and hilarious in their conversations about sex! As well as being able to offer good, and experienced, advice. Older men too, I’d say.
That’s a really interesting idea, Valerie! It could even be giving something back if I tried the nursing home approach. I’ve never sought out older friends with that kind of conversation in mind, but I’ve gotten along swimmingly with older folks on cruises and such, so it’s not weird to me to think of having friendships from older generations. I’ll be giving this idea some thought, so thanks.
We used to have villages right? you’d have been able to seek counsel from elders. One day you’d be an elder.
LF, thanks for sharing your similar perspective. Even though it’s sort of flipped gender-wise, you can relate to the dynamic I’m describing, so if nothing else, it’s nice to have company. 🙂 And I also agree with Eliezer that there are plenty of men who are OK with talking about these subjects, so maybe you want to broaden your circle of male friends a bit. Great advice. Hard to follow. I’m not laying the responsibility to make friends on anyone but myself, but I’m an introvert (to some people’s surprise, because I can be very outgoing when I’m at ease),… Read more »
That is cool Marcus, and again I can relate, because I never fit most of the female stereotypes either. If you’re something of an outlier, it’s harder to find people that you have something in common with, but you have to remember there are other outliers – they are just harder to find and harder to become friends with for all the same reasons YOU have a hard time. 😀 But I can definitely tell you, there are men who are perfectly OK with talking to each other about very intimate subjects, but it doesn’t just happen overnight. I have… Read more »
I like Lori’s idea about an online, long distance friend. And I also agree with Eliezer that there are plenty of men who are OK with talking about these subjects, so maybe you want to broaden your circle of male friends a bit. But, regarding your preference for female friends and your desire to discuss these things with them – I’m someone who is on the other side of that fence. I’m a woman whose friends are mostly men. I work in a couple of “male dominated” fields so it just naturally happens that I have more in common with… Read more »
Marcus, first of all think it took courage to publish this. I am of course curious if your wife knows! I think men have a harder time with this than women because women have each other for these long, deep, intimate conversations, and I hear men say all the time how other men don’t tend to “go there.” I have sometimes said that “women are things together, while men do things together.” I hope that does not come across in a way I don’t intend. But women frequently get together, have a glass of wine, and talk. Men do that… Read more »
Marcus, first of all think it took courage to publish this. I am of course curious if your wife knows! Thanks, Lori. I’m making it personal because it is, but I’m also hoping to start the conversation for other men out there who might feel the same way, because aside from that freak of nature, Eliezer (j/k!), I have a feeling I’m not unusual. My wife knows about this article. She hasn’t read it yet (but probably will soon), but I described it in detail last night over a good date night conversation. She knows about everything I write here,… Read more »
Truthfully, I can’t relate. i have at least 10 or more male friends who i can talk to graphically and intimately with about this subject or anything else. Maybe you haven’t cultivated your male friendships sufficiently? Or met the right guys?
I envy that, Eliezer, and yes, it could very well be something about how I cultivate (or don’t) those friendships, more so than “society’s expectations”. To bring up that best friend again, though, we’ve been very vulnerable and unguarded to each other over almost 40 years we’ve known each other, but I can’t remember either of us ever going into graphic, intimate detail about our wives. The relationship is strong and the trust is there, but it’s like there’s an unspoken rule against that, which for me, is at least partly due to being couples friends now, not just two… Read more »
Sometimes “unspoken rules” are imagined. After 40 years of friendship, you and this guy should be able to have the type of conversation you want to have sometimes. You might both want to talk about it but have both assumed the other guy doesn’t want to have that conversation. Someone needs to take the first step to cross that boundary.
I agree with Donna. Rather than only considering women for conversations about sex and relationships, take the risk of starting a conversation with a man whose opinion you would value. Your old friend is probably a good choice.
You can also cultivate friendships online with people whose opinions you appreciate. If the question is truly just about “pole dancing” or oral sex technique, that’s not the kind of question that your answerer needs a lot of backstory on. It’s a “how to,” and there are many communities online where people just loooove to answer this kind of question.
It reminds me of Granny Weatherwax, a character from Terry Pratchet’s Disk world. “the start and finish is helpin’ people when life is on the edge. Even people you don’t like. Stars is easy, people is hard.” In many ways it does not matter if you break down the options one to five as to who it is best to speak to. The one thing missing from your analysis is a person who can hear what you are communicating. That means finding someone who is able to understand where you are coming from – and that is not always where… Read more »
That means finding someone who is able to understand where you are coming from – and that is not always where you think you have been. I love that insight. Looking at it sort of dispassionately, I see the wisdom in it and have no trouble agreeing. In any given conversation where it matters where I’m coming from, though, I tend to think no one can possibly understand my own background or perspective better than me. I don’t mean that I therefore shut out all input or insights that come from others, but I consider myself the leading expert on… Read more »
“it reinforces the impression that women say they want men to be vulnerable and unguarded, but when given examples of what that looks like, beat the men back into their shells. ” I see this too, and it makes me furious. You know I write about this. I really can’t stand the hypocrisy of it, and the mixed message it sends to men. Someone (you? me? someone else?) should write a post on this. Not only do I not like this behavior personally, I don’t understand it. I mean, I can look at it psychologically, sociologically, anthropologically…but at the end… Read more »
Lori, I think your powerful and beautiful piece about the reaction of your husband to his brother’s suicide did explore the constricting bind that alot of men can find themselves in, when it comes to being able, being allowed to show vulnerability.
Also Lori, I tip my hat to you, as you are one of the few that actually live your belief, that men should be able to be vulnerable and unguarded.
Thank you, that’s really nice. It’s hard to imagine it any other way, really.
I loved that piece as well, Lori. And I luuuuuvs me some men who can be vulnerable!
Marcus – when it comes to solving a problem the biggest hurdle is acknowledging that it exists. That is at least 90% of the solution. You then look at the problem, understand it and ask questions about it and that gets you 99% of the way. The word problem can itself be a problem as it’s seen as negative. In eastern philosophy the word problem really does not exist. It should be translated as opportunity for change. You see when you get to grips with a problem you find that the answer and solution is in the heart of the… Read more »
I don’t buy this idea that women are somehow responsible for coaxing a man’s feelings out of him. They have a right to react to what you’re putting out there, especially if how you act and present yourself on a daily basis is very different from how you feel inside. That can be shocking to a person and very hurtful if they haven’t been able to pick up on it at all. I think it’s your responsibility to present yourself honestly. Even if the other person’s response to you is negative that can still be productive on your way to… Read more »
Just an observation:
In your setup, you mentioned “needing input on how to communicate about a touchy subject,” but in your breakdown of relationship types you used words like “vent” and “sound off” repeatedly. This seems inconsistent, and I think it’s an inconsistency worth digging into.
Brad, I think it would be an inconsistency worth exploring if I was describing the same need two different ways without realizing it. However, I’m openly acknowledging two different kinds of communication needs I (or men who feel similarly constrained) struggle to find outlets for: 1) The need to vent or sound off, where a sympathetic listener is wanted, but not really seeking advice or guidance; and 2) Wanting the kind of feedback that could be considered advice or guidance. I think the difference is worth noting in case it makes for different boundaries, like if people think it’s okay… Read more »
Your wife will be discussing intimate details regarding her relationship with you with her friends and confidants, why the double standard? The ‘who’ you should speak to is your decision, I speak with close friends who I know will give me good advice. I particularly value the friend who will give me the unalloyed, if brutal, truth as he sees it.