Why Communicating Strengthens the Connection in Your Relationships

MAUDE: Last night Phil and I were sitting together, and we started talking about how each of us was feeling. The conversation wasn’t about anything big or life-changing. It turned out that neither of us was feeling really right, but it was a kind of diffuse, hard to locate and describe sensation. Both of us felt a bit at odds, off-center. These feelings had nothing to do with each other, except that each of us had similar feelings within ourselves. As we talked and shared, something different began to emerge. While each of us strove to put into words the experience we were having, something shifted for both of us.

Reaching out and sharing with each other, as well as using words to catch the elusive sensations each of us had, transformed how we felt. It happened slowly, and almost without notice. It emphasized for both of us just how important talking with each other is, even when we are not trying to solve anything or make decisions.

It was the act of being together and sharing our feelings aloud to each other that helped each of us and created warmth and intimacy. It is so important to talk with one another. What we gained did not come from the content of the exchange, from letting each other know some deep hidden truth, or from the clearing up of some misunderstanding. It came from the very act of communicating itself.

Speaking these diffuse sensations out loud to Phil helped me to understand and get a thread on what I was feeling, which I was unaware of until I put it into words to him. I heard myself. Hearing what he shared gave me insight into him, but also into myself, as I could relate to what he said.

There is such comfort and peace in an open and honest exchange, one that you can only have in a relationship where trust has been developed and has become the natural way to be with each other. This comes from paying attention, listening, and showing that you are present with the other. It comes from talking not only when there are issues, but just for the pleasure of being with each other and knowing what is happening with the other person. It comes from knowing that truth is spoken, and that there is no withholding of that truth. It comes from the practice of staying in touch with one another and from being interested in each other.

This kind of communication is vital to all relationships.

PHIL: What makes for good communication in relationships? It is when you can talk openly with each other about anything and everything — your worries, hopes, history, and feelings. For these to flow freely, you have to know that you will be heard and seen. You have to be prepared to expose yourself without the risk of being seen as lacking in strength, will-power, or ethics. That, of course, takes trust. We’ve written about trust elsewhere, but in brief, it requires honesty, which in turn requires openness.

Surprise! Openness and honesty are part of good communication, so all these aspects are bound up together, and each one reinforces the others. I shouldn’t have to remind you that deep communications are in the first person; they are about what you are thinking and feeling. That’s how to be open. Anything else is gossip, a news summary, or an accusation.

One of the things about open communication is that it is also an exploration into yourself. Putting feelings into words is a way of dragging them into the light, turning a fog of, say, gloom, into reasons for its existence. Not everyone wants to do this:

David Senra: “You don’t have any levels of introspection.”
Marc Andreessen: “Yes. Zero. As little as possible.” Source

I’ll close by returning to an idea I keep thinking about: that we are a social species, and connection is a deep need we all have. Communication is that connection. Practice it. We need each other in these divided times.

It may seem obvious that communicating strengthens the connection in your relationships, but it’s a really important point to think about. Here are some other posts we’ve written about this.

How Communicating From Your True Self Deepens Your Relationships “Although we often covered many topics, he wasn’t interested in long conversations filled with chitchat. He wanted to converse on our connection, who each of us was, and what was important to each of us. Don’t misunderstand; we laughed a lot, hiked, went out on the usual dates, and walked around our beautiful city. These all happened, and were crucial to our relationship building. Yet, what made the difference was finding out what was important to each of us, and that came through the emphasis within our communication on sharing ourselves with each other. We soon discovered that communicating on this level was a core value to both of us, and developing this style of connection was central to our movement toward one another. We were each strongly attracted to this way of being together. We bonded early over what was of meaning and value to each of us, and we built our relationship upon that foundation. This understanding was not always spoken. It was also shared through behavior and actions.”

Why Peaceful Relationships Start With This One Radical Choice “This kind of being together doesn’t work when one person is self-absorbed or withdrawn within themselves. Open communication is a prerequisite. You have to be able to bring a certain level of interest in another being: one that involves inner work and a developed consciousness that creates in you a fearless state of being present. You are able to be quietly there with your whole self, offering that presence to the other person. For those who choose to walk this path of peace, this core value will reside in both of you, even if it is not fully developed yet. The dance of learning how to live that within your relationship is a beautiful one; full of surprises, calm, gentleness, openness, and trust. It is freeing and precious.”

Communication and Individuality in a Relationship “ One such topic was respect, and another is regular contact and communication. When the relationship is filled with honoring and accepting each other, a special kind of trust and security is present. For this to exist, each partner must be willing to share their thoughts and feelings. It is important to stay in regular contact and for that contact to be intimate and totally open. When partners know their partner’s thoughts and feelings, they don’t have to make them up from their fears or insecurities. In our experiences with couples, we have found over and over that when this regular contact does not occur, the couple slowly becomes estranged, and the projections and misinterpretations that occur just deepen the rift that grows between them.”

Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.