Why Dating Apps Feel Like the ‘Safer’ Option but Fail to Deliver Security

What you can easily get from a match on a dating app can be easily lost.

It’s that simple.

The apps “promise” endless options, but this comes at a significant cost. Though that’s not to say relationships from an app can’t have a long shelf-life, those are outliers.

I easily found my fiancé on Bumble and we were together for nearly five years, but the fragile foundation easily collapsed.

It was too comfortable to swipe and find her, which led me to settle. That stifled me and left me inexperienced.

That comfort zone felt like a cage made out of pillows and blankets. Sure, it was soft or safe, but it was still a cage that, like many people, I got trapped in.

Or it was like never taking off the training wheels.

I always felt like I “cheated” the process when I got with her. You could argue that it doesn’t matter “how you meet,” but I think you couldn’t be more wrong.

In the realm of dating, processes are far more important than results.

Why?

The quality of your mate is shaped by how much effort you put into it. Settling for what’s convenient strips you of your power to choose a fulfilling relationship where love has a chance to develop.

And settling is the result of scarcity and insecurity.

Real loneliness comes from being powerless

I got lazy and settled for the first convenient option.

That laziness came at the cost of developing real skills in seduction, attraction, and relationship maintenance.

After she suddenly left, I had no clue what to do next. I realized and lamented that if I had real social skills I could have moved on quicker.

Because most of the grief I was going through was due to loneliness.

That grief was more about losing my “one shot” than it was actually about losing her. For me, that suffering came from feeling powerless and not having control over my love life.

Here’s the cold hard truth: multiple options are better than none or just one or two. There’s less reason to be sad when you can find someone else easily.

Yes, breakups will still hurt when you know how to attract people, but you’re not at the complete mercy of someone else’s decision each time.

In short, scarcity breeds suffering.

People don’t value what they get with little effort

Instead of getting off of my ass to find a girl worth my time, I returned to the apps.

But I got frustrated. I’d match and text girls who would admit to using their friends to write messages for them to me. That, and they’d overly involve them in our dating experience.

Many of them also didn’t have the same kind of wit, charisma, or personality as their dating profile.

There’s a lot of problems with the dating apps, but I think the biggest flaw is the “easy come, easy go” principle I mentioned earlier. With apps, you swipe. Find a new match, and begin texting. That’s WAY easier than meeting someone IRL.

It’s a disposable mentality.

This means: that people tend not to value what they’ve earned.

Even I’ve felt that way. And that’s what I’ve craved — to actually build something from scratch. For something to feel real and not as disposable.

Because the connections from online matches seem to lack depth.

Often, it feels too easy. Like this was handed to me.

There’s a thrill with the risk of rejection

It is difficult to explain, but often, it’s like part of the thrill of touching, kissing or having sex is cheapened when both people “just show up” and go through the motions that dating apps steer their users toward.

I haven’t been the best at cold-approaching. Around a year ago, I decided that it was time to break out of this cycle. I’d approach “here and there,” — and still do, but I never got a good routine going.

Often, I’d fall back into app usage.

Cold approaching especially “day game” is essentially the practice of seeking out potential mates. Not just at sleazy clubs or bars. The point is to approach people — during the day — at coffee shops, parks, shopping areas, or at the grocery store. It doesn’t really matter where.

When I did “day game,” it wasn’t about immediate results.

That wasn’t the point. The point was to challenge myself by connecting face-to-face with women.

While that practice did not lead to anything, I felt empowered. Like I had more control — and with more effort, it would have only been a matter of time before I found the right girlfriend.

Just showing up with intention is more powerful than sitting around swiping on an app — or fantasizing.

Because this is what people do: They buy into the bullshit idea of soulmates, and they think things will just “happen” with wishful thinking.

Men will metaphorically gaze up at the sky and think, One day, I’ll find Mrs. Right, and then go home and continue to be lonely without talking to anyone. Hell, even in that case, swiping on apps is better than doing nothing.

And let’s be real here: women are just as bad at this too. I hope I’ll find the right man, while they do nothing to make it happen.

Whether that’s neglecting their appearance or staying closed off to new connections, passivity (for either gender) doesn’t work.

Let’s reiterate: love and relationships don’t just “fall into your lap.” Real life isn’t a fairy-tale. It’s not some cheesy romance novel where “things just happen.”

You have to put in the work.

In short, dating apps, passivity, and wishful thinking are nearly the same thing. It’s hard to distinguish one from another.

Deep down I knew this, and last year I started dating a girl through an app and settled for her. My heart was telling me to continue cold-approaching and “day-game,” but I doubled down.

And lost my momentum. Then I was back to the apps. I’d occasionally say “hi,” “hello,” or throw in a compliment to random girls, but the apps were draining me.

After a few more flings I finally got sick of it. I quit the apps and shifted my viewpoint on this whole “dating thing.”

How to wean yourself off of digital dating

The apps feel safer, but they are not.

There’s less risk with dating apps, but real-life connections promise more fulfillment.

Even as I’ve recently rediscovered, working myself back up to just saying “hi” or “good morning” is more invigorating than texting a stranger on Tinder or Hinge.

And when I look back on last year, I created some memorable moments through cold approaching.

The question is: How do you create those moments? How do you even talk to strangers? How do you break free of the apps?

Breaking free isn’t about just deleting a few apps. It takes work.

But to start with, this worked for me: A digital detox. No half measures here. Delete the accounts on your apps or online profiles. Then delete the apps and remove any trace of online dating presence.

Except for useful dating advice that focuses on IRL dating do not entertain or double down on online dating strategies.

Keeping “backup” profiles or revisiting dating app content is like an alcoholic who keeps a spare bottle around “just in case.” Because in some cases, it is literally an addiction.

After this, I found it necessary to write down my limits. 6 approaches (minimum) per week.

If you don’t write down your goal, it’ll stay vague and you’ll avoid doing it. This way, it keeps a little bit of pressure on you.

I had to go back to basics. Starting with “Hi, how are you?”

It’s as “they” say, eat the elephant one bite at a time.

Start with “hi” and gradually work your way up to flirting and conversations. However, if you feel that’s too easy, just do what makes sense.

Besides this, when I’m at home, at rest and not “out there,” I’ve found that it’s crucial to do emotional work.

I use this quote a lot from Dating Sucks, but You Don’t, by Connell Barrett, but it underscores the importance of emotional work.

Your dating life is a mirror that reflects what’s happening inside your head. It comes through in your voice, words, eye contact, actions, emotions.

Emotional work might not be fun, and many guys might think it’s pointless, but when you’re out there in the thick of it, the ego will just sabotage you.

I’ve been out there, and at the worst moment, my ego will kick in and say things like She looks busy, She probably doesn’t want to talk to you, It would be weird to talk to her.

There’s no easy fix for self-sabotage, but the ego (subconscious) tries to “prove itself” right by keeping you in your comfort zone.

So for that… you have to figure out.

What limiting beliefs do you have?

What’s the payoff for avoidance?

What past traumas might be contributing to your current state?

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The ease and comfort that dating apps provide stifle and limit you. They’re like an emotional crutch or a set of training wheels.

Remember, “easy come, easy go.”

If you want real, impactful relationships, you must move on from the swipe right culture.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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