Why Dismissive Avoidants Are Reluctant to Connect: The Thought Process Behind Their Communication Patterns

Have you ever dated someone who didn’t seem to be “all there”?

The lights are on, but no one’s around.

They weren’t present. The date is boring, chemistry is absent, and the conversation seems to go nowhere.

You ask questions and get curt, surface-level responses. They’re playing on their phone. What’s worse is when they dump their whole life story on you and never even ask you what your favorite color is.

You feel like you’re there to entertain them and to listen to all their tragedies. This isn’t how a real connection is built.

This is not how you fall in love with someone.

And it’s not you. It’s them.

You’re probably dating a dismissive avoidant person.

They’re not “bad”, but who they are in the present moment is incapable of real intimacy, and their reluctance to connect with you is not your fault.

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These are the kinds of dates I have been on. Without knowing attachment theory, I would have continued to believe I was unworthy. That there was something wrong with me.

Here is my problem, I tolerate this behavior from partners or potential partners.

I let it go on for too long. I dated dismissive avoidants and fearful avoidants. Even though they were nice and had “relationships” in the past, they were women with serious phobias around commitment and intimacy.

They avoid “bad” or “uncomfortable” emotions, situations, or conversations. They have a terrible relationship with their feelings. Instead, avoidant people choose unhealthy coping strategies to deal with things like stress, anxiety, or depression.

But what is an avoidant person? What is attachment theory? It subtly influences most of our relationship patterns.

Everyone has a particular attachment style. It’s gender non-exclusive. Men can be anxious. Women can be avoidant. Men can be avoidant or women can be anxious. Doesn’t matter. But you’ll be subconsciously attracted to the opposite attachment style.

Attachment styles generally fall into a few categories:

Anxious Preoccupied: They feel a need for validation and reassurance. Without this, APs may feel “unsafe” in the relationship. They may feel abandoned or forgotten about. They’ll tune to their partner’s behavior or feelings for emotional regulation. In short, they hate being alone.
Dismissive Avoidant: A DA can appear stoic, grounded, or unfazed without a relationship, but deep down, their self-esteem is very low. They’re hyper-independent and often pull away from others to feel safe. Intimacy is a challenge for them and when they’re triggered they’ll “shut down” and remove themselves from the relationship or situation.
Fearful Avoidant: FAs are a unique mixture of a dismissive avoidant and an anxious preoccupied. Their behavior is hot and cold. A relationship with them may feel intense and seem like there’s a lot of chemistry. When they feel you’re getting “too close” or they feel (Usually, it’s an imaginary or perceived feeling. Not based on reality.) you have betrayed them, they will push you away. They shut down and become dismissive when their fears are activated.

Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

— Amir Levine, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love

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So what’s behind the thought process of a dismissive avoidant? Why is it that when you are dating them, it feels like you’re pulling teeth to get anywhere?

Why are they reluctant to connect?

We know they’re afraid of intimacy. We know they fear losing their independence. They’ll feel unsafe in conflict or disagreement. They also hate being vulnerable. That’s scary to them.

Yet, their emotional stoicism may seem attractive. Their logical, grounded, or “even-keeled” behavior may be a refreshing change from an anxious or fearful-avoidant person’s erratic, emotionally dis-regulated behaviors.

But there is more to this than you’ll first notice.

Their stoicism is standoffish behavior that they use to disconnect from their feelings. To feel connected to someone, they have to allow themselves to feel, and they can’t do that.

Or they’re unwilling, so they unconsciously pull away and keep you at arm’s length emotionally.

But all of this is not uncommon to only dismissive avoidants. Fearful avoidants are very similar. The difference is they’re more “active” about it. They’re the hot, angry, or annoyed versions of dismissive partners. They’ll push YOU away instead of pulling away.

If you take the time to notice the emotional patterns of your dismissive avoidant partner (or if you suspect they’re avoidant) they may present these behaviors.

Anxiety, annoyance, impatience. Anxiety and impatience were the hallmark characteristics of one of my exes. I remember her vivid descriptions of her short temper at her job. She suffered from anxiety. She was always nervous and let that corrode her feelings about our relationship.

When the relationship got rocky, she pulled away and discarded it.

Sexual intimacy with dismissive avoidants

Sex is the physical expression of emotion.

If there’s not a lot of emotion in the relationship then the sex will feel flat or boring. It may feel only like a means to an end and the compatibility between you and a dismissive avoidant may be weak.

That’s my experience, and I’m sure it’s not all black and white, but the partners that I could accurately describe as fearful avoidant were far more “fun” in bed than my dismissive avoidant partners.

To an avoidant partner, what’s the best way to avoid conflict?

They’ll stonewall or give you the silent treatment. They may pull away physically by spending most of their time away from home or the relationship.

As a means to avoid intimacy with a partner, they’ll assert their independence.

If they’re not around, conflict, by default is absent. This will maintain “peace” and they’ll feel safe because they’re achieving their time alone.

But this comes at the cost of your needs and the relationship itself. For them, it’s easier to set extreme or rigid boundaries and reject YOU before you reject them. Their fears of shame or unworthiness can’t get triggered if they reject or discard you first.

With understanding, we realize it’s not personal

Now that we know the why behind their motivations, the HOW becomes far clearer.

Once you know the why and the how there’s less pressure on you to judge or criticize yourself. It’s not your fault they fear intimacy and choose not to communicate.

They avoid rejection by sticking to surface-level conversations and choosing not to invest their time into getting to know you. It’s easier to remain casual or have surface-level interactions for dismissive avoidants because the risk is low.

They’ll avoid asking you personal questions. Or if they do, it’s more about maintaining appearances and less about genuine connection.

And so, casual conversations are safer for them. Meanwhile, fearful avoidant partners loathe casual conversations and they want to know everything about you to an extreme.

But their approaches all center around the same goal.

Certainty, safety, and consistency.

Both flavors of avoidant behavior need security and people with a predominately avoidant attachment style will try their hardest to steer the conversation in a way that suits them.

Dismissive avoidant partners will talk about the weather. Their job. Or whatever else that is safe. The date might feel like two strangers “hanging out”.

This is not normal. A date should not be filled with complaining, gossiping, distraction, or casual conversation because someone fears emotional intimacy.

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If you let it continue, this may happen:

The dismissive-avoidant may go along with the relationship for weeks, months, or years until they feel burnt out.

They’ll let you lead, be honest and direct but will not reciprocate. Hell, they might even agree to marriage or a committed relationship as long as you are the one doing all the work.

If you lead and practice too much honesty or directness, it will scare them off.

And finally, what can we do?

Some relationships aren’t meant to last. We weren’t meant to fall in love with everyone, and some people will never be capable of reciprocation. It’s just the way life is.

People who have a severely avoidant attachment style (the ones who are easily triggered and “shut down” really hard) have a lot of healing to do.

By nature, the avoidance of their feelings makes it harder for someone to change because they do not see a problem with their actions. It’s a vicious cycle.

Often, these relationships aren’t salvageable. There’s nothing you can do except move on.

Our partners or our exes are the only ones who can change themselves.

They have to be willing to be more vulnerable.

They have to be willing to communicate.

They must be willing to grow and develop into a complete version of themselves.

But that doesn’t mean you have to give up. Know your worth. You can set boundaries. You can let go of the idea that a relationship with that person will change or improve your life.

With that in mind, you can move on to someone who will communicate and reciprocate love. With knowledge comes growth, understanding, and most importantly, healing.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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