When I was newly divorced and in no way at all ready to actually be dating, I poked around on a few of the apps. I wanted to see what had changed in the 15 years since I’d last been single, and I was curious about who was out there. It was eye-opening, and not entirely thrilling to see the apps filled with older versions of the same party-centric commitment-phobic men my friends and I had dated in our early 20s. These weren’t the only men whose profiles came up, but there were a ton of them.
“Never married, no kids,” these profiles proudly proclaimed. I think in their minds, it sounded like this lack of ties means they have no baggage; I see it differently. When someone has tried—even if the relationship hasn’t gone the distance—it looks like they’re willing and able to give their heart to someone else. It looks like they can commit to being there for someone. It looks like they are a team player. Perhaps I’m simply overthinking things, but a man who is nearing his middle years and has never made that commitment doesn’t say “sexy and fancy-free,” to me. He screams, “independent to the point where I won’t let you in. If a partnership is what you’re looking for, you won’t find it here.”
And a partnership was indeed what I wanted again. Someday. When I was ready.
Most of these never-married types were rugged and outdoorsy—things I enjoy—but I also noticed lots of flexing gym mirror selfies and party boat group shots. By this point in my life, I was not looking to be someone’s accessory. I didn’t want a guy so caught up in posturing and flexing and trying to look good; I wanted someone who was good.
At the other end of the spectrum were a lot of ENM guys: those who claim they are “ethically non-monogamous.” If the ethical part is true, their wives and committed partners know full well that these fellows are dating (and presumably sleeping around) on the side. I’m not shaming them for being true to themselves; that lifestyle is just not for me. I prefer one man for whom I am enough. Among the ENM crowd (this is according to girlfriends who chatted with some of these guys), there was a handful where the “ethical” in ENM was dubious. These guys were being upfront that they were looking for some side action, but acted shady, for example, when my friend Jen asked to meet their wives and have a sit-down and go over boundaries all together to make sure everyone was on the same page. This type of guy was also not for me.
My friend Erika adamantly refuses to date divorced men; She doesn’t want to come in second. She dislikes the idea of marrying someone for her first time if he’s already had a big wedding. In Erika’s mind, she doesn’t want a relationship with a man who uses the same dates and rituals on her that he’s previously used on another woman (that he loved enough to pledge to love forever.) And she doesn’t want to be a stepmom to someone else’s children. Erika prefers the guys who couldn’t quite commit. The ones who shy away from marriage or haven’t met someone they feel strongly enough about. Perhaps she just isn’t ready either, and this is her way of playing it safe.
If finding a committed partner and eventually getting married is her goal, I think Erika’s absolutism will impede her dating life and prematurely disqualify some amazing men. But, she’s entitled to her list of standards. We all are.
Wanting something real and being “ready” for it are two different stories. Observing Erika, I would guess that she wants a committed relationship—or thinks she does—but isn’t ready for the sticky reality. I’m not judging: I was there too.
Was it fair to these guys that I was online, but not able to be ready for the potential of something real, should it come my way? Absolutely not. But sometimes you don’t know what you don’t know, and it’s only in hindsight that you have clarity.
I’m still not sure I was ready by the time I met my love, or maybe (definitely) healing is just a long, messy process. By the time I met him though, I had done (and continue to do) a lot of internal work, processing past traumas and triggers and learning new methods of communication.
Sometimes, someone crosses your path and you just know that this person has the power to change your life, and that makes it all worth trying.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
So let me get this straight: So a man that commits to marriage and kids, who then breaks that commitment and traumatizes his children,; seem like a better dating choice to her than the guy who who is cautious and doesn’t have half of his paycheck taken away every month? Women like that deserve to stay ALONE.