I feel heartbroken after a conversation with my partner. He’s been struggling in different ways, but one of the most poignant is his lack of friends. The kinds of friends who return his calls and make an effort.
He said to me, “Baby I have no friends” and my heart broke for him.
My partner grew up the popular guy. In his 20’s, he had everyone in town on speed dial. He would throw a party and dozens of people would show up. Now in his early 40’s, he struggles to find people to have ‘guy time’ with. Everyone just seems too busy.
My story is the opposite. I’ve kept a few very close friends over the course of my whole life. I was never remotely popular nor the life of the party. Ironically I agonized over having ‘no friends’ in my 20’s. Now I just feel content with the few friends I do have.
Perhaps the harder you rise, the harder you fall?
Parenting changes our friendships
Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world. As the mother of a 3-year-old, I understand this intimately.
There are many days when I don’t have enough time for everything. Inevitably things slide down the priority list, like keeping in touch with those I care about.
What happens though when this trend continues for too long? Even I’m at the point when I talk to my closest friends every couple of weeks or even monthly at best. We call each other, one of us is often busy, we say we’ll call back and it doesn’t happen.
My partner, daughter and I end up becoming our own little unit. We’ve stopped relying on our friends to be there for us. We support each other as best we can, but deep down, we know it’s not enough.
Reciprocity
I am most definitely not the expert on how to make friends. I haven’t made a new friend in years. But, what I do know is this:
Reciprocity goes a long way in friendships.
My plea for all my fellow parents out there is to consider how reciprocal you’ve been in your friendships.
- Are you the one who always calls and others don’t answer? My heart goes out to you, I know how hard this is. I wish I knew how to make it easier.
- Are you the one who rarely answers and forgets to call back? You’re busy, we get it. But too soon you may find yourself with no one trying to call you anymore.
Final thoughts
I don’t have a silver bullet solution for the death of friendships in the parenting world. I wish it were easier. And maybe for a lot of parents out there, it is. But more often than not, I see decade-long friendships fizzling out simply because we don’t make the time.
Is this what it’s come to? Are we relegated to relying only on our family members once we have kids? My heart aches and I’m left with more questions than answers.
With love,
Megan
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Shutterstock.com
