A genuine relationship is one that is not dominated by the ego with its image-making and self-seeking. In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever.
Is there a difference between happiness and inner peace? Yes. Happiness depends on conditions being perceived as positive; inner peace does not.
— Eckhart Tolle
How many good relationships could have been saved if we spent 1% more of our time following this message by Eckhart Tolle?
Why is it our default to seek “happiness” above all, and aside from relationships, what is it costing us? Ignorant, immature people will argue that “happiness” is the defining feature (and goal) of a relationship, but here’s why this belief is unsustainable.
Idealizing each other over what brings “happiness”.
Let’s first define happiness.
(Happy) adjective
1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: I’m so happy to see you!
2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.
Whether you’re using an app or meeting in person, there’s always a quick rush of feelings when you meet a new romantic interest.
- “Are they the ‘one’?”
- “How will this relationship turn out?”
- “This person is hot!”
- “We have so much in common!”
- “I love how interested in me they are.”
People believe that love is the “happiness” they feel in a new relationship. But this isn’t real love, nor is it enough to sustain a long-term connection.
A connection built on pleasure is a fragile foundation.
Pleasure is addictive. For people with a lot of childhood trauma, their attachment style greatly dictates their love life.https://medium.com/illumination/its-not-your-partner-it-s-your-attachment-style-that-is-the-problem-e05f44d19703 Whether you’re “anxious” or “avoidant”, part of you feels a desperate need for the “security” of a relationship.
This is why chasing love and relationships can scratch that “itch” momentarily. You feel happy for a little while, but after you come off that high, you’re left needing more.
I hate to break it to you, but you can’t heal your inner wounds with pleasure (i.e., sex, affection, intimacy, or quality time).
Happiness should not always be preserved
For a while, a relationship built on pleasure might work.
You could call this love at face value, but it’s a façade. Both people expect their partner to be the key to their “happiness”. So, they’ll do anything to keep it.
This will range from people-pleasing to more toxic behaviors, such as lying and manipulating.
But in the end, the goal for the people in this relationship is ensuring “happiness”. But, that is the worst thing to focus on.
Happiness isn’t real. Pleasure is. But, like children, toxic people let physical sensations control them. These are values they uphold far above anything of actual worth.
“Happiness” is a terrible value. Yes, you can say that “happy” is an emotion, but emotions fluctuate and change daily. But, to set the goal of a relationship to one emotion is dangerous. It is outright stupid.
Of course, it’s not wrong to expect that a relationship should bring out the best in both people and that they should generally feel content and fulfilled in one, but “happiness” cannot be sustained all of the time.
One of my long-term relationships was like this.
All we cared about was “feeling happy”. It became toxic. We would avoid conflict at all costs, but in the end, bypassing tough talks and boundary-setting cost us a relationship.
We no longer loved each other, and truthfully, I disliked her by the end of the relationship.
It’s immature to end a relationship because you don’t “feel happy”
You can’t capture love once, and it generates an “unlimited supply of happiness”.
Love is more akin to an ongoing story throughout a lifetime or relationship. In a loving relationship, both partners practice understanding. They also show compassion and acceptance for themselves and their partner.
But we often approach relationships out of neediness and desperation. Then, we expect a partner to do the “heavy lifting”.
This is why relationships often fail so quickly.
Impatience and lack of grace are one thing. But, spotting deal breakers and toxicity is another. Our attention spans are so fried, that any inconvenience or problem is enough justification to dump someone.
Technology and culture are to blame. From my observation, very few people lack accountability, and it’s manifested itself in the dating sphere.
Dating apps and online dating have made it easier for someone to “try again” with a different face. If you don’t satisfy yourself, you will never find satisfaction in a relationship.
Several years ago, my ex-fiancé and I went through couple’s therapy.
While I was there working on our difficulties, my fiancé focused on returning to “happier times”. Yet, there was never a point at which we were “happy”.
She and I envisioned a relationship with a sick, idealized, fairy-tale notion of what it should be. If we weren’t “feeling good”, then something must be off.
What she wanted was to go back to how she felt when we were first dating. We didn’t have as many relationship problems back then because the relationship was new.
Newsflash: there will ALWAYS be problems in a relationship. It doesn’t matter how compatible two people are; things crop up, and you have to deal with them, whether they “make you happy”.
It’s not like in Disney movies. You don’t live happily ever after once you sign the paperwork or agree to a commitment. People know this. But, when they see the first sign of trouble, they assume “Something’s wrong!””
A relationship can’t remain pristine forever without care and maintenance. Like a vehicle, if you don’t care for it, you’ll find yourself dissatisfied with it when it breaks down due to negligence.
I’ve not only noticed this in my partners (and myself) but with other people too.
Often, we use love and connection not for growth, a safe haven, and shared experience, but for more selfish reasons such as “feeling good”, “happiness”, and validation.
“Happiness” comes from working through tough times. It is not from shrinking back to your comfort zone. You may feel “happy” in your comfort zone, but more often than not, your limited comfort zone is absolute hell.
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To conclude,
If you’re feeling discontent, unheard, or experiencing abuse, it’s time to get out.
Common relationship problems that fuel “unhappiness” aren’t a bad thing.
Sometimes “happiness” comes from overcoming personal and relationship struggles. This is fulfillment. It’s not always a sign that something “bad” is happening.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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